58 Thoughts I Had While Watching "The Bachelorette" - Episode 1

In the name of gender equality, I am here to review Rachel’s search for love as deeply as I did Nick’s.  Probably more, because I like and respect her.  I have lots of questions.  Mainly, how often will one of the dudes remark on Rachel’s race?  How often will they make a terrible legal pun because she’s a lawyer?  Will Nick show up out of the blue right when we thought we had him out of our heads?  Let’s find out.

1.     Shots every time Not To Catch A Predator Host says something about this being “groundbreaking” or “the first black bachelorette.”  Uh it’s 2017, NTCAP Host, maybe don’t brag about how long it took for you all not to feature almost exclusively white people.

2.     My dad would like it pointed out that, while NTCAP host says that the whole world has been talking about her, he has never heard of any of these people.

3.     I thought I would not have to look at Nick’s face anymore.

4.     If someone says, “I’ve gone black, and I’m not going back,” they deserve to be sent home.

5.     These old ladies wishing her luck are who I want to be.  But I say sleep with as many of the men as you want, Rachel.

6.     Do they all get to bring dogs?  Nick didn’t have a dog.  We never should have trusted him.

7.     Alex the meathead probably has a lot of gym mirror-selfie pics on his Tinder profile.  Also his accent thickness is not consistent.

8.     Rach, pick that resourceful squirrel who ran from this Whaboom man. 

9.     I want to “whaboom” my brains out.

10. Literally no woman ever has said anything about this guy’s penis.  Also, quick tip for men, the more you talk about the penis, the smaller we think it is.

11. Diggy from Chicago is it.  He wears glasses, he’s from Chicago, he has a pitbull.  He’s the one to beat.

12. Oh no, sad brother suicide story.  What is this, The Voice?

13. Josiah, I was on your side until you said you were coming to make her your wife.  Too much too soon.

14. I wish you could all hear this with my father’s commentary about how this is a joke compared to cooking shows.

15. SHARKY WELCOME BACK!  We missed you.  Rachel, choose Alexis.

16. Yes! Impure intentions.  I love impure intentions.  I understand impure intentions.

17. All of these women look so much better post-Nick.

18. Can we just watch a show where this group of women hangs and supports each other and maybe murders men who have wronged them?

19. I feel like Rachel has said, “I don’t get nervous often, but...” like 23 times since we met her.

20. Love this Wisconsin burn on Nick. 

21. No Josiah.  No legal puns. 

22. Colombian Brian’s skin is too shiny.

23. “I won over my wife by doing an Urkle impression.” Said a man whose wife regrets everything.

24. Dear Rachel.  Sweet, smart Rachel.  If a man comes at you with a sledgehammer, YES YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE RUNNING.  #ssdgm.

25. Nobody loves you fetishizing her race, Dean. 

26. Blake E.’s penis is so small he has to overcompensate with an entire marching band.

27. Literally hate that NTCAP host calls “After the Final Rose,” AFR.

28. Fred, bringing his A game with that third grade yearbook photo and the salacious grade school history.

29. Jonathan’s career is “tickle monster.”  I’m genuinely worried for everyone in this house.

30. I feel like this show is really exemplifying how pathetic white men are. 

31. Iggy is my cat’s name, so naturally I’m rooting for him.

32. So so so many red flags.  If you bring a doll in your likeness and name it after yourself, THAT’S A DEAL BREAKER LADIES!

33. You know who this penguin guy is not?! SHARKY – Rachel’s true soul mate.

34. Love how surprised they are that “there’s a lot of dudes in here.”  What show do you think you’re on?

35. I will devote no more time to Whaboom.  Except to say that I feel like he is to blame for Trump’s election, and I will be treating him as such.

36.  I agree plaid tie, pro wrestler.  She WAS too good for Nick. 

37. Nobody moves to LA for the beach.  Don’t trust him Rachel.

38. I'm not here for this doll AJ, bullshit.  I’m terrified.  This isn’t funny.  Someone burn that sadistic motherfucker.

39. Rachel, third graders should never be described as “a bad little boy in a sexy way.” 

40. Shiny face dove right in for that kiss.  It was very aggressive.

41. I notice the men don’t get long stemmed roses.  Is that because they can’t handle the thorns like the ladies can?  Oh, they’re lapel pins.  I get it.

42. Gob Bluth over here needs to go home.

43. This dude almost vacuumed up her dress.  Fool needs to stop.

44. Respect for Rachel’s fierce dismissal of the growling guy.

45. Diggy from Chicago is power-clashing so well, if Rachel doesn’t pick him, I will.

46. My dad is fighting hard for the pro-wrestler.  He thinks he’s genuine and has humility.  Jeff has spoken.

47. Ugh, not a fan of shiny face getting the first impression rose.  He’s way too aggressive of a kisser.

48. The poor drunk, lurker guy. 

49. Josiah, please dial down your confidence, and stop referring to yourself in the third person.

50. Rachel said she doesn’t like to hurt feelings.  I love to hurt feelings.  I would be great at this.

51. Part of me believes that this is a long con for NTCAP host to catch the tickler.

52. Blake E. is going to crack and go scary bananas at one point, and I literally cannot wait.

53. It may be the two glasses of wine I’ve had, but do all men in suits look the same?

54. My mom really thought she wasn’t going to pick Whaboom.  I love how her heart is pure, and she still believes any of this is real.

55. Milton, it’s so early for tears.  Bless him, he really believed he was best dressed.

56. Scenes from the next!

57. Oh, the poor country boy is going to feel discriminated against.

58. Looks like there’s going to be lots of blood and lots of fake eyelashes.