61 Thoughts I Had While Watching "The Bachelor" for the First Time - Episode 7

This recap is part of Allison's Bachelor recap series. Check out her recap for Episode 6.

First off, I want to apologize for the lateness of this post.  When I heard Rachel was going to be the next Bachelorette, I was so happy I took a three-day joy nap.  When I woke up, I spent the next few days writing a polite but firm letter to ABC imploring them to “please deliver only their highest quality of man.  No Nicks need apply.”  Now that I’ve accomplished that, I feel ready to watch the Corinne drama unfold while we wait for Nick to ultimately pick Vanessa.  Let’s dive in...

1.     Oh, right.  This is the one where I’m supposed to pity Nick. 

2.     The drama of the silence!

3.     God, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve sat silently on the beaches of St. Thomas pondering all the bitties tryna date me...

4.     Not to diminish the gravity of these moments, but Vanessa’s berry lip stain is on point.

5.     Rachel doesn’t even know she’s about to hit the big leagues.

6.     That is the longest they’ve kept Corinne off screen.

7.     I want to see more of the friendship between Rachel and Kristina.  Is anyone developing their best bud road trip movie?

8.     Do we think he’s about to announce he and NTCAP host are running away together?

9.     Corinne’s eyes lit up like she just remembered her book deal is still a possibility.  Raquel better get writing.

10. How is this show not on the travel channel?  I mean what is their carbon footprint at this point?

11. SWEET AND MERCIFUL GOD, LET US MEET CORINNE’S FAMILY!!!!

12. Say what you will about Corinne, but being frustrated and bloated is a truly wretched combination.

13. There is no limit to the amount of times I can hear Corinne say, “my heart is gold, but my vagine is platinum.”

14. There is a very strict limit to the amount of times I can see Nick’s blinding shorts.  We’ve gone way over it.

15. Corinne must have a platinum vagine to go after a special needs teacher for being a special needs teacher.

16. I’m gonna need a makeup artist to wipe off the one awkward line of sweat on the side of Nick’s face.

17. What’s the wine budget on this show?

18. Vanessa is too beautiful for that to have been her first time on a yacht.  Remember when she vomited just to show us she was human?

19. Vanessa looks like a 90s soap star tonight.

20.  “I really, really like you.”  Ouch...

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21. Do they ever eat at these dinners?  Their napkins are still pristine in their napkin holders.

22. ABC repeatedly playing the, “My heart is gold, but my vagine is platinum” clip is keeping my heart warm now that Sharky is gone. 

23. Ugh, the rose shorts.  Did he lose a bet?

24. The sexy music playing while they take their clothes off is unsettling.

25. Kristina: “I hope nobody gets left on this island.”  Tell that to Taylor, who he literally marooned in a swamp.  Or the two whose names I’ve already forgotten who he literally abandoned on an island.

26. RE: The sharks: “Are they in a cage?”  Never change, Corinne.

27. Hope nobody’s surfing the crimson wave.

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28. I'm loving that Raven is hoping to get the rose because the other two get eaten.  Girl’s playing the game my way.

29. Good to know even the most beautiful women can’t look attractive in snorkels.

30. Corinne just pounding down that cheese is vv relatable.  Clearly, more unites us than divides.

31. Sometimes I think we as a global citizens are really making progress, then people have long-winded conversations about how fathers and brothers are overprotective like my mother couldn’t diminish Nick to a crying heap with a mere look.

32. Corinne is single-handedly bringing back body glitter. 

33. Nick laughing at Corinne referring to herself in the third person is the most real he’s been this entire process.  I almost liked him. 

34. Who’s this singer ABC is trying to sell the album of?  Nick said it, but I already forgot.

35. Finally, some normal swim shorts!  Bless you, Nick.

36. Not a fan of the bike cameras.  I’m very uncomfortable.

37. Danielle seems sweet and all, but I’m so bored.

38. Well now that we’re talking about her dead fiancé, I feel bad.

39. Eh, she’s still boring.  One ticket to hell, please!

40. We can just say it now, right?  Bye, Danielle!

41. Girl, do not let Nick define your greatness!  There is a man somewhere as boring and pretty as you, just waiting to sweep you off your feet and, I want to say take you to a farmer's market?

42.  “I’d live in a shack with no diamonds for Nick.”  The sacrifices, Corinne.  Does the Nobel Prize committee know about you?

43. Corinne can pick a good sex outfit, you have to give her that.

44. Why are you all stressed over getting one on one dates if you can just go up to his hotel room for a booty call?

45. Is the vagine line available in a ringtone?

46. Jesus, pre-sex talk is weird when you don’t see what’s happening.

47. The music and the shot of the champagne bottle is so deeply triggering.

48. I guess we’ll never know if her vagine is, in fact, platinum. 

49. Sneaking?  Corinne, a camera crew followed you.

50. Nick, Rachel’s skirt deserves a rose.

51. Rachel, did your mother never tell you not to trust a man in a Livestrong bracelet?

52. Is Nick asking if he’s the first white guy she’s dated?

53. Yup.  Yes.  That’s absolutely what Nick was asking.

54. Can this bartender be the next bachelor?

55. The three things I want in the world right now are chocolate lava cake, a Trump impeachment and to meet Raquel.

56. Can the internet hive mind please find old pictures of Nick with a cartilage piercing?  It might be a freckle, but that would be more disappointing than not meeting Raquel.

57. Let’s be honest, Corinne.  This whole process has been a slow nervous breakdown for you.  Take a Xanax.

58. Bye, Kristina.  She was a far better choice of a woman, but NOW WE GET TO MEET RAQUEL!!!

59. Now can Kristina and Rachel get working on their buddy cop franchise?

60. Rachel and Kristina were the true love story. 

61. Okay, Raven can join Rachel and Kristina’s “ladies finding themselves” comedy.  Be free, ladies!