45 Thoughts I Had While Watching "The Bachelorette" for the First Time - Episode 5 Part 1

This recap is part of Allison's Bachelorette recap series. Check out her recap for Episode 4.

This is a two-parter, so we should dive right in. Honestly, I’m just here to see Will do attractive things.  Gap-toothed Peter and Fetus Dean can join if they want.  Also because my sister is using Rachel as inspo for her wedding makeup, so I need to take notes.  Lee’s got to go.

1.     Ugh, go away Boring Bryan.  No one believes anything you say and your ears are weird.

2.     Who designs Rachel’s rings? They should get a group date rose.

3.     Who’s the costume designer who put Lee and Kenny in competing plaids?  They should get a rose too.

4.     “Bye, Snakey” is my new sendoff.

5.     Snakey and Sharky could hook up if I thought he was at all good enough for her.

6.     These men are petty as shit, but can we talk about how ugly that blue and yellow checkered couch is?

7.     Damn, “Shuckin and Shaggin” was going to be the name of my oyster sex club. Now Rachel and Jack have ruined it.

8.     This date is so uncomfortable. For Rachel and for us.

9.     Lee just used the phrase “race card.” AUTOMATIC EXPULSION.

10. Lee, maybe you don’t understand Kenny’s view on the world because you’ve existed in the world as a white man?  IDK, just a thought.  I could be wrong. 

11. Jack, I feel like you’re lying.  No one feels anything watching this date.  Well, that’s not true.  I feel like I want pie.

12. Jack tilting his head, holding eye contact and smiling is giving me flashbacks to a traumatizing experience I haven’t even gone through yet. 

13. Rachel is sooooo not feeling this date.  Get out, girl.  The minute he started analyzing your father’s sense of humor I knew we were done with him.  (Rachel and I are now making these decisions as a team.)

14. Off to Paradise for you, Jack.  Stay safe.

15. I hate snakes.  I also hate racists.  Can you guess how I feel about Lee?

16. HOW IS THE DOLL GUY STILL HERE?! I don’t even want to bother remembering that his name is Adam.  Other than bringing a doll into this house, what has he done?

17. A ballerina on steroids could end you, Lee.  Also Lee just confirmed that “I’ll pray for you” is a crazy condescending phrase.  I’m on to you, Grandma!

18. Kenny stop baiting Lee.  Rise above.

19. Where has NTCAP Host even been this episode?  Piecing together that mosaic tie, I guess.

20. Bye, Tickle Monster. Bye, Human Iggy.  My cat mourns your departure, but he’s the only one.

21. I had LITERALLY just stated that I felt bad for Tickle Monster and then he made tickle hands for the camera.  Men always let you down.

22. You know Dean is a child because he’s wearing a fashionably pre-holed t-shirt.  I think those are legally banned after 23.

23. Dean’s shading Bryan and I’m inclined to agree because Bryan is the worst.  Charm creeps me out.  As does aggressive botox.

24. How can you makeout while having a sky-high anxiety attack? How does Bryan make such aggressive kissing sounds? How has Rachel not cut his rope yet?

25. Bryan bores me, Rachel.  As your sidekick in this journey, I say dump him.

26. Bryan gets ten points deducted for being the first to say he was falling in love with her. Because of course he is.

27. Every time Bryan’s tongue attacks Rachel’s face a part of me truly dies.

28. How many stock shots of birds flying across landscapes do the producers have on file? 35? 40? 75?

29. Did Alex (who looks like Jake Gyllenhaal) get blown by the wind? What’s going on with his hair?

30. Really appreciate objectifying these men in these tight outfits.  This is feminism at work.

31. What is the purpose of these kids on the sidelines? Why is Dean wearing a jockstrap on the outside? WHAT IS HAPPENING?

32. How do I get Will and Peter to compete for my honor?

33. God I hope that weight falls on Lee. 

34. Will and Peter are the only normal kissers so far.

35. Who’s this guy who embroidered song lyrics?  Is he new?

36. Josiah is coming on too strong, and Rachel is calling him out!  Ask her questions, Josiah.  Literally she just told you to ask her questions.  He’s not the one for us, Rachel.

37. There’s only so far you can go with the snake metaphor, Kenny.  It’s time to move on.

38. Peter and Rachel need to be careful around those champagne glasses.  Glass near a hottub is dangerous, in my experience.

39. Will vs. Peter at the end.  I will take the castoff.  I’m fine with either.

40. “The 2 on 1 today is about the producers wanting to pit Kenny and Lee against each other.” – What Rachel really means.

41. Rachel is leaving one of these men in the wilderness. (Let it be Lee.) 

42. Why is Rachel in a full parka and these guys are in light sweatshirts?

43. Lee and Kenny stop talking shit about each other you, crybabies.

44. Whoa, Lee.  Talking about Kenny’s drinking and his dark side.  You’re a shady MOFO.

45. By “I have to think about some stuff,” Rachel means she has to go check with the producers to see if there’s any footage of Kenny being violent.

Until Part 2, Snakey’s!