43 Thoughts I Had While Watching "The Bachelorette" for the First Time - Episode 5 Part 2

This recap is part of Allison's Bachelorette recap series. Check out her recap for Episode 5 Part 1.

Who else is sick of this Kenny/Lee drama and just ready for two hours of shirtless Peter?

1.     I want to start dating in 2-on-1 situations.  Is there an app for that?

2.     Do they forget their whole existence is taped? You can’t lie to the cameras, Lee!

3.     Wow, Kenny.  I know Lee sucks, but did he lie to Rachel and also dishonor your family’s name? This reaction is intense.

4.     Rach, where’d you get that coat?

5.     Ew, don’t call her sweetheart, Lee.

6.     Kenny, he’s gone.  Let it go. Focus on Rachel. Ugh, men are stupid and petty.

7.     And Lee dies alone in the wilderness.  Maybe he and Taylor will find each other in the woods and she can teach him about emotional intelligence.

8.     What filter does Bryan have on his face right now that he looks cute?  Oh, facial hair.

9.     That’s a good sweater, Kenny. Straight, male readers that aren’t my dad (all 1 of you... maybe?) the way to a woman’s heart is a jewel toned, well-fitted sweater.

10. How could Kenny even think of leaving his daughter?  Doesn’t he care about parenting?! (I don’t actually believe this, but if he were a woman, this is all people would write, so I felt like someone should say it.) Carry on. I trust your parenting decisions and don’t feel comfortable judging them as an outsider who ate spaghetti sauce out of a can with a spoon for dinner.

11. Now that Lee’s gone, I think I will aim all my annoyance at Josiah.

12. Peter is wearing a plaid scarf.  Be still my heart.

13. I keep forgetting Eric is a person.

14. Also this guy whose name is Matt, I guess?  Who even are you?

15. Really?! Doll guy?! OVER THE HANDSOME BALD ONE?!

16. I forgot Will already had a rose and got very nervous.

17. WHHHHAAAAA.  Rachel, listen to your best friend/spiritual adviser (me).  WHO IS MATT?! Now that Josiah and Lee are gone: he’s the target of all my annoyance.

18. I have to agree with Josiah on the doll thing, although I’m annoyed with his, “she didn’t pick me so something’s wrong with her” attitude.  Who are you? My 8th grade boyfriend? Full disclosure: My 8th grade boyfriend was a pillow with a picture of Justin Timberlake’s face taped to it... He dumped me for my Shania Twain Barbie.

19. Rachel casually cruising through Denmark on a bike is who I pretend to be on Instagram.  For who I actually am, see item #10.

20. Love that we’re celebrating “Hamlet” and not “Romeo and Juliet”.  We all know life is really about throne usurping, deception, exile, and women being made to feel they’re crazy when they actually are the most together of all the characters, but are ultimately driven to kill themselves.  RIP Ophelia.

21. Shoot, I was trying to hate Eric but he’s being goofy and funny and wearing that scarf in a VV appealing way.

22. Why are they letting those burgers get cold? Take a bite!

23. Eric may be the first contestant on this show to ever get me to change my mind in a positive way.  This is a weird feeling.

24. Are these Viking soldiers in the midst?  I’d give them roses.

25. Remember how they made it seem like Lee punched Kenny and really he’s just going to get jabbed with a Viking sword?

26. Group dates are so degrading to these men.

27. These people’s livers must be absolutely destroyed after this.

28. Bryan is the poor man’s Peter. 

29. Okay, let’s keep it 100.  Rachel’s eyelashes get more intense each week.

30. Aw, Kenny.  NO, I will not cry while watching “The Bachelorette.” That is where I draw the line!  BRB, calling my dad.

31. If she gives the rose to Bryan, I really will cry.

32. I need to brush up on my geography.  How are we already in Sweden?

33. Is this old Swedish couple going to give them relationship advice?! Whatever producer orchestrated that should get a rose.

34. Shots every time anyone says, “real life fairy tale.”

35. This episode is going to turn me pro-Eric and anti-Will. I don’t even trust myself anymore.

36. Oh, Will.  I had such high hopes.  But you’re boring my girl, so you gots to go.

37. If I had a Bachelorette Bracket (which I just realized was a thing in the last 20 minutes) it would really be blown up tonight.  RIP Kenny, Josiah, Will.

38. Let’s say goodbye to Adam with the creepy doll and Matt who I’m convinced just showed up.

39. Feeling real defensive of NTCAP Host calling her “Rach.”  That's our thing.

40. Loving Rachel repping for the women who don’t like to show emotion.  We deserve TV time too!

41. Okay, I’m sorry.  Someone tell me what Matt’s thing is and who he was before this week?

42. NTCAP Host is upping his tie game this season.

43. Bye Alex/Jake Gyllenhaal.  How is the doll still here? Rach, we talked about this.

Bye, Snakey’s!