This recap is part of Allison's Bachelorette recap series. Check out her recap for Episode 7.
NTCAP Host, please use this episode to tell us if Peter will be the next Bachelor so I can tell my family and friends to submit me ironically while secretly hoping to become the thickest-thighed contestant ever to appear on this network. Also tell us where Copper is. kthxbye!
1. That skirt, Rachel. That’s the winner.
2. Did you guys know there’s a Real Housewives of Dallas? Feel like Andy Cohen let me down not telling me about that one. Oh right, this show...
3. This show gets more boring after there are fewer dudes to drunkenly fight each other.
4. Rachel, your hints about them asking your parents for your hand in marriage are not subtle.
5. My hatred for Bryan makes my black, tar-filled heart swell two sizes.
6. Peter knows child sizes. “He probably wears a 3 or a 4.” Peter, I am the emotionally closed off woman you’ve been waiting for!
7. It’s like I want them to be together but at the same time, I’m planning my future with Peter. May the best woman win. (Rachel’s going to win, isn’t she?)
8. Peter, winning over that family like a champ! Bring it on, Bryan.
9. Feel like Constance and I are really going to get along.
10. I know Rachel’s mom, Kathy, and I are going to get along.
11. I’m obsessed with Peter’s sturdy, rock solid emotionless demeanor.
12. COPPER IS ALIVE AND FINE AND PLAYING WITH A BABY! Nothing else matters. All is right with the world. For a second, I almost forgot about the horror that is Bryan.
13. Rachel’s cousin in the yellow dress: winner is right.
14. The most I’ve ever respected Bryan is how much trash he’s talking behind other guys back.
15. Peter, I agree that Bryan is ballsy and arrogant and annoying. WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.
16. You know how you should absolutely never date a man with two first names. Like how Darren Criss is super untrustworthy. Is that true of women? Rachel Lindsay seems trustworthy and women, on average, are 3002% more trustworthy than man so I think we’ll let it slide.
17. Constance is rivaling Rachel for best dressed. The beaded collar that looks like a bow tie. Yes, Constance!
18. Kathy: “I trust her. Whatever Rachel decides.” PROGRESS! It’s almost like women are no longer the property of their parents until a man takes over. Are women their own people who get to make their own choices?
19. I haven’t been this excited to see a man destroyed by a family since my sister brought her now fiancé home for the first time to a bunch of champagne drunk people at midnight. Give 'em that Gilbert treatment, Lindsay family!
20. The moment when men like Bryan are confident around a woman’s friends because they’re used to charming women before they realize they’re about to be eaten alive is, to me, what heaven is.
21. Cat Iggy started coughing up a hairball when Bryan said he was in love with Rachel.
22. Rachel hugs her family like she hasn’t seen them in years. Girl, you were there yesterday.
23. Brunch is church to some people.
24. “It’s hard to believe especially when you say love.” I’m bringing all my suitors to Rachel’s house for her mother and sister to break.
25. Constance, can I have your phone number just for life advice and general shading of people I dislike?
26. The uncle and the brother-in-law are jumping in with the tough questions.
27. If Bryan’s walking away to get an engagement ring, NTCAP Host better walk out and explain that the entire Bachelor franchise has all been one elaborate 10 year long prank.
28. This family fighting is the most honest thing to happen on this show. And Rachel snapping at her brother-in-law is classic younger sister sass.
29. ABC, give Constance and her husband a show where they travel around to couples thinking about marriage and question whether it’s going to work. It will be a ratings gold mine and divorce rates will plummet. All I ask is "Creator" credit, points on the back end and a standing lunch date with Constance.
30. End him, Kathy!
31. Alright, Kathy. B+.
32. Cute how they’re making it look like Rachel only brought one small suitcase to Spain, and she’s carrying it in herself.
33. Starting to think Rachel has some sort of helicopter/blimp obsession.
34. If it matters, and it should, Rachel and Eric’s color coordination is spectacular.
35. Old monasteries and wishing bells? What is this, Narnia?
36. The collar of Eric’s coat is bending his ear in a way that makes him look like a forest creature, and are we actually in Narnia?
37. Oof, Eric. Pulling out all the stops at the end. Way to make a play for the win.
38. I wonder if the PA who has to write these notes feels comfortable writing sex invites for people? I feel like I would be really good at that job.
39. Do they get the guy’s measurements ahead of time or do they just have a variety pack of condoms to make sure everyone’s sizes are accommodated?
40. Rock that choker, Rach.
41. The smile Rachel has on her face while this man sings to them is the same smile I have whenever strange men try to talk to me.
42. If she doesn’t pick Peter, how do they split up that wine evenly? Are they going to have to get the courts involved?
43. Where do they men go when it’s been a while since they’ve seen her? Home or do they keep them in a dark, locked room?
44. What is actually happening with this child right now? Is anyone else wondering if a family died on this vineyard, and we’re all collectively seeing their ghosts?
45. Based solely on visual judgment, Peter is the far superior kisser of the group.
46. Peter for the win, indeed.
47. This whole “engagement means marriage” thing is mine and Rachel’s biggest disagreement. But friends fight!
48. Peter is honest. Bryan is not. I FEEL LIKE THE ANSWER IS OBVIOUS.
49. Is the Fantasy Suite transferable? Like can Peter and I take it?
50. This “Men Tell All” promo definitely has new men that we’re never previously featured on this show, no?