The Ten Most Ridiculous Things That Happened on the First Week of "Bachelor in Paradise"
This has to be the most ridiculous iteration of The Bachelor franchise yet, but weirdly the one that seems the most comparable to regular dating. Instead of convincing yourself that the one person offered to you is your soulmate, you get a series of choices, and maybe you meet your person or maybe you just hook up with someone in order to not get kicked off this island we call life. Here are the most ridiculous things I noticed on my first viewing of Bachelor in Paradise.
1. NTCAP Host made a “Trouble in Paradise” pun in the first thirty seconds. I can just picture him in his dressing room before they shot this opening, staring at himself in a mirror repeating, “you will not make this pun” over and over until he almost believed it. Alas, as he so often does, he let himself down. There’s always next week, NTCAP Host. Don’t get too down on yourself.
2. NTCAP Host talking about Jayden Tanner again like I’m supposed to now believe that this is two separate people and not one person asexually reproducing. Seriously, until I have solid evidence to the contrary, it is one person.
3. How, I ask, how on earth is it possible that Sharky doesn’t have her own show yet? In the first two episodes of this madness she has already washed up on the beach looking like a shark goddess, talked about her vagina dancing, become an angel of support for these other women and realized that none of these chaches are good enough for her, all while constantly downing alcohol. I’d read any self help book she published, watch any talk show, lay down in front of any train to save her life. She needs her own show. Remedy this, ABC.
4. Jasmine trying to like DeMario and failing is all of us. These women talking shit about the dudes is all of us. These men could leave, and I could just watch a show of these women hanging out, supporting each other, being their best selves and talking trash about trash men.
5. Taylor seems to have a real fear of being abandoned. I wonder if this happened before or after Nick left her shipwrecked in a swamp? Glad to see you recovering, friend. This big eared dude is hot.
6. The women making fun of Ken Doll Robby while he thinks his date with Raven went great is the shit I live for. Props to this mess for finding someone worse than Nick Viall. Way to know your self-worth, Raven. Now go find yourself a nice boy who can read signals. Live your best life and be happy. And please, for the love of all that is sacred on this island, someone fix this man’s hair.
7. Human Iggy told Sharky that he likes her because she’s “crazy.” I almost leapt into the screen to punch him. She’s not crazy, she’s perfect. You’re a fragile man. Sharky, if you want a man named Iggy, I got a real cute cat who will honor your freak flag and not confuse it with crazy. Although, I would be okay with Human Iggy and Dean hooking up. They greeted each other with real love. Follow your hearts, boys.
8. This Alex guy wins this week’s award for weakest, most fragile of men. And let me tell you, this competition is fierce. Gotta love a man who complains about a woman not being interested in him because he’s a “nice guy.” He popped the nice coins into Amanda and sex didn’t immediately fly out. Check that machine! As we all know, all a man should have to do to get laid is be minimally nice. Never mind if the woman isn’t attracted to you or has any other reason to not want to bone you. You were “nice.”
9. Taylor’s puzzle metaphor about her and Derek both being individual puzzles near each other should be embroidered onto a pillow next to her cross stitch about emotional maturity. Taylor, when you’ve worn out your Bachelor career, open up that Etsy shop.
10. Wells, the bartender, is the most compelling character, save Sharky. He should find someone. That should be the twist, when he stopped looking for it and got a bunch of people plastered, love found him. Also the blonde Danielle is into you, bartender. Go for it.
What fresh hell will next week bring?