I’m here. I’m back. I have started 2018 with a really positive and open mindset. I’m ready to meet and accept Arie with no judgment. Bring it on, Not To Catch A Predator Host (Chris Harrison, I want to say? I won’t learn.) I’ve lived through Nick Viall, Rachel picking Bryan over Peter and the entirety of Bachelor in Paradise. I’m older, wiser and drunker than when I started this journey a year ago. Nothing can shock me now.
1. Wait, he just said, “I want to get caught up in you.” I’m done. He’s over. He deserves nothing. My judgment is back.
2. “It felt really good to fall in love.” Okay, but have you ever gotten drunk in a bath? That’s better.
3. He left his journal for her and she didn’t read it. Girl, if you reading this, are you free to mentor me?
4. Why is he talking to a baby? Seems like he maybe shouldn’t be allowed to talk to a baby.
5. I want to be honest with you guys because you all are my closest friends. My sister did submit me for this season. I’m so ready to meet the ladies that beat me.
6. Single mom! Cue the choir of what a horrible person she is for not being at home with her kids!
7. Shots every time someone’s a real estate agent.
8. FUCK! I gave up alcohol in January. If I do shots of herbal tea will that do anything?
9. “I grew up around cars too. Everyone has a car.” MY MOTHER RETURNS WITH THE ZINGERS.
10. Not even going to try to distinguish between the blondes.
11. A 30 year old? Isn’t she a little old for the 36-year-old.
12. Taxidermy girl who plays the ukulele is just there to be the crazy one. I would have made a great crazy one.
13. Why do girls think playing the ukulele makes them weird? All boring women play the ukulele. Wait, she’s singing to a stuffed seal. Never mind, she’s bananas, and we’re soul mates.
14. Blonde fitness coaches on The Bachelor are like guys named Adam at 4am douche bars. Don’t expect me to keep track of all of you.
15. Bad tie, NTCAP Host.
16. Bad face, Arie.
17. I need to be able to drink during the bad puns. Does white wine count during dry January?
18. “She was attempting for mystery and all she got was side boob.” My cousin is going on the road with my mom.
19. Remember when Rachel became the Bachelorette and everyone thought this show was finally embracing diversity? That was a fun minute and a half.
20. I don’t think Arie understood the “little wiener” joke. A bad sense of humor is worse than having a little wiener.
21. Arie saying, “I needed that” after “meditating” is the most frightening thing I’ve ever experienced.
22. Any of these girls giving gifts after the little wiener have already lost.
23. I’m learning Blonde With The Mole’s name (it's Chelsea) because she’s the villain. I refuse to learn the difference between these Laurens.
24. Oh, should you not ask someone to smell your armpits when you first meet them? Is this why no one will talk to me since I started natural deodorant?
25. According to the Bachelor, the older men get the more appealing they get. This is not true for women. No Bachelorette will ever be over 35.
26. “I am not a rude person” is what I say to every sales associate when I’m yelling at them for no reason.
27. Shots for real estate agents. Shots of herbal tea are not working.
28. I’m into Short-Haired Shit Stirrer.
29. He was a boy and now he’s grown into a man. That’s true for literally every man but Benjamin Button and John Mayer.
30. The mini car racing was bordering on cute until the pathetic kiss. We are in for some gross, over the top, Bryan Abasolo tongue.
31. That pizza looks terrible. Dump her.
32. Lauren G. just whipping out her safe word. Get it, Lauren G. You’re the only Lauren worth remembering.
33. I hope under that mask she has a tattoo that explains how to steal the Declaration of Independence.
34. HE’S A WORSE KISSER THAN BRYAN!!!!!
35. Short-Haired Shit Stirrer is doing a bomb impression of Chelsea. She’s the low-key villain we all need and don’t deserve.
36. I’m not so much interested in the first impression rose as the gem stone plate it’s laying on.
37. Did he just say excitement makes him excited to be alive? Socrates, is that you?
38. Chelsea takes the first impression rose in the least shocking twist since two-thirds of these women turned out to be blonde.
39. Never seen the girl who just said going home tonight was a possibility. So yeah, it probably is.
40. I keep forgetting his name is Arie, and the remembering is a shocking and upsetting.
41. “Isn’t she the real estate one?” My cousin asks. Aren’t they all?
42. What’s with the girl talking about how her dad already met him? Rousing debate over here about whether he’s dead or not.
43. My favorite part is when NTCAP Host comes out to announce that there’s one more rose. Then he leaves and returns right away.
44. Is this woman crying after meeting him because her dead dad had met Arie? Can we crowdfund her therapy?
45. This poor woman who thinks she disappointed her family. I had a similar reaction when I broke my commitment to Dry January on January 1st while watching The Bachelor.
46. He hopes he doesn’t regret this. I already do.
47. Watching scenes from the season and a man arrives and Arie is upset about it. Ex-boyfriend? Bisexual Bachelor? I can get behind that!
An earlier version of this post said Taxidermy Woman was playing the banjo. She is in fact, playing the ukulele.