This post is part of a series. Check out Allison's recap of Episode 9.
Guys… this is not gonna end how we want. That is, unless Jason the Newsie shows up at my door to sweep me away. Shit, I should put on a bra. In the meantime, let’s watch Becca pick a bigot to spend her life with.
1. NTCAP Host thinks this is going to make me cry. I will work as hard as possible to prove him wrong.
2. Come on, Becca’s family. Sniff out this twat-monster.
3. Ugh, GtB toasting the dead dad. We see through you!
4. We all have moms who have had cancer, GtB. God, you’re not special.
5. Destroy him, sister. God, my sister would obliterate him. Dump your sisters if they wouldn’t destroy trash men for you.
6. Wait, what is his wrist tattoo? It doesn’t matter. It looks enough like a Third Reich symbol to be problematic.
7. Becca’s dress is almost as ugly as GtB’s heart.
8. Oh poor, poor sweet Blake. Your gentle heart deserves better. Or are you an insane stalker? Jury’s still out.
9. Blake, I’m sorry it’s not clear. Are you nervous and excited? Or just nervous? Just excited?
10. Becca’s outfit is way better today. She dressed better for Blake, so obvi she should pick Blake.
11. “Blake would be more of a teammate.” Sister knows fucking best.
12. Aw, Becca’s mom mothering Blake. You will be fine. I’m mean, maybe you’ll go insane, but listen to Momma.
13. Wow, this family is PREPPING Blake for rejection.
14. WOW, Bald Uncle wanting to the tea on Garrett. He senses something! Listen to Bald Uncle!
15. Pretty amazing the producers put in a rain machine just to intensify this moment. These producers are the real stars.
16. I hope Constance Wu asks why there’s not better representation of Asians on this show/in film and TV always.
17. Oh, nevermind. Bald Uncle thinks GtB’s a poet. We’re breaking up.
18. My TV cut out. Did the sister say that her fiancé is her soulmate or that her sister is her soulmate? More sister soulmates, please. And I’m not just saying that because my sister is my soulmate and we’ve built a website based on that brand.
19. GtB thinks they may be doing something on the water because they’re near water. Is he in MENSA?
20. All the comments about how Becca and GtB are equals makes me think they are decidedly not.
21. Is he the dumbest sounding contestant in history? Can someone weigh in?
22. He knows she’d be an amazing wife and mother – the only measurement women deserve.
23. If a man touches me while I sleep, I assume he’s a serial killer.
24. This feels like a good time to ask about his politics and ethics, BECCA.
25. Becca can know her own worth, GtB. She doesn’t need you to show it to her.
26. Gonna be honest because I feel like we’ve reached that place as friends. I took the most satisfying poop after that GtB date, and it felt symbolic. Like cleansing him from my system.
27. Why is it always raining with Blake? Seems symbolic. Not as symbolic as my poop, but still…
28. This time capsule. Oh, Blake. I’m in pain for him. Not crying, though. You don’t win this round, NTCAP Host.
29. The only thing that got me close to crying was that sister letter. The sister, who clearly thinks that Becca should chose Blake.
30. Now we’ve hit the Neil Lane commercial portion of this nonsense.
31. This show just proves soulmates don’t exist. She could pick either one and live fine. Except one’s a bigot.
32. Did we not see Blake pick a ring? Are they just not even trying to build suspense?
33. Wow, Blake got out of that boat and… no one is shocked.
34. Do we think NTCAP Host gets off to sending hopeful men to their demise? I would.
35. Girl, don’t let him full propose just to dump him!!! That’s colder than I am!
36. Sucks to be this sweaty while you’re being dumped.
37. Tears or sweat? What is it, Blake?!
38. ATFR – Blake looks… waxy? You get some post breakup Botox, bud?
39. NTCAP Host just said a million things must be going through Blake’s mind, and I am SHOCKED he did not use that as an opportunity to promote #AMillionLittleThings
40. Wow, NTCAP Host pointing out how happy Becca is to Blake seems COLD.
41. How much time do they give her between breakup and proposal? If it takes one month for every year you’re with someone to get over them, then Becca should be over Blake in… 3 minutes.
42. God, I forgot how awful his minivan entrance was.
43. This whole finale feels very predictable.
44. Are they going to live in Minnesota or Bigot City?
45. NTCAP Host better ask him about those Insta-likes.
46. Maybe they’re equally inarticulate.
47. I have also cried into a quesadilla, but for very different reasons.
48. We not gonna talk about those insta likes?
49. Is this weekend getaway at the same house where Arie dumped her?
50. “We drink. We play games. We talk about our core belief system and the ethics we want to pass onto our children. and why what you put on the internet matters.”
51. What is with these two and groceries? It’s harder with two people. One person always slows the process down!
52. Yes, explain yourself, GtB. He stands behind his vanilla apology. But does he still believe children should be chucked over a wall or teenage victims of gun violence are worth mocking? (This recap does a great job of unpacking why Garrett's apology and Becca's complicity are troubling.)
53. NTCAP Host, can you ask him if he voted for Trump?
54. Yeah, he’s the victim for people saying negative things about him. Not the immigrant children in cages, victims of gun violence, or women fighting for equality… that makes sense.
55. They might come out to California for a couple years so they can both work on their fame.
56. Ugh, of course they’re getting their pets from a pet store.
57. Ugh, he got them a dumbass minivan.
58. Wow, I work right there. I could have tagged that minivan so easily.
59. See you babes in Paradise! We’ll be on that live tweet!