This post is part of a series. Check out Allison's recap of Episode 5.
This recap is dedicated to whoever found missing person, Rebekah Martinez. Did you know she’s 22? All I want is for this show to become a True Crime Series looking into this fascinating missing persons case. Let’s see if she goes home this week. Please call your mom if you do, Rebekah. She’s looking for you.
1. How can Bekah be missing in those giant red clown shoes?
2. NTCAP Host is so trying to look interested, but even he’s bored of Arie. He looked to that camera man like, “How much longer do I have to nod my head to this dude?”
3. At least Krystal knows how the producers work. She knows she’s going on the 2-on-1.
4. Where was he hiding on that boat? Like he’s been there the whole time, just below deck waiting to pop out?
5. Arie basically just admitted that he’s only into Lauren B. because she’s a regulation hottie.
6. I love seeing Arie insecure, but it sucks that she can’t just dump him and then he gets kicked off the show.
7. Are they living on this boat? I want to throw up just watching this.
8. WHOA losing a pregnancy now. SHIT’S GETTING DEEP, ARIE! Also, I’m sorry for your loss. You’re a boring as shit person, but that’s sad for you.
9. Ah, Lauren B. I like you. You’re sweet and enough for someone way better than Arie. I think she's genuinely here to find love and that makes me sad for her.
10. Nothing is less romantic than a man telling you that you worry too much. No shit, dumbass.
11. They know Nicole Kidman dies at the end of this movie, right? And also that it's a pretty bad movie? Don’t @ me.
12. Did Bekah M. go missing under those feathers?
13. I can’t listen to Bekah M. talk. GIRL, CALL YOUR MOTHER SHE MISSES YOU!
14. Arie looks like an even less hot Phantom of the Opera.
15. I love a man singing and dancing as much as the next girl, but a man doing it poorly is unsexy AF.
16. He doesn’t even know the words.
17. That green jumper outfit is even more jacked up than Krystal’s brain.
18. Krystal drinking that wine in her confessional is excellent villain painting, producers. You guys are the real heroes.
19. Does that boat dock, or do they just sail around? This and the whole Bekah M. missing situation are the only things I care about right now.
20. Is there any doubt that Kendall is going home on this date?
21. Is 10 months considered a short relationship? I’ve failed already.
22. Classy shot of that spiderweb representing the fragility of relationships, and also how everything Arie touches turns to gross.
23. If Krystal wasn’t guaranteed to make it through this 2-on-1 date, it would be a risky move to shit talk Kendall right after he forgave her.
24. Say what you will about this bananas woman, but she can pull of a crushed velvet top, and I envy that.
25. I would love to see Krystal’s heart crushed like that velvet top, but I have no faith in anything anymore.
26. Kendall is playing a tight game of empathizing with the bitch. She’s crushing it harder than that velvet top.
27. The sighing noises Krystal makes when she’s around Arie will feature in my nightmares for the foreseeable future.
28. Way to make it political by comparing Krystal to Trump, Bekah M. Please call your mother.
29. Did we see Arie and Kendall’s conversation and it was just so boring I don’t remember it?
30. TWIST!!!!!! Burn Krazy Krystal. I love seeing overconfident people fall. Also I’m bored with the Krystal drama.
31. Remember when Nick Viall left Taylor in a swamp for Queen Corinne? Things could be worse Krystal.
32. Whoa Jacqueline, dark pony killing metaphor.
33. Bahaha, Arie’s a “professional” race-car driver and his car broke down.
34. “Winging it.” You’re surrounded by producers orchestrating everything.
35. Jacqueline’s cute and funny and getting a PhD so she’s probably too good for him.
36. I feel like he should end up with Kendall or Lauren B. because they are just the right amount of boring for him.
37. Why are we still calling her Lauren B. when there are no other Laurens left?
38. Jacqueline’s definitely too smart for him.
39. Bekah M.’s shocked face in the background was solid. Now she needs to call her mother.
40. RIP Chelsea, you were a gem. Jenna, who are you?
41. Friends, Whole 30 is over this week. I'm so glad that next week I’ll be able to drink red wine in my shitty valley apartment and pretend I’m in Tuscany rejecting Arie.
42. They wasted no time turning Lauren B. into the villain.