This is three hours long. THREE HOURS LONG. That’s a long episode leading up to a twist the internet has already ruined for us. Is he going to propose to Becca and then switch to Lauren B. at the last minute or vice versa?!?! Either way, he’s a fuckboy and even Lauren Boring can do better. 

A new week, a new terrible Arie tattoo discovery, this time on the inner bicep. The goal for this week is to be meaner than ever before. Your short sleeve-button up looks terrible, ARIE!

This episode may be even less sexually charged than every other, if only because Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir are on one channel over, and they are using up all the sexual tension for themselves. I’m missing it for you guys, so please honor my sacrifice. 

Good News: I’m back on wine. It’s a feeling I can only imagine is akin to seeing a loved one for the first time in months.  I wouldn’t know. I don’t have loved ones. Bad News: I’m missing Olympic Slalom for this, a sport I’ve always wanted to understand. There better be some damn good drama this week if I’m missing a medal ceremony for this. Let’s go. 

This recap is dedicated to whoever found missing person, Rebekah Martinez. Did you know she’s 22? All I want is for this show to become a True Crime Series looking into this fascinating missing persons case. Let’s see if she goes home this week. Please call your mom if you do, Rebekah. She’s looking for you.

Today I had the thought, “I’m going to start trying to see the best in people.” Then I remembered I had to watch Arie tonight and I thought, “Maybe tomorrow.” Spoiler alert – I’ll still be a judgy bitch tomorrow. Episode 5, let’s rock.

Twitter user extraordinaire and Bachelor Nation aficionado, @JillBidenVeep, recently tasked us all with deciding whether we’d rather have Arie or Nick Viall again and I had to lock myself in a dark, cold room and reflect on where we are as a Bachelor community. If we had Nick again would Sharky come back and would Rachel have another chance as the Bachelorette to do the right thing? Anyway, everything is the worst. 

I truly remember very little about Arie except maybe he’s a man? Anyway, I’m here for Bibiana and the girls who say they’re not here for competition. 

I started Whole 30 today so I’m feeling extra superior but I can’t drink so who knows what effect this will have on my feelings towards Arie. Cue me not knowing the difference between these women.

I’m here. I’m back. I have started 2018 with a really positive and open mindset. I’m ready to meet and accept Arie with no judgment. Bring it on, Not To Catch A Predator Host (Chris Harrison, I want to say? I won’t learn.) I’ve lived through Nick Viall, Rachel picking Bryan over Peter and the entirety of Bachelor in Paradise. I’m older, wiser and drunker than when I started this journey a year ago. Nothing can shock me now.