This post is part of a series. Check out Allison's recap of Episode 8.
Fantasy Suites: I would want to be the Bachelorette to get to Fantasy Suites so I could use them and lose them, breaking hearts. I hope Becca takes after me. She won’t though, she basic.
1. I pick the elephant. The elephant gets my rose.
2. Can’t wait to see how these white people bastardize this culture.
3. Becca says she's in love with two men and falling in love with one. Well, “Falling in Love” is going home.
4. Oh no, Jason is going home. She totally gave it away. Do I even have to watch the rest?
5. Jason, CALL ME!
6. Does that dog get a rose?
7. “There’s something so old and cultural about interacting with a monk.” I’m not drunk enough to try to unpack all of that.
8. I’ve never seen two people more uncomfortable than Becca and Blake except for these two monks.
9. These two are READY for fantasy suites.
10. The problem with Blake is this spin out. You gotta play it cool, man. Women all over America are re-snapping their bras.
11. Blake and I both sweat profusely in our upper lips. Are we meant for each other?
12. Becca is either one of those girls who “doesn’t sweat,” or the makeup department is really taking care of her.
13. Yeah, Blake jinxes are real.
14. Blake looks for a reason to stay? Does he look for lines to steal from romcoms?
15. It never gets less creepy that NTCAP Host invites them to do it.
16. I swear her hair just went from wavy to straight in that testimonial.
17. How do the camera people enter the morning after? Like what’s the etiquette about that?
18. At least Blake acknowledges his sweating.
19. Blake says he doesn’t get nervous. I don’t know, Blake. You seem like a nervous guy.
20. How early did Becca wake up to put on a full set of lashes and a perfect hot pink lip.
21. Lucky for Becca, her final gentlemen will be two very similar people.
22. Gotta hand it to her, she’s rocking a Daisy Duke Canadian Tuxedo.
23. Does Becca not know how to use chopsticks?
24. Woof, oh no. Panic attack, Becca.
25. Jason understands that it’s different for men and women because he gets gender disparity, and her choices are bonkers.
26. Can I take the Fantasy Suite with Jason she’s not? Is there a transfer option?
27. Grasping at those straws, Newsie.
28. Oh, Jason. Let yourself be let down easy. Don’t drag this out.
29. Phew, he ended classy.
30. Most awkward breakup ever?
31. Did they even get to eat dinner?
32. Fantasy Suite to Nightmare Suite, amirite?
33. She’s dated terrible people in the past, and she’s going to end up with a terrible person.
34. Ugh, speaking of her terrible person… enter Garrett the Bigot.
35. GtB can’t find his calling in Thailand, not enough white people around.
36. Ugh, the way their feet were intertwined is truly the stuff of nightmares.
37. Becca, we do not need river rafting/relationship metaphors.
38. GtB says he is not someone to speak on something and then take it back, he wants to make sure it’s right. But, he doesn't feel the same way about his Instagram likes?
39. I wonder if I’ve ever been less attracted to a man than I am to GtB? Oh, right…
40. Don’t want to be a conspiracy theorist, but GtB reading this card sounds like maybe… I mean… Does Garrett know how to read?
41. I see my heart’s equal? What does that even mean?
42. Jason returns?
43. I go on Bumble every time Jason appears on screen. Why won’t he magically appear on my Bumble?
44. You’re right, Becca. The world needs more Jasons. And less Garretts.
45. Sweat is just pouring through the front of Blake’s shirt.
46. Rose ceremonies are dull when you know they’re both getting roses.
47. Oooo, GtB toasting with a little “who’s is bigger” aspect.
48. I could watch two hours of Blake trying to hold in his pee.