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55 Thoughts I Had While Watching "The Bachelorette" for the First Time - Episode 4

55 Thoughts I Had While Watching "The Bachelorette" for the First Time - Episode 4

This recap is part of Allison's Bachelorette recap series. Check out her recap for Episode 3.

Since we’ve had an extra week to dig into the BIP incident, I almost forgot about probably racist Lee. Turns out my thirst for petty drama needs weekly quenching, and I'm parched dry now. Let's dive right back in. 

1.     Ten points for Lee for being the first to say, “I didn’t come here to make friends.”  I guess he wasn’t satisfied only being a hick stereotype, he also wanted to be a reality show stereotype. Also by ten points I mean: "You're a racist. Go home."

2.     Kenny mugging for the camera is adorable.  He’s our own personal Jim Halpert.

3.     LEE IS KIND OF A BITCH, DEAN.  You are right.  If only you weren’t 15.

4.     Lee pulled the grandpa cancer card and then carved a word into a shitty 2x4.

5.     Okay one of these three guys, the one who isn’t Dean (who is very diplomatically and accurately accusing Lee of racism ATM), was in Sharky’s BIP airport Instagrams, so we know he doesn’t win.

6.     Bryan the carved-faced chiropractor is boring, no?

7.     Too charming = schmarmy and schmarmy men are creepy. Ergo, Bryan is creepy.

8.     Gentlemen, know enough to take your fights out of earshot of Rachel.

9.     Could not even tell you what Peter is saying.  His perfect salt and pepper hair is too distracting.

10. WE SUPPORT YOU RACHEL!  Also, congrats on really nailing the classy “pat my face to stop my tears to show off my rings/manicure.” It’s a skill we all aspire to, and you’ve really nailed it. (If I can't make manicure puns, why am I even here?)

11.  NTCAP Host telling Rachel “I can facilitate anything” is the most honest sentence this man has ever said.

12. No matter what, Diggy wins best dressed.  Hands down.

13. Keeping Lee for the dramz, obs.  But I will miss Diggy.  Also, Diggy, I’m single.

14. I want to be the Bachelorette just for the travel.  NTCAP Host, send me to Hilton Head.  I don’t even need you to send the dudes with me.

15. Dean’s more than just a smiley guy.  He’s a smiley teenager.

16. Okay Eric, we get it. You want a one-on-one date. Talk more about that. We're definitely not tired of hearing about it.

17. I know all champagne bottles anywhere, and they are definitely cutting costs with that Barefoot.

18. This date is sponsored by Barefoot Wine and Good Year.

19. Okay, despite the fact that Dean’s face suggests he just completed the second grade, this date is pretty cute.

20. It’s pretty catty of Good Year to fly that blimp past the guys, shoving this date in their face. I’ve never respected Good Year more.

21. Schmarmy Bryan – do not talk about a woman’s age with your schmarminess.

22. Dean: “I’m still growing up.  Confession, I’m 14 and a half.”  Rachel: “I don’t care.  It’s about our connection.”

23. Lee, Dean is giving a great example of how you play the cancer card.

24. I'm sorry for your loss, Young Dean. And for making fun of your fetus face. 

25. Rachel back with that A+ tear patting game.  Whoever provided the rings for this episode is getting their advertisings worth.

26. I wonder what band I’ve never heard of is playing?   Ah, yes.  Russell McBroCountry. 

27. Dean: “I never expected to develop feelings for Rachel.”  Did you think this was "The Amazing Race"?

28. I need to spend the rest of this hour figuring out how I feel about Josiah’s capri pants.

29. Wearing a man ponytail should result in immediate expulsion.

30. Tickle Monster has not said one word this whole episode, and we're all better for it.

31. Big deal, Josiah, I can do that with my tits too.

32. I’ve had the fantasy where I wear a captain’s hat and force men to prove themselves to me.

33. Hey ABC, can we get a recipe for that cocktail please?

34. Peter, you are one of my favorites.  But you need to stop rapping before I turn on you.

35. I don’t feel like I know anything about this Alex clown.  Was he the one with the doll? This has gone too far.

36. My cat, Iggy could spell these words. Let’s get difficult.

37. Will reads six book a day? He keeps getting better.

38. What word is Peter spelling? Quicksand? The hottest ones always disappoint you the most.

39. The varying level of difficulty on these words is bananas unfair.

40. I'm Team Will – “physiological” is hard when someone else got “stunning,” and Josiah is holding that mic too tightly.

41. Okay, Josiah.  Take five.

42. That trophy is definitely not made out of all gold if they’re using their champagne budget on Barefoot.

43. Josiah – group date rose does not equal final two.  You’re skipping some crucial steps.

44. Barefoot or socks in the house is a PHENOMENAL date question.  You’re back on top, Peter.  Well done.

45. Eric and Rachel have zero chemistry. This is the most awkward kiss I’ve ever witnessed and I was the girl at parties in high school who sat in the corner and watched everyone to make sure no one died of alcohol poisoningAnd everyone in my high school was a terrible kisser.

46. Josiah’s most relatable moment was wiping the alcohol off his pants and now Human Iggy’s going to go make a stink about it.

47. Human Iggy, another common way to cover up your own insecurities is to shit on other people.  I should know – I’m doing it right now.

48. Cat Iggy is a gossip queen, so it’s not surprising that Human Iggy is too.

49. Josiah jumped right to “He does drugs. He shoots steroids into his dick.” Maybe stop drinking out of that plastic trophy.

50. “Don’t say yes ma’am.” Every time Rachel exerts her power and tells men how to treat her with no shred of self-consciousness about it, a feminist angel gets her wings.

51. “I’m going to find joy in crumbling Kenny’s world.” Is Lee a sociopath? An Investigation.

52. Whoa, Kenny.  The rap is cute and I love shading Nick more than almost anything, but curb that marriage talk.  I’m having a panic attack.

53. Lee pulling that hair out of the air was frightening and I have concluded my investigation, and yes he’s a sociopath.

54. “Alternative facts piece of garbage” is a fantastic insult for someone like Lee.

55. Will saying he’s not getting involved in the Lee/Kenny scuffle, but then wanting to go watch is further proof we are soul mates.

43 Thoughts I Had While Watching "The Bachelorette" for the First Time - Episode 5 Part 2

43 Thoughts I Had While Watching "The Bachelorette" for the First Time - Episode 5 Part 2

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