This post is part of a series. Check out Allison's recap of Episode 9.
This is three hours long. THREE HOURS LONG. That’s a long episode leading up to a twist the internet has already ruined for us. Is he going to propose to Becca and then switch to Lauren B. at the last minute or vice versa?!?! Either way, he’s a fuckboy and even Lauren Boring can do better.
1. Lauren B’s finale dress is better than Becca’s
2. “Unlike anything you’ve ever seen.” That’s a stretch. I once saw a fish poop at the aquarium and then another fish ate it, so my bar’s pretty high.
3. Nobody cares why Arie did his scandalous actions. We all already hate him.
4. I hope one of the women chooses Arie Sr.
5. He’s holding two of her fingers intensely and it looks uncomfortable.
6. That’s how you pronounce his last name?!
7. Lauren should consider a sleep podcast. She talks about her feelings and we’re all lulled to sleep.
8. There’s still 2 hours and 45 minutes left. This is as long as the Oscars was last night. Maybe at the end of this they'll announce that Get Out actually won and we can all sleep happy.
9. Arie wore a more boring shirt for Becca than he did for Lauren. Is he trying to tell us something or am I’m reading too much into this?
10. I feel like his family didn’t change clothes. Is this the same day and they’re trying to trick us?
11. His mom has a coldness and a sense of reservation I really appreciate.
12. Ew, he basically said he loves Lauren because she’s insecure and needs him to reassure her. Because I’m pretty sure she’s the one he switches to, I gained even less respect for him.
13. Becca’s doing an A+ job of subtly shading Lauren by saying other girls in the house were more open and easier to get to know.
14. I wish NTCAP Host really didn’t know what was going to happen so we could watch his reaction in real time.
15. “Lauren is super funny.”
16. There’s a new man in Arie’s family. Like I think they just recast a brother halfway through this.
17. I miss Nick Viall. Congratulations Universe, you win.
18. I’m giving my rose to the baby alpaca.
19. Both Lauren and Arie learned about the Seven Wonders of the World twenty minutes ago. It’s the only fact about Machu Picchu they know so they keep repeating it.
20. What do we think is in Arie’s red backpack that the producers can’t carry for him? Mini condoms? Beckah M.?
21. It’s probably the lighting but I feel like Arie dyed his hair between this day date and night date.
22. Arie and Lauren are cute in their matching boring grey sweaters.
23. Lauren’s just describing everyone’s life and he’s like “that’s exactly how I envision our life together!” Yes, because she just described walking dogs and basic chores. That’s what mine and Arie’s life would be like except I would never let him touch me.
24. Wowowowow. They brought up golf just when you thought you couldn’t be more bored by two people.
25. Arie looks like someone who would get accused of killing his second wife after his first one died under mysterious circumstances. Not saying that’s going to happen, just saying... watch your backs, ladies.
26. NTCAP Host, ask Beckah if her mother knows where she is.
27. Sometimes I find myself absent-mindedly smiling at their dates and I would say that’s when I experience self-loathing at the deepest level.
28. Oh, Becca. This is rough to watch if you’ve read the internet in the last week.
29. Becca should get a date with Peter as a consolation prize.
30. Remember the girl who thought she and Arie were meant for each other because her dead father had met him? I miss episode 1.
31. Cute that both of his final women had to have last initials because he had been dating so many women who had their first names.
32. She prepped a scrapbook for their future child.
33. No part of me believes that they do their own hair for this.
34. He doesn’t say the “C” in the word, “picture.” He pronounces it like, “pitcher.” I don’t want to overstate this, but he doesn’t deserve love.
35. “The end of everything.” Lauren, take a breath. There’s reason to live. Thin Mints still exist.
36. Bahahaha, the way she said, “I’m freaking out.” With the enthusiasm of someone saying, “please empty the dishwasher.”
37. Arie, just tell her. This is rude.
38. The entire premise of this show is just to be cruel to women. This show hates women.
39. God, I wish someone would say no to him asking if he can walk them out.
40. Damn, just saw the back-slit on Lauren’s dress. Girl, you don’t need him!
41. When he asks for her back I hope she dumps him, but I know she won’t.
42. I think that’s a little cop car behind her. “Lauren, you are under arrest for that hot back-slit on that dress.”
43. NTCAP Host, stop trying to draw this out. We all read Reality Steve.
44. Are bad tattoos a requirement of this show? Both Arie and Becca have bad tattoos.
45. Ugh, Arie stop drawing this out. Choose Becca and then flip. Some of us have to be up in the morning! (I’m not some of us.)
46. I wonder if he gives Lauren the same ring or if he gets a new one when he proposes to her.
47. Does Becca have to give the ring back to ABC or does she at least get to keep it?
48. He’s the worst kisser I’ve ever witnessed and I’ve made out with strangers in bars at 2am.
49. That broken rose is symbolic AS FUCK.
50. It doesn’t feel like the end of the story, NTCAP Host, because you’ve told us there’s a twist like 86 different ways.
51. This is painful. Becca deserves better. This show fucking hates women.
52. HE TOLD CHRIS HARRISON BEFORE HE TOLD BECCA. I hope hell is hot enough for you, Arie.
53. I want to formally apologize to Nick Viall for all the mean stuff I said. You didn’t deserve any of my hate. You were better than this. I hope January Jones makes you very happy.
54. Go back to the ex-boyfriend, Becca. Or spend some time alone and find yourself. Or go find Peter. Or get a cat. Whatever you do, tell Arie to fuck himself.
55. I bet even after watching this scene, I still have less emotions than Lauren.
56. Did she get a tattoo of him? What’s the new tattoo?
57. Also, can we talk about the fact that he agreed to do this with cameras on? He could have done this off camera. He’s a terrible human.
58. This is a small thing, but once you get engaged you shouldn’t describe your time together as “hanging out.”
59. He’s telling Becca she sensed his feelings for Lauren. Gaslighting, ladies and gentlemen.
60. When did he talk to Lauren? Timeline please.
61. He’s straight up putting shit on her. “I’ve been up front with you.” He’s a classic piece of shit.
62. Did she agree to let this air unedited? Does anyone care about her? Nope? This is 2018? Cool cool cool.
63. The audience just groaned at there being a lot more. We’re all ready for sleep and to forget that Arie is a person.
64. Oh good, she just has a weird tattoo of a bug. It’s not like his name or anything.
65. She asked you to leave, mofo. GTFO.
66. Arie, are you really walking back into that room right now? Why do men always assume they’re wanted somewhere even when they’ve been told explicitly otherwise? If I ever receive an answer to this I can die happy.
67. Leave. Women. Alone. When. They. Ask. You. To. Leave. Them. Alone.
68. NTCAP Host loves that this is trending and blowing up social media. He’s trash too.
69. This is all worth it for this “Book Club” movie sneak peak.
70. Remember Jayden Tanner? He wouldn’t stand for this shit.
71. She asked you to leave. Why the ever-loving fuck are you still sitting there?
72. The only person in that room who didn’t get a say in what’s happening is Becca, and she’s the one no one is listening to when she asks to be left alone.
73. Sidebar to applaud Beckah M’s fur skirt. Bold choice.