79 Thoughts I Had While Watching "The Bachelor" for the First Time - Episode 6

This recap is part of Allison's Bachelor recap series. Check out her recap for Episode 5.

** I dedicate this post, and my heart, to Alexis, aka Sharky.  We didn’t deserve you, but you made us better nonetheless.  I hope everything I do would have made you proud.

Full disclosure: I’m watching this a day late (lay off, we can’t all have nannies.) I’ve heard this is the most explosive episode yet, so my expectations are high.  Corinne better eat Taylor’s eyeballs.  Let’s do this...

1.  Danielle M. looks exhausted by this experience.  Is it the exhaustion of knowing she can do so much better than Nick?

2.  Yes, Taylor!  Spoon Corinne’s eyes out!

3.  Corinne slamming that champagne glass down like...

4.  Corinne, you can’t just sit there.  Go do something!  Or at least get Raquel to do something.

5.  Byeeee, Taylor. 

6.  Not loving this sweater on Nick.  Very unappealing neck line.

7.  “Cats have nine lives and bitches have two.”  Girl, do not presume to know what life Taylor is on.  She just got blessed by voodoo priestesses.  This could be life 112 for all you know.

8.  Corinne's inner monologue: “I look into his eyes and I’m like, Oh my God.  I’m on TV.”

9.  I really need to know what Corinne’s business is.  Real estate?  Drugs?  Buying and selling nannies named Raquel?

10.  Still defacing Beauty and the Beast.  Cool, cool, cool.

11.  That full moon is daunting.  I bet one of them turns into a werewolf.

12.  Every week I fear Sharky’s time is up.  

13.  NTCAP Host is announcing there won’t be a cocktail party the way newscasters everywhere announced this year’s presidential election.

14.  There’s lipstick on every inch of that glass rim.  Did Corinne rim job her champagne glass? 

15.  A lot of these tall, skinny, brunettes all still look the same.  Or is it one girl?

16.  Seems like Vanessa was full of shit when she said she’d give the rose back if he picked Corinne.

17.  Me, if Sharky doesn’t get this last rose.


19.  I’m dead inside. 

20.  Who the fuck is Whitney?  (The loss of Sharky has made me a lot more hostile.)

21.  Fuck St. Thomas.  Fuck Nick.  Fuck anyone who isn’t Sharky.

22.  I can’t wait to see Nick cry.  He deserves to cry.  He deserves only pain.

23.  Can these girls give us a low down on how their hair doesn’t get frizzy in these humid climates?

24.  Do the women not travel with Nick?   They’re acting like they haven’t seen him in years.

25.  Watching them on that tiny plane is giving me anxiety.  Or maybe it’s Nick’s face.  Who’s to say?

26.  Did Jasmine not get a 1 on 1 and also her puppy died?  That’s all that would explain the tears.

27.  Nick’s bathing suit shorts are an affront to all things good.  I hope he gets eaten by a shark.  Oft, I just remembered about Sharky.

28.  Nick’s like, “Hey, girl.  Where’s Russia?”

29.  Hey Vanessa, I liked your fun fact about St. Thomas. 

30.   “Everyone needs a Raquel or a Lorna in their life.”  Corinne is a study in white privilege.

31.  “Raquel is jealous.”  Please, Raquel is praising every second you’re gone, Corinne.

32.  How does Nick’s hair get worse every week?

33.  We can officially add Kristina to the list of "Women in this cast that are too good for Nick."

34.  Nick is sitting on that chair like he wants to run the fuck away. 

35.  Jasmine is going to drown Nick in the ocean.

36.  I definitely thought Whitney was more than one person.

37. Is it just me, or is this show bastardizing a lot of cultures?

38.  Does Nick have a subscription to a brightly colored, creepy swim shorts trunk club?

39.  “Christmas or Halloween?”  “Chocolate or Vanilla?”  Good for Nick for really getting to know these women.

40.  Vanessa, I know you’re so beautiful that no one has ever told you like it is, but you really need to take it down a notch.  No one loves vanilla that much.

41.  Corinne looking like she’s never taken a shot.  Girl, please.   

42.  Is Nick just watching them play volleyball against each other without participating?  I’m so creeped out.

43.  Someone spike the ball at Nick’s head.

44.  I quit, I’ll never have a pun as good as Raven’s turnip/turnt up one.

45.  Rachel, now that Sharky’s gone, you are the toppest of tops.  So yes, you should leave.  Nick does not deserve you.

46.  “I didn’t want all the competition, gossip and talk.”  Ladies – you’re on a show where you compete with thirty other women for one man.  I agree it’s asinine, but you signed up for it.

47.  At least Corinne is in her happy, sleeping place.

48.  These women may be in St. Thomas, in beautiful gowns, with a terrible human man, but I’m drinking $4 wine and eating organic pickle spears.  Everyone has their own definition of luxury.

49.  “I don’t know how to fix this.”  I got a pitch for you, Nick.  Leave.

50.  Jasmine, reign it in.  A few deep breaths will do you well.

51.  I feel like they cut away from Jasmine in real time, and when they went back, she hadn’t stopped talking. 

52.  You guys thinking about what Sharky is doing right now?

53.  How is Jasmine still talking?

54.  All of these women: “I came here to be engaged.  Doesn’t matter the man.”

55.  Really proud of Jasmine for not letting him get a word in edgewise.  No one cares what you have to say, Nick.  Even the women that were hired to date you.

56.  Threatening to choke a man and then putting your hands around his throat works, no?

57.  Byeeee, Jasmine.

58.  She may actually choke him now.  

59.  Did we see Raven get the rose?  Was I still blinded by his swim shorts at that moment?

60.  A THIRD PAIR OF ATROCIOUS SWIM SHORTS!!! The only thing getting progressively worse than his hair, is his swim trunks.

61.  Did they mean to pick the douchiest accessory to secure Nick’s mic, or was that rope necklace on sale?

62.  Seriously never noticed Whitney before today.  Are we sure she wasn’t previously more than one person?

63.  D.Lo?  Solid nicknaming, Vanessa.

64.  Does this show have a manicurist on staff?  No way these girls have nail game this solid.

65.  I’m not saying men can’t pull of that bright pink shirt color, I’m just saying Nick can’t.

66.  Byeee, Whitney.  We hardly knew ye.

67.  Last week he abandoned Taylor in a swamp; this week he abandoned Whintey on a beach.  Can’t wait for Nick’s ripped from the headlines episode of "Law and Order: SVU" to come out.

68.  I feel like the only clothes these women brought were workout pants and gowns.

69.  D.Lo and Nick are holding hands in the most uncomfortable of ways.

70.  Did Whitney ever get off that beach, though?  Or does she have to start her own civilization?

71.  I have more chemistry with my mechanic than Nick has with D.Lo

72.  Byeee, D.Lo?

73.  I called it.  I should start betting.  Only on bad reality TV though.  That’s all I’m good at.

74.  For a man whose pants are consistently too tight, Nick sure thinks a lot of himself. 

75.  Count yourself lucky, D.Lo.  At least he didn’t maroon you on a island or in a swamp.

76.  Corinne called it.  She may be a witch.

77.  Nick, Advertisers have already paid for ad time.  You’re under contract.  There’s no backing out now. 

78.  Oh, Nick gone.  No one storms out of a Mariott unless they’re serious about it.

79.  These tags are worthless without Sharky.