56 Thoughts I Had While Watching "The Bachelorette" for the First Time - Episode 3
Week three! Rachel has already realized that she is waaaaay too good for DeMario, now let’s see her kick his ass to the curb once and for all. Here’s hoping she realizes the same about at least 90% of these guys soon. Looking at you, Whaboom. Let’s go...
1. DeMario’s TV hungry girlfriend had a scrunchie on her wrist the whole time and I didn’t notice.
2. I kind of hope Rachel finds love with one of these security guards. That would make for a fascinating twist.
3. Stop quoting things, DeMario. Or at least cite your sources!
4. Oh, well if your driver told you to do it!
5. Rachel breaks up with men with such poise and class. I should probably stop ghosting in her honor.
6. Notice she says, “Some amazing men left here.” Not "all."
7. I hope a few of these guys find love with each other. I’m here for the shocking twists.
8. No, Tickle Monster. No props! Especially giant, creepy hands.
9. If he’s playing a rubix cube while you’re trying to have a conversation, he’s not paying attention to you!
10. Kenny the single dad is cute and all, but would a single mom be as well received on TV? No, people would ask how she could leave her kid.
11. Wait. Wait. WAIT! First, Whaboom is accusing Blake of standing over his bed, watching him sleep while eating a banana? Second, seems kind of quick to jump to the “make him sound gay” defense, and third, Whaboom has clearly never met a gay man.
12. Blake's reason it isn’t true is that he doesn’t eat carbs! I genuinely don’t know which one of these men I hope chokes on banana sooner.
13. Neither Blake nor Whaboom are cute enough to pull off this horseshit. Get rid of them both and let Tickle Monster bring the weirdness for a while.
14. Whaboom is hammered in these talking heads. If I were him, I’d be hammered always.
15. Kenny, you get one name related pun a season. You have just used yours.
16. If giving Whaboom a rose means parts of Blake die, then I’m here for that.
17. Forgot about Diggy until right now, but he deeply deserves that rose.
18. I trust Rachel more than almost anyone in my life.
19. Blake and Whaboom’s feud was lame. Ladies, show them how it’s done.
20. Iggy has my cat’s name, and they’re both chubby in a cute way. I wonder if human Iggy also bites when he wants attention.
21. I know she won’t, but I really wish Ellen tears these guys apart.
22. I DON’T LIKE THE TICKLER EITHER, ELLEN. Yes. She heard my prayer.
23. Don’t think I’ve noticed Will very much before this point. He’s real cute. Calling dibs if Rachel cuts him.
24. Tickle Monster and Brian should stop embarrassing themselves in front of Ellen.
25. Not happy with Alex’s dance moves or his pants.
26. I AM happy with Peter’s tattoos.
27. I want to professionally grill these men on the Ellen show. Where is that application?
28. Rachel, let’s lay off Fred’s mischievous childhood behavior. Unless he like murdered squirrels I think he deserves a second chance.
29. Is left eye to left eye a thing? Or is Alex full of shit? Someone report back.
30. I really want to like Fred but I am just not feeling the chemistry and... oh my god, am I starting to take this shit seriously?! I’m going to take a break and reevaluate my life.
31. Nothing worse than being dumped then being stuck in an elevator with your dumper and the rose they aren’t giving you.
32. Fred said he was still on the quest for love like he is really vying to be the next Bachelor.
33. BRB, looking into if you can actually ride a horse down Rodeo drive.
34. Sorry Anthony, but there are, in fact, horses in Chicago.
35. Okay, I know you can’t ride a horse into a store on Rodeo drive. I learned that from Julia Roberts.
36. I see you Anthony in a cowboy hat.
37. Not so much in that letterman jacket.
38. Some poor production assistant has to clean that horseshit up.
39. I trust no one who describes their childhood as “perfect.” Stop bragging.
40. Eric needs a Xanax.
41. I wonder if they’ve established a masturbation corner of the house, or if they just use Whaboom’s empty bed.
42. Can’t wait to see these women destroy these men.
43. Do we think Corinne and Rachel are really friends or are we just trying to get the drama when Corinne inevitably hooks up with one of these dudes?
44. Get that dirt, Raven.
45. Never leave us, Sharky. Stay forever.
46. I’m starting to think this entire season was designed to covertly prove that white men are the weakest breed of human. If yes, it’s working.
47. Kenny needs to destroy Lee for the good of America.
48. I’m pitching a show where Sharky, Rachel and Raven roadtrip across the US, destroying men. Monetary offers can be DM’d.
49. Just because I’m here to call out all sexism: If a female Bachelor contestant admitted to being a former stripper, she would be dragged as trashy. In men it’s considered something charming, cute and funny.
50. Eric’s too intense and also his scarf is tied weirdly.
51. Kenny and the guy that smiles a lot were out of that awkward conversation faster than the internet unearthing Lee’s racist, sexist tweets.
52. Lee's eyes are getting scary wide while he is talking to the camera.
53. I feel like these men tattle on each other to Rachel like she’s their mom. This proves my theory that men want all women to fill a maternal void in their life. Am I a secret philosophy genius?
54. Over these catty, dude feuds. Let’s jump ahead to the point where it’s just Peter, Diggy and Kenny vying for her heart.
55. Tired of Eric yelling and Lee being a condescending dick. Need to know where Rachel got that coat.
56. Okay, Booger Roll. Get out of here.