This recap is part of Allison's Bachelorette Recap series. Check out her recap for Episode 8.
Ugh, here we go. Bryan is Trump and Peter is Hillary. One of you deserves this, and the other will literally destroy the world if given the power. Eric is Bernie Sanders. Like good job and all, but please go home now. I pray to my god, Sharky, that Rachel makes the right choice.
1. Three hours?! Did Peter Jackson direct this?
2. How many of these three hours will be commercials and backstage shots of the men?
3. Biggest and best Bachelorette viewing party in the world, NTCAP Host? I have wine and my dogs keep farting on me so....
4. Who the fuck is Juan Pablo? I can only care about the topic at hand, NTCAP Host.
5. Ugh they’re basically telling us that she and Peter don’t end up together. Maybe a “Spoiler Alert,” Rachel.
6. Fighting emotions is my hobby. See, Peter! We have similar interests!
7. At least she’ll get to bone him once before she sends him packing.
8. That’s fair, Rach. Sex always clears things up. It never makes things more complicated.
9. I wish one of these hours was taken up with Shirtless Peter.
10. How many sex surfaces does this hotel room have?
11. Wait, if she didn’t break down and cry with Peter now, does that mean he makes it through the rose ceremony? Math.
12. Ugh, GO HOME BRYAN.
13. That white horse seems like a douche so it matches Bryan.
14. I hope he’s thrown from the horse.
15. You don’t have to know, Rachel. We all know! PICK PETER!
16. By, “I needed to see this through.” She means she needed to see if the salt n pepper carpets matched the drapes.
17. Does she do all three fantasy suite dates in a row? If yes, props to her sex stamina.
18. If NTCAP Host had anything to do with writing those notes than I’m actually a human made of cheese.
19. If this were a real romantic comedy, Bryan would be the easy guy that makes sense, but Peter would be her true love she risks everything for. Also, she’d be played by Regina Hall, and Peter would be played by himself because no actor can capture his masculine yet grounded sexuality.
20. I ask about men’s credit scores on every date. Is that not appropriate? To be fair, I’m also trying to steal their identity.
21. NTCAP Host is the friend that’s like, “I was there too! You like me! I’m important.”
22. Excellent dress. Best so far.
23. Nothing about Bryan is real. Especially his cheek bones.
24. Peter’s tie needs a rose.
25. Oh thank god, I get to look at Peter’s hair for at least two more hours.
26. Eric, I was skeptical at first, but you really won me over. Not easy to do. Be proud.
27. Classy exit, Eric.
28. If Peter pulls out a win, I think you would make a great Bachelor, Eric. You will find love! Or at least TV fame.
29. I just noticed Peter’s pocket square. Like I wasn’t enough in love before.
30. Nice beard, Eric. Excellent upgrade.
31. I wish everyone could watch this show with my dad huffing about it from the kitchen.
32. Anyone doing shots every time she says “journey” is dead now.
33. Every time they want to explore something in a different way it means from a helicopter.
34. Hot hair balloon. Same thing. Rachel loves the sky.
35. “You made the wrong decision by coming on this show.” A quote from my father. He will be writing the #BachelorInParadise recap.
36. Am I a Satanist if I pray for Bryan to be heartbroken?
37. Giving her a dictionary seems condescending.
38. Bryan will not leave in a classy manner, or what we will now call an Eric Exit.
39. All my best dates have happened at monasteries.
40. Maybe this whole “Peter nervous about proposing” thing is so when he ultimately does propose we are tricked into believing it’s the real deal.
41. Here come the tears.
42. Peter’s so strict in his convictions, and it’s hot, Hot, HOT!
43. If you can’t answer whether or not he’s the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, than why are you expecting him to, Rachel?!
44. If they end up together I feel like there are going to be a lot of “I want you to want to do the dishes” type arguments.
45. You’re putting him in a real bind here, Rachel. And not the fun kind.
46. Were her falsies a causality of her crying?
47. Are you forcing yourself to do something you don’t want to do? Yes Rachel, you are forcing yourself to be with Bryan and no one wants that.
48. Rachel confirms her falsies were in fact a causality of the tears.
49. Wait, are we really accepting that it is Bryan? This is how Bryan wins? Now we just watch hers and Bryan’s shitty engagement for an hour? No, there’s still an hour left. There has to be a twist. Bryan’s really a cheek implant robot or something.
50. I’m single and terrified of commitment, Peter! But could we maybe just meet in a roller rink or something normal?
51. Even Rachel and Peter being pissed at each other is hot.
52. Peter is the most honest person I’ve ever seen on this show, or the best at faking honesty, and truth be told, I’d live in a lie for him.
53. Walking past teary eyelashes on the floor can’t be sanitary though.
54. He can know he wants a marriage and family, and not know that you’re the right person within nine weeks! Rachel, we’re fighting.
55. Rachel, before he leaves: DOES THE SALT N PEPPER CARPET MATCH THE DRAPES?
56. Yes, you are rushing into this with Bryan. But you’ve clearly stopped listening to me!
57. Who do you think will get sick of their chosen fiancé first? Rachel or Vanessa?
58. It would be awkward for Neil Lane if this show was actually sponsored by Kay Jewelers.
59. How long you’ve waited, Bryan? You’ve waited exactly nine weeks.
60. Congrats, Bryan. You win by default. Also everyone hates you.
61. If I never have to see them kiss again, I’ll pay for their wedding.
62. Why are you forcing us to live through another proposal, Bryan?
63. “Re-marry me” is not correct. You’re getting re-engaged. Even that’s an annoying stretch.
64. All our friends disappoint us, but Rachel choosing Bryan has to be among the worst disappointments I’ve had.
65. I deeply want NTCAP Host to ask Bryan how he feels about being the default winner.
66. They’ll definitely move to LA so they can both start their careers as professional celebrities.
67. He’s so proud that her being an attorney turns him on. Next he’ll want praise for thinking she’s attractive even without makeup.
68. I hope Copper hates him.
69. “I want to show her off.” SHE’S A WOMAN NOT A STAMP COLLECTION!
70. I wonder what is worse, Bryan or using sexual assault allegations to promote a show?
71. I thought there wasn’t enough Sharky and then she started talking about her vagina dancing.
See ya in Paradise!