35 Thoughts I Had While Watching The Bachelor: Arie Episode 5

This post is part of a series. Check out Allison's recap of Episode 4.

Today I had the thought, “I’m going to start trying to see the best in people.” Then I remembered I had to watch Arie tonight and I thought, “Maybe tomorrow.” Spoiler alert – I’ll still be a judgey bitch tomorrow. Episode 5, let’s rock.

1.      He’s dead behind the eyes in that promo shot. Trust me on this, I’m really dead behind the eyes.


2.      “A beautiful place to fall in love.” Something no one has ever said about Fort Lauderdale. “A beautiful place to bury a body” is more accurate.

3.      “I’m on a dreamboat but I’m also with a dreamboat” is the worst sentence ever uttered. Chelsea, I was rooting for you. Don’t make me turn on you.

4.      Stepping around a moving jet ski is a risky and bold move. The only move I’ve ever made on a jet ski is telling someone if they didn’t slow down I would sauté their testes with butter and sage.

5.      It’s nice that he realizes he has to be delicate with Chelsea because she’s a mom. Not many men know that a woman’s bone density depletes after childbirth and a mother’s souls become broken and tattered. 


6.      Chelsea, I’m so sorry to break it to you but this moment has been replicated numerous times by the producers on this show.

7.      I’m convinced there is an underground world of country singers that almost made it, but were then featured on The Bachelor and now are never allowed to see the light of day again.

8.      Can you imagine being brought to an exotic location, or Florida, to be on a TV show and you’re just taken bowling?

9.      Bless these women’s hearts for trying to make bowling shirts sexy.

10.      Blondes and one Becca versus non-blondes and Lauren B.

11.      The only God I can believe in is heavily involved in the outcome of a Bachelor bowling match, so good move praying, Krystal.

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12.  Are there not cameras on the bus?! GIVE US THE FOOTAGE, NTCAP HOST!

13.  Tia and Chelsea were all ready to have a relaxing night in without Krystal.

14.  Ten points to the producer who left the door ajar.

15.  Arie being pissed off is the most genuine he’s seemed so far.

16.  Yes, Krystal, angrily put on that mascara.

17.  Good earrings, Bekah. They also definitely edited that to make it look like Krystal walked in on them talking shit about her. Jokes on them, I know Bekah didn’t have that olive in her hand when she was “praying.”

18.  Lauren just really "Yes, And-ed" the common game of 20 Questions by calling it 21 Questions.

19.  The noise that the alligator is making at Arie is eerily similar to the noise I make when I see him.

20.  I would only go on the date where they serve deep fried corn on the cob.

21.  Loving Tia’s ice skating outfit in the evening part of this date.

22.  This date is just proving that Tia is also too good for Arie.

23.  Tia jumping in deep with the God questions.

24.  I’m so uncomfortable watching her tell him she’s falling in love with him. I have a hard time saying that to my cat.


25.  Cue me calling depression naps, “Investing in myself.” Thanks, Krystal.

26.  It’s cute what they think is “serious drama” in the current day and age.


27.  Did Kendall just admit to cannibalism?! I so want to like her.

28.  I feel bad for this cute curly brown haired girl whose name I can’t remember. I want to reach out and comfort her since she clearly won’t make it far.

29.  Krystal has the eye/smile combination of a woman who would put on a diaper and drive across the country for a man. I mean that semi-complimentary.

30.  Someone fact check this, “my mom worked in a bowling alley” story.



31.   The way she smiled and said, “our first fight” was truly rattling. This would get really interesting if this show turned into a horror.

32.  What shade of who you are is futuristic?

33.  Waiting until the last minute to give Krystal a rose is a great way to make sure there’s a lot of tension none of us actually feel tense about.

34.  Bye, Marikh.  Whose beauty will I be distracted by now?


35.  I hope Arie picks one of these dirty old bowling ladies and then she rejects him.