39 Thoughts I Had While Watching The Bachelorette: Becca - Episode 5

This is coming out a day late because I was at a wedding on Monday watching ACTUAL true love thrive. Look the wedding was good, my friends looked beautiful and I definitely drank too much but was there a pompous male model? No. A man in a chicken suit? Definitely not. Excessive drinking until fights broke out? Okay, I may have had a hand in that last one. Regardless, let’s get back to some manufactured drama. 

1.      I trust none of these men in Vegas.

2.      I’m working through a lot of self-anger and self-doubt stemming from how attracted to Blake I am.

3.      Vegas in the daytime is as rough as Chicken’s face right now. (Sorry, Chicken)


4.      Colton said he was going to get ready… he’s just in a different t-shirt. Is it even a different t-shirt? Fuck Colton, put in some effort.

5.      They’re really trying to work in a camel metaphor. That last shot of camel ass and they walk away seems appropriate.

6.      How dare Colton come for American Treasure and Sexual Assault Survivor Hero, Aly Raisman?! If she dumped him, he’s not worth shit.


7.      When I get bored watching this, I think about Grocery Store Joe and how horribly he was treated.

8.      Way to use the Vegas Strip to create a great image with this man she will ultimately reject, Producers.

9.      Wayne Newton def gets a rose.


10.  Wayne’s mouth can no longer move as he tries to sing to his wife? Daughter? I’m afraid to research it.

11.  This is the second time this season we've written songs. Dear Producers, what’s with the repeating of dates? A year with this many problematic men is not the year to reign it in.

12.  The secondary humiliation I’m experiencing watching these men singing is enough to power a private plane to get Grocery Story Joe back.

13.  In the point system she’s definitely using to judge this, she should deduct a point any time anyone uses Arie’s name.

14.  Based on the date card, I hope Male Model is going to burn.

15.  Because Male Model is definitely leaving tonight, they’re doing a good job of making Florida Chris a good villain replacement.


16.  Blake’s such a cutie and he’s making the irritating men angry. If he is the next bachelor, he will be the first one that I’ve actually found appealing.

17.  Florida Chris, you should be embarrassed.

18.  It’s cute how they pretend Becca choses who go on the 2-on-1’s like it’s not always the two people who hate each other.


19.  “She looks like a snack.” I hope a snake kills Male Model.

20.  The Chicken couldn’t feel better about making Becca feel shitty. Yes, Male Model is trash, but Chicken brought that up, made her feel bad, just to get the upper hand. The men on these shows are the literal worst.

21.  There’s no doubt I’m a terrible person, but I don’t believe Male Model’s whole story of a childhood of poverty and a sick mother. Do your thing, Internet – find out his real story.


22.  Male Model knows he doesn’t have a chance, right? Like he knows he’s playing a character for screen time, or does this bozo actually think he’s coming off as honest?

23.  This chach thinks the most hurtful thing someone can say to a woman is that they would settle for her. Like Male Model knows the word cunt exists, right? Of course he does. I’m sure he’s used it around many women.

24.  Kick them both off. Leave them both to die in the desert.


25.  Becca’s a real champ. I cannot listen to this man talk about the modeling world and how Zoolander is accurate.

26.  “I wish we could get my portfolio out” is never a sentence you should say on a date. Let him roll, Becca.

27.  My secondary humiliation could solve the world’s energy crisis.

28.  Did she say she never met anyone like him? Is that always a compliment?

29.  “Tomorrow I’ll wake up alone, just like I always do” I’d feel bad if he weren’t such a prick.

30.  The guys cheering for him leaving is a great proof of concept for Boyz Houze. Andy Cohen,


31.  Florida Chris is fragile AF.

32.  Be careful talking about people’s true colors Garrett the Bigot.

33.  No one ever owes you kisses, Florida Chris.

34.  Bro, she doesn’t want to talk to you. Look at Wills, checking in with what Becca wants. 10 points, Wills.


35.  What is with Becca telling men to leave her alone and them not listening? Oh, it’s not Becca? Men disregard women’s wants for their own desires? Got it got it got it.


36.  The only part of this conversation I’m interested in is Wills amazing plaid suit.

37.  Bahaha, Florida Chris thinks Becca losing him is the most devastating thing that could happen to her.

38.  Newsie’s had like no time this week. Seize the day, man.


39.  Poor guy whose name I keep forgetting. John… thank you, NTCAP Host.