The ladies of Real Housewives of New York are killing it this season. Should we all just collectively switch over? I’m now differentiating between the men by whether they’re convicted criminals or Wills, Blake and the Newsie. If you’re not Wills, Blake or the Newsie, I don’t care to learn more about you.
I’ve heard rumors from my friends on the East Coast that Kim Jong Un makes a play for the rose this week. I feel comfortable telling Becca that despite her lackluster candidates, she should probably not pick him. Garrett the Bigot definitely gives his rose to Trump. Fingers crossed they ride off into the sunset together and we never see either of them again.
This week Becca went on a publicity tour, which included defending Garrett the Bigot like an infomercial for White Feminism and the current cause of my cluster headaches. I am really struggling to watch their love story evolve - take a look at my deeper dive on that. Thus, I am now instead shipping the Chicken and the positive guy (whose face I can’t remember), and me and Grocery Store Joe (RIP). I will now be writing this as if we are watching auditions for Bachelor in Paradise, which, let’s face it, we are. I'll also be using this recap as a pitch for a show where these guys hang out, overcome toxic masculinity, and maybe fall in love with each other. I’ll call it Boyz Houze. Get at me, Andy Cohen.
Last week, news broke that Garrett Yrigoyen of The Bachelorette -- the recipient of the first impression rose, and likely winner of the season -- is an Instagram bigot. He liked posts which are racist, sexist, transphobic, anti-immigrant, and accuse the Parkland students of being crisis actors. He apologized, and maybe he really is learning and growing. I’m all for formerly bigoted people learning, growing and becoming less hateful. More likely, however, is that he’s apologizing because ABC told him this was not behavior becoming of their front runner. They have to cover their asses. He has to cover his ass. He wouldn’t have “learned” or “grown” if he wasn’t on national TV. Becca then defended him: “Everyone is entitled to their opinions.” This is true. And, if your opinions are hateful, vile, racist and bigoted, we’re allowed to call you out for those opinions and those who enable them.
Good News: I’m back on wine. It’s a feeling I can only imagine is akin to seeing a loved one for the first time in months. I wouldn’t know. I don’t have loved ones. Bad News: I’m missing Olympic Slalom for this, a sport I’ve always wanted to understand. There better be some damn good drama this week if I’m missing a medal ceremony for this. Let’s go.
This recap is dedicated to whoever found missing person, Rebekah Martinez. Did you know she’s 22? All I want is for this show to become a True Crime Series looking into this fascinating missing persons case. Let’s see if she goes home this week. Please call your mom if you do, Rebekah. She’s looking for you.
Twitter user extraordinaire and Bachelor Nation aficionado, @JillBidenVeep, recently tasked us all with deciding whether we’d rather have Arie or Nick Viall again and I had to lock myself in a dark, cold room and reflect on where we are as a Bachelor community. If we had Nick again would Sharky come back and would Rachel have another chance as the Bachelorette to do the right thing? Anyway, everything is the worst.
I’m here. I’m back. I have started 2018 with a really positive and open mindset. I’m ready to meet and accept Arie with no judgment. Bring it on, Not To Catch A Predator Host (Chris Harrison, I want to say? I won’t learn.) I’ve lived through Nick Viall, Rachel picking Bryan over Peter and the entirety of Bachelor in Paradise. I’m older, wiser and drunker than when I started this journey a year ago. Nothing can shock me now.
Well guys, I did it. Not only did I make it through this, the most ridiculous iteration of the franchise, but an entire year of Bachelor shows. This just proves that if you put your mind to something, commit to it, you too can be distracted by a bonkers reality dating show and forget to do the thing you committed to doing.
For much of this season of Game of Thrones, I have seen an overwhelming amount of criticism that Sansa is the weak link of her siblings. The last to “level up.” The whiny and annoying one. Certainly, she is not a trained assassin, an all-knowing prophet or an incest-having King in the North, but the conclusion that she is weak is rooted in misogyny. Her story is fraught with abuse, rape and torture, and despite this, she has won battles, regained her family’s home, ruled the north and successfully manipulated a master manipulator to his rightful death. So why then is she regarded as weak?
Because she’s a Lady.
This has to be the most ridiculous iteration of The Bachelor franchise yet, but weirdly the one that seems the most comparable to regular dating. Instead of convincing yourself that the one person offered to you is your soulmate, you get a series of choices, and maybe you meet your person or maybe you just hook up with someone in order to not get kicked off this island we call life. Here are the most ridiculous things I noticed on my first viewing of Bachelor in Paradise.
