This recap is part of Allison's Bachelorette recap series. Check out her recap for Episode 5.
We’ve had a week off so I’ve full forgotten about two of these men. I feel like these are two randos who have skated by and even they are confused about why they’re here. Let’s be honest, I’m really just here to root for Peter and shame Bryan for his too wet kissing.
1. Do they explain why they travel so much? You can’t truly know someone until you travel with them and five other potential suitors?
2. Eric and Bryan just jumped in that bed together. Honestly, I would love it if two of the guys found love with each other.
3. This guy in the jean jacket – dude, we’ve barely met you. We’re not ready to meet your family.
4. Matt, is name is Matt. I re-learn and re-forget his name each week.
5. Ugh, buckle up for more messy Bryan kissing.
6. Love that the guys are clearly waiting for Bryan to leave to talk shit about him. Game recognize game.
7. Bryan just #blessed. Just when I thought he couldn’t get worse.
8. I mean, is an outing even considered a date without a trip to the watch store?
9. Can someone update us on where Copper is? Is he okay? Alive? How’s his leg?
10. Rachel is treating him or the show is treating both of them to expensive watches?
11. I think I’d need to be in a relationship for at least 2 and a half decades before committing to buying romantic watches.
12. It’s frustrating that Rachel isn’t listening to my concerns about Bryan. Even your closest friends can grind your gears.
13. I like that the two randos are bonding over their rando status.
14. I would like Peter and Dean to have some sort of buddy comedy show where they fight for my honor.
15. I hope the Phantom of the Opera comes out and attacks Bryan on this date.
16. Bryan: “I grew up in a loving home.” Stop bragging, Bryan.
17. I went to a really small co-ed private school too, Rachel! Are we best friends now or yes?
18. EW, BRYAN. “I want to picture you in a school girl outfit.” GO HOME, BRYAN!
19. Passion runs out, Bryan. Just like the warranty on your cheek implants.
20. Trying to think of a less romantic place than Catholic mass. Maybe prison? Nope, Catholic mass is a bigger boner killer.
21. Stop being vague, Dean. Let us in on your dramz, bro.
22. How quickly do these guys establish a new masturbation corner in each hotel?
23. Oh no, Dean still believes in the tooth fairy. It’s fair. He’ll grow out of it.
24. What’s your favorite dinosaur is an important relationship question. Because the correct answer is triceratops and there’s no room for discussion.
25. They’re not even focusing on the fact that this Matt guy hasn’t gotten a one-on-one. Doll Guy keeps complaining and Matt’s just like, “I’m just happy to be here!”
26. Rachel, clear something up for me? Are you looking for a husband?
27. Dean with the emotions and vulnerability...
28. So I get that Dean is like thirteen years old... but I still trust him more than Bryan... and he wears a sweater so so well.
29. Worried about Peter’s lack of outwear.
30. Copper better be one of these sled dogs...
31. The cold air is doing wonders for Peter’s salt and pepper locks.
32. Is Peter drinking pop out of a wine glass? Peter, you’re in first place, don’t wreck it.
33. Wow, ABC you really fooled us with the “Peter wants to leave. He made Rachel cry” promos.
34. Rachel, it’s me. Your best friend. Would you rather have Peter be honest with you, or Bryan feed you a bunch of BS he learned from a low-budget rom/com porno?
35. Is rom/com a porn genre? It should be.
36. Do they eat on these dates or just talk about hopes and fears? A date is not a date without food.
37. I would say it’s obvious that she’s going to pick Eric and send the other two home, but honestly don’t know how these two are still here so what do I even know?
38. Really Doll Guy, you’re relationship is stronger than anyone else? No one even knows your name.
39. Are these men also working on a peacoat modeling contract?
40. Doll Guy is a wordsmith. “It can be challenging but it’s not difficult.” Go home, brah. This is nonsense. We’re done.
41. Eric has worked the hardest for this. He’s really grown on me. And not in the way I think Bryan has communicable diseases growing on him.
42. Eric for Bachelor. Or Dean. Or Dean and Eric in a co-Bachelor type situation where they fall in love with each other at the end.
43. Been staring at the screen this entire Matt conversation and I could not tell you what he said, but suddenly Rachel is crying.
44. Is she saying if they had time to really get to know each other they could fall in love but since they’re on a reality show they can’t? It’s almost like falling in love on a reality show is not the most authentic way to do it.
45. Doll Guy, you’re too confident for someone who’s name I don’t care to learn and who brought a DOLL VERSION OF HIMSELF TO THE SHOW!
46. Rachel is like, “No, Eric. That’s important information for me to know!”
47. This house looks like someone is about to be murdered and everyone inside is a suspect and Mrs. Peacock totally did it.
48. Neither of these men are winning in the end so this tension is thin.
49. Take the doll with you when you go, DOLL GUY!
50. Gotta love a guy (Adam, I guess?) who says the woman made a mistake breaking up with them. Douche can’t just accept that she doesn’t have feelings for him. Matt left classy. Doll Guy left like a guy who brought a doll to a dating reality show.
51. Rachel’s rings get bigger every week. Like that ring is eating the cast off men to make itself stronger.
52. These scenes from the next – Dean’s dad is appropriating cultures, Bryan’s own family is turning on him and Rachel is walking through this vineyard in a pink dress like she’s about to drop her music video. The best is yet to come.
53. They threw away a Copper mention in this outtake at the end. Copper deserves better.