A new week, a new terrible Arie tattoo discovery, this time on the inner bicep. The goal for this week is to be meaner than ever before. Your short sleeve-button up looks terrible, ARIE!
1. Kendall, never meet a man you hardly know out in the desert! God, have these women never watched any Investigation Discovery show.
2. Girl just wiped out in the sand. If Arie didn’t ruin the moment by kissing her, that would have been perfect.
3. Kendall and Peter should hook up. Honestly, just bring back Peter.
4. Love that Kendall feels like she should be more sure of her love after approximately 4 hours with Arie total.
5. Congrats to this show for finding the most basic “quirky girl.” Find me a quirky girl who isn’t every standard of basic blonde beauty.
6. Does Chris Harrison get off to asking these people to fuck?
7. It’s my dream to see a woman turn down a fantasy suite with Arie because who can imagine him as a sexual person.
8. Reality show post-coitus is not as appealing as the Notting Hill bullshit we’ve been sold.
9. Every time Arie says the word, “wife” I feel nauseous.
10. Lauren makes me realize why my mom always yelled at me for saying, “like” all the time.
11. This Lauren dinner scene is outrageously boring. My only comment is that her eyelashes are on point.
12. NOW WE FUCK! Is what the fantasy suite card should say. But my dreams never come true.
13. This episode has now ruined a classic LeAnne Rimes song for us all.
14. I mean there’s no way Lauren doesn’t win this right? Like they’re equally boring and that’s sweet in a way I don’t care about because it’s boring.
15. Does Becca feel chipped going third? His penis must be tired.
16. Arie just described himself as a goofy dude.
17. Are Arie and Becca laying down to eat? I know eating better than I know anything, and that’s not going to work.
18. Way too many “I love you’s” in this episode. Followed by strangely formal sex invites.
19. Deeply upsetting close up of Becca’s feet.
20. I love when they say, “I’m the happiest girl in the world.” Except the other two women he told he was in love with or any girl who just adopted an animal.
21. Love how much Becca’s bringing up her ex-boyfriend. Excellent planting. Bring on that payoff.
22. Whatever producer arranged this guy showing up deserves a raise and a date with Peter.
23. Ross is doing an excellent job of hiding that he came all this way because the producers paid him to.
24. He’s way hotter than Arie. Knowing not a lot about their relationship, I say Becca should choose him.
25. Oh my god, fight or get out!
26. The amount of commercials are disproportionate to the amount of stress I feel over this. Stop trying to build suspense with The Good Doctor ads.
27. Arie has told three women he loves them in three days and is pissed some guy is coming to tell one of those women he loves them because he’s taking away from his experience.
28. Becca seems genuinely surprised that her ex showed up, which is proof this show could give a shit about these women.
29. This guy could write country songs. Now that I mention it, this man could actually be Dirks Bentley or whatever, and I would have no idea because who is Dirks Bentley?
30. Tell him more about how his expectations of love are unrealistic while you’re on a reality dating show, Becca.
31. Bummer for Ross.
32. NTCAP Host is alive and not being held by To Catch A Predator Host in a creepy good vs. evil situation. NTCAP Host obviously being evil.
33. Becca’s really nailed wearing white at these rose ceremonies to highlight her bridal-ness.
34. Kendall’s definitely going home because we’ve all forgotten she was a person, yeah?
35. Kendall is throwing out those love language words. Words of Affirmation is clearly not her love language. Giving Gifts of Stuffed Childhood Pets maybe.
36. Props to the “quirky” girl for making it this far. RIP Kendall. Can’t wait for you to get your freak on in Paradise.
37. Are we still going through the formality of the rose ceremony? We could have filled this time with more shots of Hot Ross.