This post is part of a series. Check out Allison's recap of Episode 7.
This episode may be even less sexually charged than every other, if only because Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir are on one channel over, and they are using up all the sexual tension for themselves. I’m missing it for you guys, so please honor my sacrifice.
1. Arie and Kendall have the most uncomfortable kiss I’ve ever seen.
2. Jesus, this is my nightmare.
3. The animals look real because they are real, Arie. THEY’RE DEAD ANIMALS!
4. The turtle. I will have nightmares about the turtle.
5. I’m having a full blown panic attack. I need that calming shapes breathing gif thing we all used the night Trump was elected.
6. They’re taxidermying a rat right now. If you don’t know, my sister, Rockette co-founder and the reason I watch this dumbass show, Carrie, HATES RATS like I hate snakes. This is her punishment for making me watch this show.
7. Can someone explain Arie’s tattoo? It’s either an homage to Les Miserables or the holocaust and either way it’s offensive.
8. I hope Arie ends up in a “which twin is which,” Olsen twins type situation.
9. Erin Moore line of the week, “She would have a twin.” We’ve agreed long ago that identical twins are creepy. Don’t @ us.
10. Give a rose to her twin’s gold hoop earrings.
11. It’s remarkable that we’re not past the “needing a father’s permission to get engaged” place.
12. They’re names are not Kendall and Kylie. I’m sorry, I know they were born first, but there’s only a place in this world for one dynamic Kendall and Kylie, and taxidermy sisters are not it.
13. Hasn’t Tia been home for a few days? Why is her mother crying?
14. There’s so much opportunity for weiner jokes in Weiner, Arkansas and there’s just pigs in a blanket on that table.
15. Into the brother, getting in there with the questions.
16. Arie 100% nicknamed himself “The Kissing Bandit.”
17. These people are like, “prove he’s not a playboy” while he’s dating three other women publically on television.
18. These producers plan the most stereotypical date for the state they’re in. Dirt driving in Arkansas, apple picking in Minnesota, taxidermy animals in LA.
19. I’m into Uncle Gary. His whole no-eye contact thing is choice.
20. “Dad’s not here so I guess I’ll ask mom for permission. Are women even allowed to make choices? If the mom talks, is what she says admissible without the validation of a man?”
21. These women had taxidermied rats to live up to and they are just falling short.
22. Commercial Comment: Can’t believe were already at the season finale of Bachelor: Winter Games. I barely had a chance to care.
23. Oh, Lauren B. So cute, so blonde, so so boring.
24. This is the blondest, whitest family ever. These are 100% people who thought Trump was a little crass but voted for him anyway.
25. Wow, Dutch is not an attractive language. At least when Arie speaks it.
26. The first question Lauren B’s father asked is, “Do you play golf?”
27. I cannot imagine my father asking a man if he plays golf. I cannot imagine my father’s reaction if I said I was going on this show and bringing a man from it home. I mean I can, and it’s pretty judgey
28. Watching people talk about the weather is exactly as boring as you would think.
29. Arie’s “I went on a USO tour” is this situation's version of “I have a black friend.”
30. My feelings on calling women, “a smart lady.”
31. I’m not trying to make assumptions about wealthy white people but Lauren’s parents feel like a couple who both have a lot of affairs and then talk about loyalty. ALLEGEDLY!
32. Has NTCAP Host shown up more than 5 times this season? Or is he just doing these voice overs and cashing a check?
33. How is there still 20 minutes left of this episode? He cannot just be indecisive for 20 minutes. Someone has to lose a limb or Krystal has to return or something.
34. Is he breaking up with Kendall or does he just want clarification on the whole taxidermy rat situation?
35. This is similar to the whole Rachel/Peter situation, except we cared about those people. Someone cry their eyelashes off or I’m out.
36. These three talking shit while he talks to Kendall is worth it.
37. RIP Tia. You win my heart. You were definitely the most interesting of the women remaining.
38. Tia as Bachelorette. My witchiness is calling it now.
39. This taxidermy rat tag has me broken. I feel you, Bibiana.