39 Thoughts I Had While Watching "The Bachelor" for the First Time - Episode 9

This recap is part of Allison's Bachelor recap series. Check out her recap for Episode 8.

We’re so close to the end now.  When will Nick get his heartbroken?  Will Corinne and Raquel reunite for good?  Will I be driven to the brink of insanity by Nick’s bleached ramen hair?  Let’s find out...

1.     Even the way Andi said, “Hello, Nick” felt false.

2.     “Heard you were in town.”  It’s amazing how much they try to convince us this isn’t completely orchestrated.

3.     According to my sources, (my sister) Andi has a book to promote.

4.     Aw, Vanessa.  I can’t imagine what you have to be sad about being so beautiful.

5.     Mostly excited for Rachel to be the Bachelorette to see more of her A+ wardrobe.

6.     I want to host a bachelor type show, but where different types of pizza vie for my heart and my taste buds.

7.     The slits in Corinne’s dress are BLINDING.  She really understands the importance of branding yourself.

8.     Is one of your insecurities your hair, Nick?  Because it should be.

9.     Nick’s so obsessed with things happening to him on national television.  May I suggest not doing a reality show, or at least doing one on a lesser network.  Maybe a YouTube dating show for you, Nick.

10. Andi seems like the kind of woman I would be terrified of but still try to make my best friend.

11. Love the feminist rants, BFF Andi, but really concerned with how much you’re reminding Nick that sex is something both parties have to agree on.

12. Ugh, Nick has a slut shaming past.  Like I needed something else to make me dislike him.

13. Part of us all thinks he’s going to try to pick Andi, right?

14. Okay, I have to admit it, Nick can wear an all black suit.

15. Hard to feel the tension about Rachel when we know she doesn’t win.

16. OR does he pick Rachel, but she rejects him to become the bachelorette?  I dig it.  Who can make it happen?

17. I miss Corinne’s father.

18. For the first time, I genuinely don’t know who’s going home.  We’ve met Raquel, so Corinne can go.

19. I’m a witch.  I have powers. ***Trump Impeached, Trump Impeached, Trump Impeached***  Did it work?

20. Corinne, baby girl.  I wish for you self-esteem.  We were all made better for knowing you.

21. “Why can’t I just have a normal relationship?”  Shot in the dark Corinne, but maybe because you tried to find love on a reality show.

22. Going out like she came in.  Sweet dreams, Corinne.

23. If Nick can point out Finland on a map, I’ll apply for the next season of this show.

24. What if Nick’s secret is that he’s never made a woman orgasm? 

25. Raven’s not a chocolate covered pretzel, Nick.  But, now that I mention it, I’d like some chocolate covered pretzels.

26. Feminism 101 by Nick the Bachelor.

27. Shoot.  I really like Raven.  Mostly because her hat is cute and she’s honest about her struggles being pleased in the bedroom.  

28. Maybe you didn’t have an orgasm because you didn’t trust him, but also maybe he didn’t understand clitoral pleasure. 

29. Do they change the sheets between women in the fantasy suite?

30. Nick’s turtleneck is not going to help with her orgasm troubles.

31. Raven and I have similar coping mechanisms for anxiety.

32. I hate that I’m moved by this.  Maybe I do have feelings!! Suck on that, childhood therapists!

33. How much food does this show waste, seriously?  Do they at least let the PA's take it home? 

34. There is something so deeply disturbing that NTCAP Host invites them to a fantasy suite.  Is he a pimp, as well as a predator?


36. That room is so beautiful, I’d have sex with Nick there.

37. Coming up next week, did Raven orgasm?!?!?

38. I can’t wait for next week for the reveal of that dress Rachel is wearing.

39. Whoever just chopped that wood was a stunt double, definitely not Nick.  I bet my pride on it.  Joke’s on you, I have no pride.