This post is part of a series. Check out Allison's recap of Episode 2.
I’ve heard rumors from my friends on the East Coast that Kim Jong Un makes a play for the rose this week. I feel comfortable telling Becca that despite her lackluster candidates, she should probably not pick him. Garrett the Bigot definitely gives his rose to Trump. Fingers crossed they ride off into the sunset together and we never see either of them again.
1. This first scene is a great promo for Boyz Houze, a show for which I am fielding many offers, but am still primarily looking to give my business to Bravo TV and Andy Cohen.
2. “Walking around cooking scrambled eggs all day” is the worst insult I’ve ever heard and I’ve watched white dudes attempt rap battles.
3. Colton and I both have pimples in the middle of our foreheads. I’m not attracted to him but I wonder if that means we’re supposed to be together.
4. Love these ladies, but their champagne/orange juice ratio in those mimosas is off.
5. Becca, is that a bathing suit? Is it underwear? Regardless, where did you get it from and does it cost less than $10?
6. Colton looks like a 7-year-old’s face was plastered onto a grown man’s body.
7. Seeing your ex-girlfriend on a date is one of your worst nightmares, Colton? I once had a dream that Jake Gyllenhaal turned into a snake while we were on a date, so…
8. I was eating. Did she forget Jason’s name? I mean same, so no shade.
9. Feel like they’re really setting up a Tia/Colton romance on Paradise.
10. “Jason,” if that is, in fact, his name, looks like a Newsies cast member got lost. Please sing us a verse of Seize the Day, “Jason.”
11. I appreciate a man who can give a good pedicure. That being said, if a man who was not a licensed esthetician ever touched my feet, I would commit murder.
12. The producers set aside the most awkward time for Becca and Tia to talk. Like there’s no way they couldn’t have done this before? These mo-fos know how to make a spectacle.
13. Love a broken fourth wall.
14. I need a full timeline of the Tia/Colton relationship because I feel like there are significant holes.
15. Okay, Male Model. No one was taking you seriously before the manicure.
16. FINALLY, a Bachelorette who is honest about forgetting their names. If it wasn’t for Meghan, Becca would be the people’s princess.
17. Newsie’s got kissing skillz.
18. Based only on Wills’ response to Male Model, we’re soulmates.
19. Okay, nevermind. I now dislike the Chicken. Anyone who says “not here for the right reasons” that much should go home.
20. Fuck Male Model, but “Cheers to you being a bitch,” is my new sign off.
21. Becca’s bored face while Male Model is talking about how hard it is to date a model is delightful.
22. We all know what a Wilhelmina Model is, douche b. We’ve watched ANTM.
23. Professionality is not a word. Oh, it is? Well, I don’t recognize it as a word. Just like I don’t recognize Trump as president.
24. Wills and Newsie are the couple I’m rooting for to win Boyz Houze.
25. Remember when Nick Viall immediately kicked off a woman because he had slept with her once? All this guy and Tia did was kiss, and he’s getting all the benefits of all the doubts.
26. We know Male Model and Chicken are not leaving until they have a two-on-one, so let’s just table them until we get there.
27. I remember disliking Chris, but I don’t remember why. Maybe I should keep an open mind? Oh, he’s from Florida.
28. I’ve lived in LA three years and I didn’t know Capital Records was an accessible building. I thought it was just something you saw from the 101, like the Scientology Center.
29. Oh Becca. So pretty. Such a terrible singing voice.
30. If someone told me I was going to write a love song on a second date, I would escape into the night like a commitment phobic batman.
31. Chris is as bad a writer as Becca is a singer.
32. Chris. Is. Boring.
33. Where has Lincoln been this whole episode? Lincoln, explain the bloody Chicken situation!
34. The long silence after NTCAP Host said, “David,” made me think he had to specify that it was the chicken.
35. Ugh, no one even did it. Honestly rude. Dudes punching each other or bust.
36. This poor non-Clay team is getting so pumped up to lose.
37. Poor Lincoln thought they were going to play soccer.
38. I could not be the Bachelorette because I could not stay sweat free in this type of environment.
39. Men falling left and right over here. Broken face, broken wrist. Maybe Becca will pick one of the EMTs.
40. Coincidentally, I bring all of my dates to antique shops at the end of the night.
41. I’m not commenting on Garrett the Bigot, but if I were, I’d comment on the audacity it takes for a “sales rep” to explain tackling to a woman who just spent her whole day with female professional football players.
42. Okay, Blake is cute. The internet would have revealed if he were a bigot by now, no? Can I live safely under the assumption that he’s not a bigot?
43. Clay playing the injured card and getting that rose pinned to his sling.
44. I know I say this every week, but I swear to god, there is a man standing next to Becca that I’ve truly never seen before. Is he David’s stand-in?
45. Poor Clay. Making noble decisions. Maybe Becca should just leave with him.
46. I will work my whole life and never come up with as good a joke as them BLURRING DAVID’S FACE.