Sorry this is a day late, guys. Memorial Day threw me off. I was so busy sprawled out on my couch, scrolling through my Instagram feed filled with people pretending they know how to boat and BBQ, I forgot about Rachel. If only I could have forgotten about Whaboom...
1. The dog sits with her while she does her hair. He’s the only man that’s proved he deserves her thus far.
2. Wait... why is the dog in a cast?! Someone help the dog!
3. What I’ve learned about the beginning of these seasons is there are some contestants I truly believe I have never seen before. Like did they recast generic brown haired dudes who tested poorly?
4. Fuck, I forgot about the Tickle Monster. I need that explained or at least to see his arrest report.
5. Aspiring Drummer – Yes, Lucas is here to be on television. But your career is literally asking for a breakout.
6. Okay, here’s my tangent. The Bacehlors don’t make their ladies prove they would make good mothers. It’s assumed. Women are assumed to be good caretakers, and men are assumed to know nothing. It’s sexist AF. I expected better from you, Ashton Kutcher!
7. JK, I expect nothing from Ashton Kutcher.
8. That dead doll in the pool is a dark ass image.
9. This southern aspiring singer-songwriter is another one looking to kickstart his career. He and the drummer should hook up.
10. The hair in the drain is too far.
11. Did Mila Kunis just tell Ashton he’s getting a blow job tonight? Okay cool, I was just checking.
12. Iggy: “I poop everyday.” Honestly, regularity in a man is an important trait. Point: Iggy.
13. Whaboom just gave his baby shaken baby syndrome. Then he drowned it to hide the crime.
14. I’m actually pretty excited to see Whaboom’s slow mental breakdown over the course of this season.
15. Aspiring Drummer, Whaboom is the worst, but you need to chill. And stop petting that fake baby.
16. I love that Ashton Kutcher hates the Whaboom sound. Props to this episode for flipping my opinion of Ashton Kutcher. I’m pro-Kutcher now.
17. Give us details of Summer Camp kid’s antics please!
18. This guy is tilting his head too aggressively.
19. Don’t remember Peter, but he is deeply handsome. A total Kutcher.
20. Drummer: “I didn’t want to get into this....” Smell that boiling bullshit.
21. Whaboom and Drummer are both the worst. Definitely not Kutchers. They’re not even Topher Graces.
22. What’s with the mannequins? The doll theme of this season is unsettling.
23. Nice move casually placing your hand on her knee, Young Dean.
24. “The only leg that I have to stand on is my two legs.” Come on, Whaboom. You’re going to need to be quippier if you’re trying to kickstart your TV career.
25. Aw, poor Kenny. He’s so sad Dean’s got that rose. Don’t worry, Ken. You’re a total frontrunner.
26. I’ve never thought about how awkward the chit chat leading up to a kiss is. Not trying to shade Young Dean. It’s a universally awkward chit-chat moment.
27. Is anyone else really concerned they forgot about the crippled dog?
28. Josiah, it’s kill or be killed, not kill or be eaten. Cannibalism isn’t cute, boo.
29. Is it a real private jet or like a Bow Wow private jet?
30. YES THE DOG IS OKAY! Oh, I’m so relieved. Copper is all that matters.
31. This has given me the license I needed to take my cat on every date I go on.
32. Bark Fest is my dream vacation.
33. Did they waterproof Copper’s cast? Will all my points from here on out be Copper based?
34. Peter just lifted Copper up so he could partake in the dance party. Well played, Peter. Well fucking played.
35. Too soon to talk about children, Peter. Even if it is to talk about how cute they’ll be with gap teeth.
36. No one’s ever asked me how I’m still single because it’s obviously my negative, pessimistic attitude.
37. Peter and Rachel openly talking about therapy just destroying all stigmas. Beautiful people need emotional support too!
38. Still need someone to tell me what happened to Copper’s leg.
39. We get it, Rachel. You’re sporty.
40. Never seen this man with the man-ponytail before.
41. The celeb guests this season are fire. Put them to the test, KAJ.
42. That fucking doll. If this is a season long runner, I may have to be out.
43. I aspire to the cool, judginess of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
44. These producers are shady shady shady and I’m here for it.
45. “Ohhh—who’s this?” That was poorly played, DeMario. Be a better liar if you’re going to be one.
46. Claiming a woman is psycho is not going to help, DeMario.
47. BITCH HAS RECIPTS!
48. It was how calm and direct Rachel was when she asked him to leave that makes her A QUEEN!!
49. No, the way she just blew off, NTCAP Host makes her a queen.
50. Who was the producer who found DeMario’s girlfriend? That person is getting a promotion.
51. Taxidermied raccoons? What is this horror?
52. Really into Diggy’s clothing/glasses choices.
53. Very over people reading poems on dates. Not a Kutcher move.
54. Oh, he’s singing. It’s worse.
55. Every time someone talks about love languages I lose a life.
56. Boys the closets are for your clothing, not the floor. Use them.
57. Wow, I had almost forgotten about Whaboom.
58. Rachel maybe uses the word “journey” too much.
59. If this guy reads a poem I will lose it.
60. Oh, thank god. It’s just a creepy massage.
61. Love that they’re all operating under the pretense that NTCAP Host gets the final word.
62. I really hope NTCAP Host asks if he can steal Rachel.
63. Rachel, don't put your drink down! Keep it with you in case you need to throw it.
64. These men are going to go all “kill the beast” on this guy.
65. I can’t wait to find out who will hit DeMario first as an attempt to prove his masculinity through violence.