This post is part of a series. Check out Allison's recap of Episode 6.
Good News: I’m back on wine. It’s a feeling I can only imagine is akin to seeing a loved one for the first time in months. I wouldn’t know. I don’t have loved ones. Bad News: I’m missing Olympic Slalom for this, a sport I’ve always wanted to understand. There better be some damn good drama this week if I’m missing a medal ceremony for this. Let’s go.
1. Can we just watch this Blank Panther commercial where Michael B. Jordan broodingly stares at the camera for two hours? This has more sexual tension than any of these dates will.
2. Jacqueline turned her Claddagh ring around to indicate she’s in a relationship. I’ve been in actual relationships where the guy is not dating six other women and did not feel comfortable doing that.
3. WHY DO YOU THINK IT’S LEANING? Is she talking about the building or Arie’s dick? I’m quitting now. I’ll never do better than that.
4. Bekah M. knows math. 3 people is almost half of 7. Good job, Bek.
5. As an avid watcher of rom-coms who has only ever been in love with the food guy from Queer Eye, I don’t think falling in love is a decision, Jacqueline.
6. I like Becca K. Her accent makes me feel like home. She should dump him. You should dump anyone who doesn’t consult you when picking out cheeses.
7. Wasn’t he supposed to be a good kisser or something? Wasn’t that his draw? Six episodes in and I have yet to see it.
8. We get it, Jacqueline. You’re bailing. Turn that Claddagh back around and head out.
9. Wait, so any of them can just go talk to him at any time? So basically anyone can just get a one-on-one? Women, you need to use this loophole more.
10. Wow, I wished he got dumped, and in came Jacqueline. Am I a witch?
11. Now all the women will wonder if they got the consolation rose that Jacqueline was supposed to get. That gives me an evil kind of joy.
12. Am I a bad person?
13. I would not look cute on that up-the-chin bike camera, so props to Lauren for just going with it.
14. Way to make it look like that Italian child “accidentally” kicked the soccer ball over to them. These producers work hard to make these very orchestrated situations look organic.
15. Bekah M. is the math genius of the house. “1/3 of us are going to go home.”
16. Woof, this moment is rough. She said she was falling in love with him and he walked away!
17. Take the rose and run, girl!
18. Champion Bachelor related text of the week comes from my ride-or-die, Erin, who just texted, “I’m convinced he actually really just needed to fart.” I’m quitting. She’s taking over. Erin Moore, everyone.
19. Do we think he’s actually in love with her and just stringing the others on because he’s committed to 10 or however many episodes of this show?
20. So wait, they do three runs, and the highest is what counts or they average the three? Oops, I switched to half pipe because this bachelor shit is never ending but the Winter Olympics are only once every four years.
21. Okay, I’m back in. Why do people think saying, “I love to eat” makes them sound interesting? We all do. Everyone loves food. You’re basic.
22. Give a rose to those dogs!
23. Give me a truffle hunting dog over Arie any God-damned day.
24. Seinne is as beautiful as that plate of pasta. Arie is not.
25. This is boring. She’s too smart for him. He doesn’t know how to talk to her. Pull a Jacqueline, Seinne. Cut and run. Or go back to that Italian family and let them cure your hurt with pasta.
26. Awkward silences and putting on jackets are never a good sign. But walking away mid fart is I guess? I still don’t understand this show.
27. I AM A WITCH! Seinee’s going to do so well in Paradise.
28. Weird use of the word “saturated,” Kendall. Not against it.
29. Tia is pulling that shade and I love it. I’m rooting for you, girl.
30. We’ve established I’m a bad person so I don’t feel bad saying that the way Bekah M. cries makes me giggle. Hell, party of one!
31. There had better be a 22-year-old man dating a 36-year-old woman on the next season of The Bachelorette, that’s all I’m fucking saying.
32. We all know I’m saying more than that. Older men dating younger women is accepted by society because society likes to infantilize women so men can retain their societal power, while older women dating younger men is seen as desperate because of the way we look at successful, established women as old, loveless, shrews who aren’t deserving of said power. Anyway, this show is perpetuates that, and we’re all complicit for being entertained by it. Let’s get back to making fun of these insane people.
33. You talk with your family about everything that’s going on in your life, Bekah? Feel like you should know they think you’re missing.
34. Yes! We get to find out if Kendall’s family is just a bunch of taxidermied animals! I’m working my witch powers to make it so.
35. I don’t love to comment on commercials, but Arie looks nothing like Zach Braff and the idea of dating either is a waking nightmare.
36. Next person to say, “22-year-old” should be forced to go work on a marijuana farm.
37. This season has been missing really good crying in the back of the car cries. Bekah really stepped up for us all.