This recap is part of Allison's Bachelorette recap series. Check out her recap for Episode 6.
If we don't see Copper this week, I am going to hold NTCAP Host for ransom until we know Copper is safe. Now that I think about it, I haven't seen NTCAP Host in a while either... Are people and animals who have appeared on this show going missing? Someone check on Mila Kunis!
1. Eric rocking that Canadian tuxedo.
2. A man named Ralph will not make me cry. Eric wins the award for breaking into the black hole where my heart should be.
3. How you first met? Rachel, you met on a reality show.
4. This family seems fun. Can I drink with you guys?
5. Radical thought: Maybe we should stop putting the reputation of an entire race or group of people on one person?
6. I should go on the Bachelorette just to work some stuff out with my family. They all have such deep conversations while the cameras are there.
7. Between Eric’s mom’s earrings and Rachel’s rings, they could really start a jewelry line.
8. Eric’s dad is really rocking the sunglasses inside look. Lots of positives from these people, Rachel.
9. Eric, coming in from behind. He and Peter are the frontrunners! You hear that, Rachel. NO BRYAN!
10. You may not be worried about Bryan’s sincerity, Rachel, but I am.
11. The only good part of this is that Rachel’s hair looks bomb.
12. Bryan just haphazardly tossed Rachel into a fellow dancer. What does that carelessness say about him as a husband and father?
13. Of course he’s an only child! That explains so much.
14. Bryan’s blaming a lot on his ex-girlfriend. Really want to hear her side of the story.
15. But is Bryan’s relationship with his mom... too close?
16. That shirt is not doing anything to help Bryan’s cause.
17. Bryan, listen to your mother. Also stop falling in love with women so quickly.
18. Seriously, desperate to hear his girlfriend’s side of the story. Write a book, girl.
19. I don’t think she’s kidding about killing you, Rachel. I would believe that this woman has killed.
20. Oh wow. I just threw up in my mouth when he said he was in love with her.
21. Honestly bored. Let’s get to Dean’s weird dad.
22. I’m physically attracted to Peter’s grey shirt.
23. If a man fed me pickles I would give him literally anything I wanted. Love, money, my left tit. Anything.
24. Peter’s friends look like the cast of a network sitcom after the network got slammed for not being diverse.
25. Peter is actually my ideal man who I will now judge all my gentleman suitors against.
26. Peter’s genuine concerns about whether falling in love on a reality show is too fast is giving me a half-chub. There is nothing sexier than a man making rational, informed decisions.
27. Peter’s mom, Lynn has the best Midwestern mom haircut, and now I’m homesick.
28. They have a neon “Welcome Rachel” sign and a bowl of fake apples. These are my people!
29. Lynn gets it. Commitment doesn’t always mean marriage. Lynn, I’m the one for your son.
30. “I don’t know that he can get there in the time that this journey allows.” Maybe... just maybe, this journey isn’t the best way to start a relationship? No?
31. Is she contractually obligated to run and jump into each of their arms?
32. Her helmet on hat look is cute.
33. What a coincidence. I refer to chocolate lava cakes as “my beautiful surprise.”
34. Cultural Appropriation: A Seminar with Dean’s father.
35. Dean denying his father’s cooking is S.H.A.D.Y.
36. Dean, you can marry me and that way we can spend all holidays with my family.
37. Love Rachel bonding with the sisters/female friends.
38. Dean’s sister saying she’s been weak destroyed me!
39. Oh, Dean – you’ve gotten deeper than this show or I know how to deal with.
40. “All he knew how to do was go out and make money.” – Patriarchal roles destroying families again.
41. Feel your feelings, Dean! You’re valid! But you will still probably lose this show, sorry.
42. Basking in the awkwardness of Rachel and Dean’s father’s conversation.
43. Dean’s father peaking through that window will feature in my nightmares tonight.
44. Bryan is clearly the worst. The other three are worlds above him. Bryan is Nick level terrible.
45. Okay, NTCAP Host is safe. Any word on Copper?
46. Is Bryan self-aware or full of shit? Anyone’s guess.
47. This is the first rose ceremony in my tenure where I actually have no idea. To all my gods, I hope it’s Bryan, but I’m sure it’s not.
48. Three of these men are in classic, perfect suits. One is dressed like a shitty waiter who doesn’t know how to use the crumb thingy to clean your tablecloth. You choose, Rach! (Bryan. Bryan is the shitty waiter.)
49. FUCK YOU, BRYAN! I’m broken inside.
50. If it’s Peter leaving, so help me god...
51. Oh thank god. Poor Dean. But also... oh, thank god.
52. Dean, you’re dangerously close to Nick “Why did you sleep with me” territory. Dial it back.
53. I will spend the next week figuring out how to break Bryan... and I will succeed.