Well guys, I did it. Not only did I make it through this, the most ridiculous iteration of the franchise, but an entire year of Bachelor shows. This just proves that if you put your mind to something, commit to it, you too can be distracted by a bonkers reality dating show and forget to do the thing you committed to doing.
1. The final rules of this are bizarre: Leave together and get to bone, or leave alone in a dark SUV, never to be heard from again. Or, in Christen’s case, let the ocean take you and return to the scallops of the sea where you find your true happiness. So many couples I didn’t realize were considered couples broke up. Poor, murdery Jack Stone. I guess that’s what you get for doing Sharky like that. Diggy chose Jamie over Dom and it blew up in his face, and Robby and Amanda had an emotional break up only to find out later that it wasn’t real, but then he cheated on her and they broke up for good. Mark this as the most I’ve ever cared about two blonde people in “love.”
2. It doesn’t seem like anyone came with bags. They get dumped then immediately jump in the dark SUV taking them to their deaths (I assume) and don’t pack or collect any luggage? Does the show provide them with bikinis and speedos that are donated to a reality show museum at the end of this? Since I assume they’re being sacrificed, I guess they just keep the clothes for the next group of lonely weirdos who grace this island. Either that or NTCAP Host dresses up in their abandoned clothes each night to feel close to something.
3. The dudes are just chilling on a balcony and calling out everyone that is leaving single. Feels like bad karma since all but two of these guys end up alone, but I do appreciate the bitchiness involved in this. The most fun part of this experience for me would be judging every person around me and dragging freshly dumped people as they depart this beach to return to their rough lives in the real world, without realizing the irony that that narrative also applies to me.
4. The only three couples that remain are Taylor and Derek, who I hate but am glad they found each other to be boring with. Raven and Doll Guy who I hate that I like because I feel like she deserves better, but maybe he secretly is better and they burned the doll. And Lacey and Canada Bro who is clearly just here to get laid. Feels like there was an easier way to accomplish that, Canada Bro but I guess you suck so you had to do it this way. NTCAP Host tells them to relax and have fun while subtlety implying that he needs some of them to bone for ratings. If it someone’s job title wasn’t “Tickle Monster,” I would say NTCAP Host has the weirdest job in the world.
5. The aftershow reveals who stayed together, who broke up and who gets engaged. Thanks, Aftershow but PeopleMag.com broke the Taylor/Derek engagement like forever ago, and if Daniel and Lacey were still together I would have eaten my own hand. I did appreciate that D.Lo and Kristina seemed to team up to hate Dean, but I’m not here to watch him try to earn pity.
6. Lacey quoting Taylor Swift when she tells Daniel they are never ever getting back together may be the most on brand thing she has ever done. Look Lace, you are among the most obnoxious people to grace this stage (tough competition) and you chose to declare your love for the creepiest man ever, but I still think you can do better than this goon. So rock out to some bad Taylor Swift revenge music and move on.
7. Adam and Raven bicker because he is a morning person and she is not, and this is the only time watching this show I’ve ever believed in love. It seems the creepy doll was buried at sea with Christen so maybe these two crazy kids actually have a shot. Also Raven ambushing him with her family is a bold move and I respect her for it.
8. Stephanie Beatriz of Brooklyn 99 fame hates Dean and loves Derek and Taylor’s engagement. Does she also need to know if Derek and Taylor are going to live in Iowa or Seattle? I feel like Seattle is the obvious answer, but Nick Viall refused to leave LA for Montreal for Vanessa, so who knows what terrible choices these people will make.
Questions I Still Need Answered And Will Spend The Next Six Months Hounding NTCAP Host Until I Get A Response
A. Did Raven and Kristina make up? Can one of you please take to social media and confirm that your friendship is solid and not ruined by Cabbage Patch Dean?
B. Are Wells and Danielle M. in love?!?!?!?! How was this not addressed further, and why was Wells sitting in the audience like a peasant or Stephanie Beatriz?