Welcome to Rockette.

Pop Culture. Intersectional Feminism. Sisters & Special Guests.

Your Favorite Rom Com Couples Who Have Definitely Broken Up By Now

Your Favorite Rom Com Couples Who Have Definitely Broken Up By Now

As children, we are all made to believe that Romantic Comedy couples have the strength and love to form lasting unions.  But when you meet under a case of mistaken identity, or actually hate each other, or are children, the chances of it working out are slim.  There are some movie couples that had the legs to go the distance: Harry and Sally, Bridget Jones and Mark Darcy, Pongo and Perdita.  However these are not those couples.  Here is a definitive list of romcom couples that have surely split by now.

Mary and Steve (a.k.a. Eddie)  – The Wedding Planner

On their first “date,” he agreed to go to a romantic movie in the park with her, dance with her, share M&M’s with her (which we all know is the most romantic gesture a human can perform) without ever mentioning that he was ENGAGED to another woman.  Can you say emotional affair?  He basically strings her along while he decides if he wants to marry his pretty blonde fiancé or J.Lo.  But let’s face it, J.Lo. is not much better.  She strings along a skinny, young Dr. Alex Karev and then, after accepting she can’t have Eddie, agrees to marry him because why not?  Otherwise she’ll be stuck single and career-oriented forever.  The darkest fate a woman can face.  Another red flag:  Does Matthew McConaughey go by Eddie or Steve?  Who knows?  If your man goes by two names, that’s a dealbreaker, ladies. 

Relationship Length: 9 months before one of them freaks out and realizes that all M&M’s have the same artificial color amount, and their entire relationship is based on a lie.  Plus, Matthew McConaughey had to move on and end up with Kate Hudson from How to Lose A Guy in Ten Days.  That love had legs.

Annie and Sam – Sleepless in Seattle

 Look, this is a hard one for me to admit because Nora Ephron is my patronus. But I suspect this was an early draft of Fatal Attraction that went off the rails because she full stalks him while in a relationship with an albeit pathetic version of Bill Pullman.  He’s still mourning his dead wife, and her entire knowledge of him is an interview he gave on a late night radio show.  Sam basically follows the word and reckless nature of his son who’s all like, “Hey, I need a new mom.  This one seems like the least crazy of the women who wrote you because you sounded cute on the radio.”  Maybe get your kid some grief counseling, Sam instead of hooking up with a woman who flew across the country to watch you from across a busy street. 

Relationship Length: 6 months before he asks her to move across the country, and she’s like, “Dude, I have a career and can’t leave my bff Rosie O’Donnell,” and he’s like, “Well, I can’t uproot my son again, and also this relationship is built on a felony, so maybe we call it.”  Rest easy.  Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan will ultimately end up together after he basically runs her out of business, but she’s like, “It’s cool, bro.  You cute.”  Long live Kathleen Kelly and Joe Fox.

Jane and Eddie – Someone Like You

Ah, a classic tale.  Man whore falls for an emotionally unstable woman who is still upset her boyfriend of six weeks up and left her.  But Eddie tells her she’s pretty and sleeps next to her in a bed without even fondling her.  (Bring on that Man of the Year Award, amiright?)  Also she apologizes to him for things he has no right to be mad at her about.  “Sorry, I pretended to be an old PhD with knowledge on relationships, when really I’m just heartbroken and this is my misguided way of coping.”  You’d be better off apologizing to the committee of journalistic integrity, Jane.  Just a thought.

Relationship Length: 2 years.  These two stuck it out, attempting to prove a point, but neither was ever truly happy.  This was the classic case of two lonely people just looking for love and settling for each other.  The silver lining is Ray definitely stayed with Diane although they probably both secretly cheated on each other until their dying days.

Marisa and Christopher – Maid in Manhattan

So many rom com relationships begin with a lie, begging the question: Would these people be better off getting some therapy instead of throwing themselves into a relationship?  Marisa and Chris are no exception.  She pretends to be rich because no man would ever love a maid.  Especially a rich, powerful white man who just needs arm candy.  Basically his entire love for her is based on how good she looks in an evening gown, and she’s like, “Well my son’s really fascinated by Nixon, and this guy’s a republican, so match maid in heaven.”  (See what I did there?) 

Relationship Length: 1 year 5 months.  He didn’t like that she spent so much time advancing her career.  He signed up for the dream where he plucks a woman from a service job and brings her and her child to a life of luxury, not someone who wanted a career of her own.  Also the political difference got to them.  Like what the fuck do you know about single mothers, ya rich, white, republican dude?  Poor J.Lo. I still believe she will find love.

Cher and Josh – Clueless

This one is painful to accept, but I’m sure I’m right.  So many things working against them: their ages, drastically different worldviews and the fact that he IS HER EX-STEPBROTHER!  Eventually Mr. Horowitz was like, “This is too weird, even for me.”

Relationship Length: 3 years.  After Josh went to law school, Cher got jealous of all the more intellectually inclined ladies he was spending time with, and she was meeting too many guys in college.  They both ended up marrying well and living high society Beverly Hills lives.  The regularly cheat on their respective spouses with each other, and live in semi-incestual bliss.

Alison and Ben – Knocked Up

Because how many relationships that begin with unwanted pregnancy truly end up happily?  Let’s face it; these two people did not like each other.  And not in a Leslie Mann/Paul Rudd way where they don’t like each other but clearly love each other.  No, these people don’t enjoy the company of the other.  He wasn’t ambitious enough, and she was never appreciative of the things he did for her.  The kid was the only thing they had keeping them together. 

Relationship Length: 2 years into marriage.  She left for some high-powered producer.  They split custody of the kid, who hates them both. 

Sam and Joanna – Love Actually

Okay, they were literal children in an international long distance relationship.  Were you really using them as a basis for true love?  Oh, then sorry.  Because they are definitely no longer together.  By sophomore year of high school (or whatever the British equivalent is) she was like, “Thanks for violating anti-terrorism laws and running through an airport for me, but while touring with my famous mom, I met a One Direction member and he just gets me.”  She, and probably Niall, ran off together and Sam took his anger out on step-dad Daniel, which, let’s face it, is kind of fair.  Rom com dads, some advice: When your kid’s mom dies, get them some grief counseling instead of teaching them how to fuck.  They will hate you in the moment, and thank you in the end.

Relationship Length: Kid dating for 3 years.  So, just awkward hand holding and eventually some lackluster hand stuff.  In college, they both get drunk and send each other confusing Facebook messages, but ultimately grow up and move on to more satisfying relationships.  In their late 20’s, they bump into each other at a party and hook up, but realize it was never meant to be.  

Heben's and Tracy's America: Ten(ish) Women Whose America I am Proud to Live In

Heben's and Tracy's America: Ten(ish) Women Whose America I am Proud to Live In

54 Thoughts I Had While Watching "The Bachelor" for the First Time - Episode 11

54 Thoughts I Had While Watching "The Bachelor" for the First Time - Episode 11