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64 Thoughts I Had While Watching "The Bachelor" for the First Time - Episode 8

64 Thoughts I Had While Watching "The Bachelor" for the First Time - Episode 8

This recap is part of Allison's Bachelor recap series. Check out her recap for Episode 7.

We’re meeting Raquel.  As a child, I met Barney at a state fair.  This feels a lot like that.  Hopefully Raquel won’t ignore me and hit on my mom like Barney did.

1.     Can’t wait to find out what Corinne’s “business” is.

2.     Nick's “I want to be invited and not assume anything” attitude is BS. The nicer he’s being the less I trust him.  Has watching this bananas show unlocked some deep personal issues?  It's probably best not to look into it. 

3.     Nick and I are both super eager to meet Raquel.  I hate when we agree.

4.     He seems pretty stuck on Andi if you’re asking me.  ( I don't know that it's spelled with an "i," but it feels safe to assume.)

5.     Mudding?  Frogging?  Is it too late to nickname Raven “Winn Dixie”?

6.     Would love if Nick got arrested in Arkansas.  Arkansas prisons are rougher than regular ones, right?

7.     Nick, you’re not from Milwaukee, you’re from WAUKESHA.

8.     Of course the cop is her brother. 

9.     The poor PA who has to clean those tractors.

10. Is this the scene from “How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days” right before they fuck in the bathroom?  Nick would fancy himself Matthew McConaughey.

11.   I will not cry at Winn Dixie's father’s cancer story.  The Bachelor will not make me cry. 

12. I WILL NOT CRY!!!!!!


14. Winn Dixie's father talking to her about walking her down the aisle is thawing my cold heart.  Let’s get to Corinne and Raquel, so I can be a stone-cold bitch again.

15. Has a bachelor ever called a woman by one of the other women’s names in front of her family?  Can a producer orchestrate that?

16. This is the vaguest way to ask a father for his daughter’s hand.  “If I pick her over the three other ladies I’m considering, it cool if I maybe propose if she hasn't realized I'm the worst?”

17. Would like to make a shout out to my own father for never referring to me as something to “hand off.”  

18. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than watching these women prepare to tell him they love him.

19. Nick in Rachel's church like...

20. He says she’s beautiful, and she’s basically like, “duh, I know.”

21.  If Rachel is looking for new friends, I’m available.

22. Again, did not see them eat a bite.

23. You’re not from Mars, but you are from Waukesha so... worse. 

24. Nick’s just so happy there’s another white guy there. 

25. Rachel’s older sister has shade we should all aspire to.

26. She clearly got it from her mother.

27. Rachel, be honest.  We all know you do, in fact have a checklist.

28. Rachel and her family are far too practical and level headed for this show.

29. Corinne, those shoes.  I know Raquel would not approve of those.

30. Nothing about Corinne’s life is relatable. 

31. Nick’s straw hat is the worst thing I’ve seen since Corinne’s shoes.

32. I have to admit, I do respect Corinne’s kept man attitude.  I would watch a show where she auditions sugar babies.

33. Corinne’s father will be played by Jon Lovitz in the movie about Corinne’s life I’m writing.  Or Joe Pesci.  Or a turtle.

34. RAQUEL!!! Now I’m crying and I’m not ashamed.

35. Is Corinne’s sister 14?

36. They’re making poor Raquel work.

37. Corinne’s mom saying "she couldn’t do it without Raquel" while Raquel hands her wine is everything I expected this family to be.

38. If they were Greek enough, they would have said "Opa!"

39. Never trust a man who doesn’t like Greek olives.

40. He’s having the parent talk with Raquel, not her actual mother.  And Raquel is not about him.

41. Corinne’s father brings up a good point.  Does Nick have a job?  Appearing on various iterations of The Bachelor is his job, yes?

42. I’ve come to a very serious conclusion.  I believe, truly and deeply, that the mark on Nick’s ear is a mole, not a cartilage piercing scar.

43. Poor Raquel, cleaning up.  Does Corinne know the difference between someone you pay to care for you and actual family?



44. We never did find out what Corinne's business is.  From the looks of it, it's a reckless-shopping-and-complaining-to-daddy company. 

45. Montreal – I immediately want gravy on fries.

46. Vanessa is wayyyyy too good a person for Nick.  Or any of us.  Remember when Corinne shaded her for being a special needs teacher and then spent $650 on a sweatshirt?  My advice to Corinne, from a woman who knows...

47. You think Vanessa gathered these pictures?  The production assistants really get no love.

48. Vanessa must be a great person to be that beautiful and still do a selfless job.

49. Not to generalize, but Italians can breed.

50. Nick, they have gravy on fries.  I’m moving to Montreal.

51. Vanessa’s mother and Rachel’s mother should start a club of hard ass hero mothers.  Raquel can join too. 

52. Vanessa’s brother will be played by the kid who played Farkus in “A Christmas Story.” 

53. Vanessa’s sister’s eyebrows should win the show. 

54. These women say they imagined their fathers walking them down the aisle like they’re the first person to come up with that idea.

55. Vanessa, you’ve been to tropical islands.  It’s a vacation.  Throwing it to Kourtney again...

56. Vanessa’s father will be played by himself because no one can capture this man’s fire.

57. Nick: “This is real life for me.”  Nah, bro.  It’s a reality show.

58. Vanessa, you sweet sweet idiot.  Of course he asked the other parents the same thing.

59. Really worried Vanessa doesn’t understand the premise of this show.

60. Nick could not look douchier drinking that espresso on this Brooklyn balcony.

61. That fur coat, Corinne!  I want to study her.

62. Who da fuq is this?

63. Thaaaat's why they kept talking about Andi. 

64. Vanessa’s a show off with that Italian.

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