It’s been a rough couple weeks. Sharky is gone, Taylor and Derek’s relationship remains unbearably boring even through orchestrated arguments, and we’re expected to still care about Chief Fuckboi in Charge Dean and his many conquests.
1. Why is Jasmine, Queen of Paradise, even concerning her self with a man who dresses as a penguin and a woman who has gotten this far in life without learning how to properly eat seafood? They’re boring, Jasmine. You are not. Also, not to nitpick, but Jasmine promised us some good TV as she went to tell off Christen, and then had a mildly awkward conversation about how Christen knew she was dating Matt. I’m bored. By the time Matt came back to give Jasmine his rose, I had forgotten he was a person.
2. Dom responded to NTCAP Host asking how she was with “Good, how are you?” and it was clearly the first time anyone asked about his feelings. Poor, NTCAP Host. Maybe all he wants is to find love, but he’s stuck dealing with this group of parental disappointments instead.
3. Somehow, despite all odds, Robby has become the least obnoxious dude on this show. He brings Amanda hotel slippers for her kids and other than that, stays mostly silent. I don’t know if that means I’m genuinely starting to like him or if the rest of the men on this show are the purest forms of trash. Probably—no, definitely the former, but still... Good work, Robby.
4. Wells deserves his own show with puppets, horrible accents and the best fucking advice ever. “Why are you fighting for someone who’s not fighting for you?” is the best thing anyone could say to Kristina right now, and something I’ve thought about saying to many of my girlfriends a number of times before getting distracted by a muffin. I want his impression of Sharky telling the Scallop Fingers story to play at all my birthdays, weddings and funerals in the future. If Jasmine is the Queen of Paradise, Wells is the King.
5. Daniel may be the creepiest motherfucker to ever show up on this island. (Sorry, Tickle Monster, you’ve been replaced.) And Lacey full jumped into his arms as if his arms have magic powers to heal her bad personality. In his first short minutes he referred to human women as “leftovers,” said all women who weren’t virgins had STDs, and then became a masked wrestler. He is a true nightmare and his Canadian “eh” sounds fake. Best of luck to the happy couple.
6. In addition to being ousted as “Creepiest Dude on this Hellforsaken Island,” we also learned that Tickle Monster is a doctor and has been divorced?! And they casually threw this at us as if this isn’t one of the most shocking things to happen on this show. Why, oh why, does he insist on tickling? You’ve got plenty of other things going for you, so please take the weird plastic hands off your fingers.
7. And Sharky departs, swimming off into the majestic ocean. She was severely underserved. No man was good enough for her. Dumb Jack can’t even take a good “dead, decaying crab in the mouth” joke. Bring her back, but bring a variety of men who deserve her perfection. Swim away, sweet shark. You are loved.
8. Of all this ridiculous Dean/D.Lo./Kristina drama, the most disturbing part is that it could tear apart the friendship of Kristina and Raven. Ladies, do not let Dean, who no one has proved is over 16 years old, destroy a friendship as strong as yours. Also Dean telling one of these twins that he can’t go on a date with them because it would be disrespectful to Krisina and D.Lo, please. No one thinks you’re worried about being respectful to them at this point, ya losah!
9. Cheers for Whaboom’s rival whose name I won’t bother to learn and Cutie Fred coming and then immediately leaving. I guess ABC is just giving us a reminder (we did not need) and letting us know they are still people. Kristina should have given Cute Fred his rose before she peaced and pushed this other dude into a bonfire. Bye, boys. In honor of neither of you being that important, here’s Kristina saying goodbye to Raven and Taylor and shading D.Lo.
10. This show brings Jamie in to exploit her sexuality, (and then have her ultimately take a guy on a date because baby steps) and these two blonde twins to tout a tired stereotype of the evil, oversexed blonde twins. I’d be shocked, but what did we expect from a show that’s so proud it is finally letting black people participate in 2017? All this really accomplished was to make me more annoyed with Dean. Time to call it, NTCAP Host.
One more week of this madness, friends. Then we can forget that Dean is a person!