Welcome back to our Bachelor Nation recaps, where every week we question our choices and drink away the pain. I’m rooting for you, Becca. Mostly because I’m tired of people talking about Arie. Let’s Do the Damn Thing…
1. GUYS! I haven’t even started the season. Truly, it’s not even airing on the West Coast, and amazing people have already uncovered the resident bigot! You guys are the true stars. And Garrett – YA CANCELLED!
2. The Arie recap nobody asked for.
3. If Minnesota can ban Arie for life, why can’t we ban men from wearing costumes?
4. Oh, I am HERE for the exclusive look at Mama Mia in four parts. My one true love is Cher and Meryl Streep dancing to Abba. (This is not an #ad but I am willing to talk terms, Universal Pictures.)
5. Rachel saying, “Fuck Arie” almost makes me forgive her for her absolutely abysmal choice of man.
6. The sage-ing of Becca’s pussy was perfect, Rachel. DUMP BRYAN!
7. They put in that smoke alarm noise in post.
8. Someone with sports knowledge please let me know the low down on this pro-football player from Chicago. More for my benefit than for Becca’s.
9. Heeeeeeere’s the bigot. Oh my god, I’m already wishing horrors upon him.
10. This male model seems annoying, talking about why his job is so stressful, but I can understand that salt spray year round can be taxing. Really dries out the hair.
11. Lincoln from Nigeria is quite handsome and has a beautiful accent.
12. Which grocery store, Chicago Joe? I’ll tell you if he’s worth shit. (Side note: I hate that a heavy Chicago accent really does it for me.)
13. “I’m a life collector of accoutrements.” Is only beat by, “I’m a cologne-oisseur.”
14. I give my final rose to Mama Mia 2.
15. NTCAP Host: “You’re the bachelorette.” Becca: “I know.” Women know things, dumbass.
16. How many of these basic boys thought some spin on “Let’s do the damn thing” was a creative way to win her heart?
17. Grocery store Joe bit that intro. A shame upon my city!
18. No, Man Bun. I will not call you “Leo.” Get back in the limo. Nothing sexier than hearing, “You have hair like my sister.
19. This not-racecar driver has not had a very hard life if getting out of a limo and meeting a pretty girl is the hardest thing he’s ever done.
20. Second man-bun of the night. I would like to apologize on behalf of my whole generation for the man-bun.
21. Becca, never get in a van with a bigot! Especially if he’s a single man who carries around baby stuff in his car.
22. I feel bad for the ox. I’m not mad about Blake’s cute smile and red blazer.
23. This male model’s a DOUCHE! (a sentence that has definitely been uttered before.)
24. Former Harlem Globetrotter is the best career a man could have. It also suggests he is good with his hands.
25. Yeah, this 60/40 guy is trash.
26. Who’s Jake from Minneapolis, Becca?!
27. I’m not here for the toxic masculinity arguments. I want to see bro-mances form.
28. Yes. Marry the man who shows up with a choir. I don’t understand how women still don’t get this.
29. I won’t comment further on this male model.
30. My perfect man will teach me how to Harlem Globetrot.
31. My favorite thing about Christon dunking over Becca is that the other guys were all a little turned on.
32. Grocery Store Guy is from the Southside. He’s back in my good graces. He had no chance to have a suave meet. We’re a clumsy people. I stan him. Internet peeps – scan the web and see if he’s a racist. Y’all work quick, so I’ll expect my answer within seconds. (He’s also a white guy from the Southside of Chicago so the odds are… not in his favor.)
33. That abandoned chicken head is the stuff of nightmares.
34. Becca, your family might love Garrett the Bigot but would they love the hateful Instagrams he faves?
35. Yes! Reveal who doesn’t have pure intentions! Get the drama started. I’m not here to learn to fly fish from someone who thinks the Parkland students were crisis actors.
36. Ex-girlfriends always have an impartial view of their ex-boyfriends, so I would definitely trust this guy’s ex to give you good info.
37. Ugh, send them both home, Becca. They’re both such boring people, they have to start drama on the first night.
38. Jake from Minneapolis is about to get got. She thinks you’re here for the fame, Jake!
39. Getting walked out through a foyer of people on the first night shows a coldness in Becca I truly respect.
40. Oh no. Garrett the Bigot gets the first impression rose. Is Becca about to be revealed as one of those “progressive” white women who picks a trash, racist man because their ideological differences don’t define their love? She is, isn’t she?
40. Floral suit jacket is not getting the attention he deserves.
41. “I can’t go home. It wouldn’t be fair to Becca.” Who lets men have this much confidence? How do we end it? This is an epidemic. Sorry I forgot I wasn’t commenting on Male Model.
42. I’m very attracted to Lincoln. I will happily join his season of The Bachelor, thank you for asking, ABC.
43. This poor guy who thinks this group of men is so wonderful. I want him to stick around just to inject some positivity into the group. And maybe he’ll find love with the Chicken he first cast aside.
44. How can she remember all these boring white guy names?
45. “A sea of highway patrol officers.” This long haired guy has a point about traditional good looks, but they would never let a non-traditional good looking woman on the Bachelor so I weep for no man.
46. MALE MODEL – There are so many other reasons you should be embarrassed.
47. Ugh, drink every time they say, “intentions” or “calling my character into question.” I’m constantly calling people’s character into question and no one ever calls me on it.
48. Other than the Southside Grocery Guy, I will now forget all these men who are going home ever existed. Like a Men-in-Black mind wipe pen I desperately need.
49. These men are embarrassed for the wrong reasons. Can I get their addresses to send them lists of why they should be embarrassed? I have a 34 slide power point for Male Model.
50. Fuck, I hate Jordan the Male Model already but he’s gonna be daaaaamn good TV. And he clearly knows a lot about pheromones and science.
51. Ladies & gentlemen, we have a virgin! This season, you must finish your drink every time someone says "virgin."
Join us every Wednesday for more Bachelorette shenanigans!