54 Thoughts I Had While Watching "The Bachelor" for the First Time - Episode 11
This recap is part of Allison's Bachelor recap series. Check out her recap for Episode 10.
Well, here we are. Thanks to the cruelty of the internet and a work schedule that does not always allow for same day Bachelor viewing, I think I know how this turns out. I am surprised by how much I care. The Allison of eleven weeks ago was so smug, so above it all, so sure that #bachelornation was beneath her. And I’m still all of those things, but I’m also anxious to see Rachel become the Bachelorette and Alexis shark attack Bachelor in Paradise (and to figure out what Bachelor in Paradise is, tbh). I’ve learned that the human condition is full of complexities and contradictions and that 30 women’s quest for love from an average dude is watchable as fuck. Here we go...
1. NTCAP Host pronounces it like “finaaaahle” with a long A. I pronounce it “fineale” like a Chicago bish.
2. The tears Vanessa has shed this season took California out of a drought. Thanks, V.
3. Three hours?! Holy Jesus, did I buy enough wine for this?
4. The elf women skipping after Nick is a great summation of the first ten episodes of this show.
5. Bella deserves better than this.
6. He has to have a favorite at this point though, right? Right?!
7. Bella’s gonna give Vanessa shit forever. (Or for the few months this lasts)
8. What accent would Raven and Nick’s child have? A Midwest/Southern hybrid?
9. “They can still say no. Given his track record, it’s not the greatest.” OMG, the brother with the shaaaade. He single?
10. Nick’s family members keep multiplying.
11. Yes! Of course you still need time to get to know each other? Vanessa, use me as a sounding board! I’m a borderline alcoholic, but I give great advice.
12. I aspire to the cold exterior of Nick’s mother.
13. Why would anyone ever leave Montreal? They put gravy on fries!
14. Nick’s dad is NOT about Vanessa. Probably because she’s wearing an off-the-shoulder top in sub-zero temperatures.
15. Love the house Nick’s family is staying in. Is Nick forced to live there with his intended forever?
16. You think they could find this audience better chairs than the ones used at a community center Thanksgiving potluck.
17. I could not care less what this audience thinks. Get back to the show, please.
18. Feel like NTCAP Host is a little confused about what the term “historic” means.
19. The middle aged man in the audience. Is he there with a wife? Daughter? Mistress who’s tricked him into going on live TV to so his wife finds out about the affair?
20. Is Nick contractually obligated to lift them up every time he sees them?
21. Sooooooo creeped out by Santa behind the tree. What the fuck? Catch that predator, NTCAP host!
22. The up the nose shots are making me nauseous.
23. If an adult man brings you to see Santa FUCKING RUN, GIRL!
24. Guys, Santa makes toys. If you’re looking for happiness, you need a therapist.
25. Vanessa’s smile when she said “fertility” is terrifying. Is she Gone Girl?
26. I wonder if a man has ever said his type is a dumb, weak, insecure women?
27. Ugh, I’m respecting Nick’s honesty and I hate the feeling of respecting Nick.
28. Vanessa maybe needed to review how this show worked before signing up for it.
29. When Raven loses, can she become a Disney princess?
30. Oh good lord. SIXPENCE NONE THE RICHER?!?!? This show is everything I dreamed it would be. What’s Rachel Leigh Cook doing right now?
31. “There’s no one for miles.” Except the producer you’re talking to and the cameraman filming it.
32. Really thought Raven was going for the Dirty Dancing lift there. If Nick could pull that off, I’d marry him.
33. Raven's laying on ice without proper outdoor gear. She cray.
34. PUPPIES PUPPIES PUPPIES!!! Because of the puppies, I apologize for all the mean things I’ve said about Nick.
35. No children are as cute as these puppies, Raven. Sorry, girl.
36. Nick’s really improved his sweater game this episode. He must be reading my recaps.
37. Nick’s Arkansas accent is the worst thing I’ve ever heard. And I did high school musical theater.
38. Oiy, poor Raven. She’s so convinced they’re getting engaged. This is why I avoid optimism at all costs.
39. Cannot hate anything more than that the name of Nick’s cottage is, “The Bear’s Den.”
40. Bahahahahahaha, Neil Lane. This is so weird.
41. Vanessa looks so beautiful and so so evil. I dream of cultivating that vibe.
42. There is nothing I wouldn’t give for the end of this to be Nick proposing to NTCAP Host.
43. OPEN TOE SHOES IN THE SNOW? Raven. Girl, know better.
44. If she gets out of the car first does that mean she loses? Is that a code everyone knows?
45. Just tell her, Nick. Stop letting her talk. This is so mean.
46. Love Raven saying “I know” after Nick said he is going to miss her. She turned out to be the low key hero of this season.
47. Do the cars pass each other as Raven leaves and Vanessa comes in?
48. Did they make him chose Vanessa because the, “Will she say yes?” tension is higher?
49. At least Vanessa wore sensible shoes.
50. Her lipstick is more prominent and less prominent in different shots. Almost like they’ve done more than one take!
51. Also there’s a lipstick stain on her forehead where he kissed it. Not only did they do more than one take, but he’s wearing lipstick.
52. WHERE ARE THEY GONNA LIVE?!
53. Her ring’s too big. Get that shit sized.
54. 9 months. Max.