This post is part of a series. Check out Allison's recap of Episode 3.
The ladies of Real Housewives of New York are killing it this season. Should we all just collectively switch over? I’m now differentiating between the men by whether they’re convicted criminals or Wills, Blake and the Newsie. If you’re not Wills, Blake or the Newsie, I don’t care to learn more about you.
1. Sounds like Jordan’s god is a petty god and honestly, this is the closest I’ve felt to him so far.
2. Honestly, David looks great. The bruises give him character.
3. Still wearing that hospital bracelet. No one could have told him to take it off?
4. Don’t care for him when he speaks.
5. Petty is not a good color on you, Chicken. Petty is only a good color on mine and Male Model’s god.
6. Forgot Jean Blanc’s career was as a “Colognoisseur.” I was rooting for you, man.
7. I’m done with Male Model. He’s obnoxious. She’s obvi not into him. Relieve us from our misery.
8. Newsie with that first rose.
9. Someone explain why the fuck this goon is wearing a track suit? Oh, Florida. I get it.
10. WHO IS THE GUY IN THE PAISLEY TIE?!
11. Lincoln gets the rose. Times Up! Just not for Bachelorette contestants.
12. Guess I don’t have to learn who paisley tie is. Neither does Becca.
13. No one has ever cheered for Utah like this.
14. I will not comment on Becca’s date with Garrett the Bigot. So I’ll take this time to listen to Beyoncé and her husband’s new album.
15. I’m jumping back in in the middle of this “The Earth is Flat” argument. Are you telling me Lincoln doesn’t understand gravity?!
16. Jean Blanc moving away from him is perfect. Like distance yourself from that nonsense, Jean.
17. Becca just said, “Who gets to do this?” Re: Bobsledding. Like a lot of people, Becca. I feel like if you wanted to try, you could find a place. You wouldn’t be good at it, but you’re not good at picking men either.
18. Garrett the Bigot on the date with the lesbian couple is a teeny tiny justice.
19. So happy for Wills. Get your one-on-one on.
20. They have a new “hot” country singer on every season of this dumb show and I couldn’t name one of them. I’ve already forgot this rat-faced bro’s name.
21. Becca just rejected that man trying to hold her hand. His name is apparently “John.”
22. Why is the measure of man if you’ve picked up an axe in your life? Lizzy Borden picked up an axe but no one’s tryna date her.
23. If Becca likes men in plaid, why doesn’t she just hit up a TV writers’ room?
24. Wow, this “John,” really coming through.
25. Living for what Jean Blanc’s special gift will be.
26. How does Becca trust this many men on reality TV? I trust no one.
27. Becca full leaned her body away when Male Model tried to kiss her.
28. Wait, I can’t understand the bleeping. Did Colton just call Male Model a fucker or a f****t because I only stand by one of those?
29. CREEPY giving someone you’re not engaged to a gift with your last name on it. Also that’s just a bottle of Miss Dior Jean Blanc relabeled.
30. WOWOWOWOW, that’s not the response you want when you tell someone they’re falling in love with you. It’s hard to move too fast on a show about finding a fiancé in 6 weeks, but Jean Blanc has done it.
31. Wait, is he revoking the “I’m falling in love with you”? Bro!!!!
32. Wills is going to turn this shit around.
33. I would love if Wills turned this around and won, but since I know how this shit works, I’ll just look forward to him on paradise.
34. NO MORE ARIE TALK. Wills can talk about his terrible ex-girlfriend forever.
35. Oh man, Wills skipping away after that kiss. I’m in love with him.
36. NTCAP Host is aging fast. This nonsense is wearing on him as much as the rest of us.
37. Leo’s a bold choice for Rose #1.
38. These contestants use the word “devastated” too much.
39. Oh no! Male Model beating out a Former Harlem Globetrotter?! Now THAT’S devastating.
40. “I’m like a sponge. You can squeeze me, and get everything out of me, but you’ll never know until you try.” Jordan, have you ever used a sponge, or seen a sponge, or even just watched Spongebob Squarepants? None of that is how a sponge works.
41. I hope a vulture eats Male Model next week.