It’s a normal Monday. We go around, recounting our weekends, which for me, includes a detailed analysis of the season two dynamics in Vanderpump Rules, and how on Earth Jax Taylor is still allowed out in public. (He’s a public safety hazard, and he should be quarantined, but this is a subject for another essay.) And then it begins: “Ugh, how can you watch that mindless shit?”
Turns out that turnabout is fair play when it comes to sisters watching reality TV. I made Allison watch "The Bachelor" and now she is making me watch "Real Housewives." Full disclosure: I saw one episode of "Real Housewives of New Jersey" approximately ten years ago*, and I religiously watched "Bethenny Ever After" so I have some very basic exposure to the Housewives world. Let’s jump in.
Hometowns: When we get to see the shame in the parent’s eyes that this is what their children have come to. I am looking forward to finding out if Garrett the Bigot’s family is racist, and if Blake has any brothers, but mostly I’m excited to see the gang from the Newsies greet Jason home. If Christian Bale’s not there, I’ll be heartbroken.
My favorite part of Monday has become the end of Wheel of Fortune I catch before The Bachelorette. I’m more attracted to Pat Sajak than I’ve ever been to a contestant. Does he have a rose? I feel like I’d do better on Wheel of Fortune than I would on The Bachelor. There’s less of a chance of me punching a man. Not no chance. Just less.
This is coming out a day late because I was at a wedding on Monday watching ACTUAL true love thrive. Look the wedding was good, my friends looked beautiful and I definitely drank too much but was there a pompous male model? No. A man in a chicken suit? Definitely not. Excessive drinking until fights broke out? Okay, I may have had a hand in that last one. Regardless, let’s get back to some manufactured drama.
Are you still watching The Bachelor/Bachelorette? Or maybe you gave up on it when Juan Pablo slut shamed Claire Crawley, a contestant on his season. Or when Nick Viall slut-shamed Andi Dorfman, the then Bachelorette, and the franchise later made him The Bachelor. Or when the producers cast a contestant with a racist and sexist social media history on the season featuring the first black Bachelorette. Or when a sexual misconduct scandal on the set of Bachelor in Paradise called into question the safety precautions taken by producers on set. Or when it came to light that there is a bigot on the current season, which features the first openly liberal Bachelorette. Or how about most recently when it a current contestant was convicted of indecent assault and battery for groping a woman aboard a cruise ship?
The ladies of Real Housewives of New York are killing it this season. Should we all just collectively switch over? I’m now differentiating between the men by whether they’re convicted criminals or Wills, Blake and the Newsie. If you’re not Wills, Blake or the Newsie, I don’t care to learn more about you.
I’ve heard rumors from my friends on the East Coast that Kim Jong Un makes a play for the rose this week. I feel comfortable telling Becca that despite her lackluster candidates, she should probably not pick him. Garrett the Bigot definitely gives his rose to Trump. Fingers crossed they ride off into the sunset together and we never see either of them again.
This week Becca went on a publicity tour, which included defending Garrett the Bigot like an infomercial for White Feminism and the current cause of my cluster headaches. I am really struggling to watch their love story evolve - take a look at my deeper dive on that. Thus, I am now instead shipping the Chicken and the positive guy (whose face I can’t remember), and me and Grocery Store Joe (RIP). I will now be writing this as if we are watching auditions for Bachelor in Paradise, which, let’s face it, we are. I'll also be using this recap as a pitch for a show where these guys hang out, overcome toxic masculinity, and maybe fall in love with each other. I’ll call it Boyz Houze. Get at me, Andy Cohen.