The Ten Most Ridiculous Things That Happened on the Second Week of "Bachelor in Paradise"

Week Two and nobody has any blistering sunburn or welted mosquito bites yet, proving all these people are smarter and more responsible than I would be on this island. Fingers crossed this is the week someone gets stung by a scorpion otherwise, I don't understand the point of this show. 

1.      For a second I thought Adam showed up sans doll.  Once again, I’ve given this show too much credit. What’s the plan with the doll at this point? Is it a security blanket thing for him? Does he genuinely believe it comes alive at night and talks him through his relationship issues? Does it have a huge schlong? If the answer is no to all of these questions, please do us all a favor and burn it in a bonfire before it falls in love with Dean like everyone else on this island.  If it does turn out to be A) anthropomorphic and B) well-hung, I hope it takes Lacey out on a date. She deserves love.

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2.      Ben Z is crazy hot, but no one seems to be buying it. Is it because he has a last initial after his name even though there is no other Ben there, or because he won’t shut up about his dog? Look, I love a good pet as much as the next girl, but if your entire personality is “I love my dog,” I don’t know how to help you. Maybe start trolling places where you can find a woman as basic as you are. May I suggest a Yankee Candle on October 1st or an American Eagle Outfitters?  Coincidentally, these are both places you can also find me.

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3.      It’s shocking that Robby is the only “social media influencer.” I feel like if these people were honest, there would be way more. I don’t get Robby’s speedos or his hair or his general existence, but at least let’s throw him some credit for being honest about his non-career. Based on his Instagram, this basically involves posting glam shots and #SponCon.  I could do that.  Where do I get a job as one of these social media influencers?

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4.      Iggy has gotten really far for being so bad at picking up women. Last week he told Sharky she’s crazy, and this week his opening line to Lacey is “So you’re Jewish.” Come on, dude. You’re really boring and disingenuous, so you have to have something better going for you than an ability to point out women’s religions. I don’t trust him for you, Lacey. You need a guy who’s interesting enough that he doesn’t have to google Jewish prayers to recite for you or awkwardly dance in a way he clearly thinks is working when it’s not.

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5.      The Rose-Shirt guy with his seatbelt, Adam running from a bug and accidentally calling Sarah Rachel. Are any of these men functioning human beings? Props to Rose-Shirt guy for wearing a shirt covered in roses as a hail mary. No one expected it to work, but you went for it and that’s what counts. Glad I don’t now have to learn your name or where you came from, but I wish you well. I hope the car doesn’t crash because you are not safely secured in the vehicle.

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6.      How are more of these men not throwing themselves at Danielle M? She’s cute, she rocks a crown braid like a mothafucking queen, and her purple dress is fire. Above all, she leaves to go save children. I’m full shipping her and Wes now. None of the other men deserve you, Danielle. Best of luck in Kenya. We’re all rooting for you!

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7.      I could watch Sharky and Jasmine fake slapping each other for hours.  They are the true MVP’s of this experience. Also, the way Sharky full turns on any man who betrays her friends and Jasmine is the queen of prying out of the new women who they came to meet... these ladies are playing the game and they're doing it well.  I’m still unclear about the rules of paradise, but if there are winners these two deserve to bring it home.

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8.      I want to get the Nick Viall Shade in this episode pregnant. Sharky full called him the worst Bachelor in history. (Then he tried to dis her on twitter with poor grammar. Bitch, I will come for you.) Then Dean got in on the Nick trashing. While I agree with my soul sister, Sharky, that you are, in fact, being a little dick, I can appreciate anyone dumping on Human Uncooked Ramen Noodle, Nick Viall. Sharky and Jasmine can have a talk show where they fake slap each other while insulting Nick with bad British accents, and I will never change the channel.

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9.      Dean could not even swing for a real cake for D Lo. He got her a goddam watermelon cake. WHO THE FUCK BRINGS SOMEONE FRUIT FOR THEIR BIRTHDAY RATHER THAN DECADENT PASTRY?! Kristina, we will find you someone worth your time who understands the importance of dessert. This injustice will not stand. Cry it out, girl. And then find you a man who will bring you chocolate.

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10.  Lacey, I feel for you sweetie. The thirst is real. I want you to do well, but Ima need you to take some inventory on the situation. You went on one date with Diggy, and yes his glasses are super cute, and he’s a self-proclaimed feminist, but you were not engaged. You can’t have fallen in love with him this quickly. Find someone you love who loves you, and don’t just settle for a man who said yes to a date. And don’t blame Taylor for destroying your relationship. A) She’s not that powerful and B) You do not want to be on her bad side.

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