This post is part of a series. Check out Allison's recap of Episode 1.
This week Becca went on a publicity tour, which included defending Garrett the Bigot like an infomercial for White Feminism and the current cause of my cluster headaches. I am really struggling to watch their love story evolve - take a look at my deeper dive on that. Thus, I am now instead shipping the Chicken and the positive guy (whose face I can’t remember), and me and Grocery Store Joe (RIP). I will now be writing this as if we are watching auditions for Bachelor in Paradise, which, let’s face it, we are. I'll also be using this recap as a pitch for a show where these guys hang out, overcome toxic masculinity, and maybe fall in love with each other. I’ll call it Boyz Houze. Get at me, Andy Cohen.
1. First date since Arie? It’s been like a month since Arie. You’re not getting back in the saddle after your high school sweetheart widowed you.
2. NTCAP Host lays out how this show works like it’s going to be groundbreaking. “People are going to be cut.” That poor guy who thought this was a polygamy situation.
3. Someone toss Male Model down stairs. Throw He Who Must Not Be Named But Is A Bigot with him.
4. God, this Male Model makes Bryan look good.
5. How much urine will those “Cold Feet” buckets be filled with by the end?
6. This skinny guy talking about how the black guys are athletic but not smarter is racist no? What do his Instagram likes look like?
7. How expensive are these suits they’re ruining? How much health care could we have if they didn’t waste money on this shit?
8. Lincoln: hot bod, hot accent, a little too intense. He will do well on BIP.
9. Chicken vs. Lincoln. Lincoln is playing dirty, but to be fair he just crawled through mud.
10. Lincoln's abs just bursting through that grandfather sweater. Let’s jump ahead to Paradise now.
11. Possible obstacle course cheating aside, I think they’re being too hard on Lincoln. Maybe I’m blinded by the accent, but also maybe they’re jealous bitches.
12. Dark haired men with crew cuts are to The Bachelorette what blonde Laurens are to The Bachelor.
13. Skinny guy treats women nice because he has a mom and sisters. If he only had brothers, he’d be a horrid misogynist.
14. Okay, Lincoln talking to his picture is creepy. Men should be more respectful of inanimate objects.
15. Chicken’s just sitting back, wrapped up in a shawl, enjoying the show. Respect, Chicken. I see you.
16. This Lincoln/Guy Whose Name I Don’t Know drama is not becoming of men on Boyz Houze.
17. I think I hate the word, “lips.” I’m cancelling it.
18. Clay is so reasonable. He should just skip Paradise and come to my house.
19. Men making fun of another man crying is the brand of this show.
20. No one thought “UK” meant “University of Kentucky,” Male Model.
21. They’re saying NTCAP Host’s name a lot. Like they want to make it clear he’s not Chris Hansen from “To Catch a Predator.”
22. I’d go on a date where I got to smash things relating to Arie. Or Nick Viall. Or anyone from this show, really.
23. Picture it - you go on a first date with someone and spend the entire time focused on their ex. Real world: red flag. Bachelorette: Makings of a lasting love story.
24. Have people not learned to block their texts from popping up on their lock screen? This is basic shadiness, guys. Get it together.
25. I feel so bad for this Blake guy, because he’s very cute and going to get dumped for a vile bigot. I’d be excited for his season of The Bachelor, but they seem to only pick miserable men for that.
26. Based on that date card, Becca’s going to pelt them with baseballs. It’s what I would do.
27. Garrett the Bigot looked very confused by that date card. Maybe he’s just so stupid he didn’t understand how awful those posts he faved were.
28. They have to stop talking about Arie. Do the producers not understand that truly no one cares?
29. I am LIVING FOR these tots yelling "trash" at the men.
30. Christon is the only one who respects Becca as an athlete. Find a man who will pelt you with dodgeballs as long as he is also a Former Harlem Globetrotter.
31. Fred Willard should be on the next season of Paradise.
32. Little known fact: Leo is actually a character from Dodgeball that was cut for annoyingness.
33. Wills, the guy in the jacket I want, is a little boring, but in consideration for Paradise.
34. Tia, spill that tea-a on this dude-ea. (I lost it.)
35. I wonder if his feelings for Tia would have been stronger if she were the Bachelorette.
36. Clay has the smoothest kissing game. Clay, I'll see you in Paradise.
37. God, I was so close to forgetting about this Male Model.
38. “I’m Not Just Some Guy With Hair” is some guy’s Bumble profile that no one responds to.
39. Male Model, what part of you not wearing your underwear is you not trying to get attention? What part of you going on a reality show is you not trying to get attention? You can’t just say words and expect them to correlate to the situation.
40. Male Model’s convinced he can “pass” an IQ test, but doesn’t realize it’s not a pass/fail situation.
41. Engenuinity. Did he mean, “ingenuity”? “engine”? “genuineosity”? (See above gif)
42. How many times do we think Bachelorettes have stabbed themselves with the boutonniere pins over the life of this show?
43. Is she going to pin Male Model’s rose on his blanket or his boxers?
44. This is truly the first time I’ve heard Chicken’s name is David.
45. I know she’s not going to, but I would give anything for Becca to send Male Model home. He will not be going to Paradise. By that I mean, even if he does I will not acknowledge him.
46. Cry it out, man I’ve never seen before. You deserve love.