This post is part of a series. Check out Allison's recap of Episode 1.
I started Whole 30 today so I’m feeling extra superior but I can’t drink so who knows what effect this will have on my feelings towards Arie. Cue me not knowing the difference between these women.
1. Nothing less attractive to me than a man on a motorcycle. Being reckless with your life is not cute, Arie! A healthy fear of danger is sexy in a man.
2. “This is very real.” NTCAP Host’s first lie of the season.
3. Is taking your life into Arie’s hands worth it for the date, Becca?
4. It’d be worth it for that lobster that I’m sure they won’t eat.
5. If this turns into an episode of The Rachel Zoe Project, I’ll change my tune.
6. What is this? Pretty Woman? He just watches her dress and shop? It’s like last night’s Golden Globes didn’t even happen.
7. Becca, it’s nice he’s “letting” you keep them all, but you do know he is not paying for them, right?
8. Take the Louboutins and run, girl!
9. His eyes suck people in? Is that a good thing?
10. This is Pretty Woman only Arie will never be Richard Gere.
11. Obvi did not return on the motorcycle with all that expensive shit.
12. Moneys on Chelsea to rob Becca.
13. If a man bought me that much shit on a first date, I would 100% think he was going to kill me and chop me into little pieces.
14. “If you have any questions about me, I’d love you to ask.” On a date you typically ask her questions, Arie.
15. They keep talking about his salt and pepper hair like we are going to be tricked into thinking he’s Peter. It’s not the hair...
16. I’d watch 8 hours of the in-house shit talking.
17. I don’t understand when people want their partner to be close to their family. Nice that you like your parents and all, but don’t think you’re ever spending holidays with them again.
18. The only vehicle I fear more than motorcycles are tiny planes. I would not do well on this show.
19. Scottsdale’s town motto is “Most Livable City.” At least they know their place.
20. If a man takes a woman back to his high school, that means his best years were high school and anyone whose best years were high school is not to be trusted.
21. He’s showing her home videos and pretending he’s embarrassed. On a first date. I don’t want to armchair diagnose him as a sociopath, but... he is a sociopath.
22. Meeting the parents, on a first date, and not giving her a heads up?
23. I liked Krystal until she said, “I’m a hugger.”
24. I like that Valarie waved when her name was called on the group date. Like she gets that we don’t remember who she is.
25. They spent a whole day together in Scottsdale and he just asked her about herself like 12 hours later.
26. It’s horrible to play the “whose life is worse” game, but Krystal’s sob story is better than Becca’s.
27. Not to be cliché but he’s shown up in an awful lot of “cool” vehicles for someone who wants us to think he has a decent sized penis.
28. Love perpetuating the stereotype of women being bad drivers. This feels like a great move for feminism.
29. Truly thought the crying girl was going to say she was in a tragic car accident. You’re competing with dead dad and homeless brother so you have to show up with your sob story.
30. Look, I have irrational fears. As a child I was afraid of all sand because I thought quicksand was real and everywhere. But, I’m calling bullshit on your bumper car trauma.
31. NTCAP Host just said he’s happy he doesn’t have to clean this up. A production assistant 100% sneezed in his coffee for that.
32. Congrats, Sienne. Never seen you before in my life.
33. One woman just looked around the room like she just realized they were inside.
34. Chelsea is going to drop the kid bomb. Women have to be secretive about their children because then society views them as “used goods," but the men drop the kid bomb right away because it makes them seem endearing. Remember Sunday when we fixed gender inequality?
35. I think what separates women who go on The Bachelor from the rest of us is that they shave above the knee.
36. Arie just realized Sienne is too good for him. Just waiting for Sienne to realize that too.
37. Short-Haired Shit Stirrer is too cute for him.
38. Did Brittany give herself a concussion in pursuit of him? I mean respect, but also is he worth it?
39. Is the “Most Hardcore” certificate the same as a rose?
40. Bibiana stop talking about last night, and go get in the game!
41. I’ve seen this Good Doctor promo so much I now believe this kid should be the next Bachelor.
42. If Bibiana and Krystal fight, truly no one should have money on Krystal.
43. 10 points to the producer who told Krystal to go ask if she could interrupt.
44. All I know about Maquel is that she’s racist. Maybe that’s all we need to know.
45. Oh honey, you wouldn’t be a joke if you went home tonight. You’d be forgotten, but not a joke.
46. You did the damn thing, Bibi. Proud of you.
47. Arie, she left without saying goodbye. She doesn’t want to talk to you or hug you. Why do men always insert themselves where they’re not wanted?
48. “I’m not sad about you.” Tell him, girl.
49. Nevermind, she’s shaming my new taxidermy bff. She can peace.
50. They’re really trying to make Taxidermy Girl the new Sharky. No one ever will be.