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63 Thoughts I Had While Watching "The Bachelor" for the First Time - Episode 5

63 Thoughts I Had While Watching "The Bachelor" for the First Time - Episode 5

This recap is part of Allison's Bachelor recap series. Check out her recap for Episode 4.

Honestly, this show has just become a two hour build up to the Sharky tag at the end.  Here we go.

1.      I could watch two hours of Taylor throwing shade on Corinne.

2.      “I do care so much about you.”  Corinne practiced this speech in front of a bottle of champagne, her first love.

3.      Corinne is hiding all her crazy in her beautiful, plump lips.

4.      Add “I don’t think she’s here for the right reasons” to the drinking game after “Can I steal him for a minute?” and mentions of Raquel the adult nanny.

5.       Stop pretending like you think Corinne is mature, Nick.  Your tips may be frosted, but you are not stupid. 

6.      How long until Corinne has a nip slip do we think?  It can’t be more than two more weeks.

7.      Beauty and the Beast is my childhood favorite, and they are defaming it by involving Nick in any way.

8.      Side note, I played Cogsworth in my high school’s production.  I can trace my body image issues back to that moment.

9.      These girls talking about their “tough” and “difficult” nights know the world is literally about to explode, right?

10.  Is NTCAP host just there to be Nick’s bro? 

11.  Whatever bitch was just blocking Sharky’s face from the camera should go home, and her house should be egged.

12.  Love that the girls are officially taking Team Corinne/Team Taylor sides.

13.  Drunk Corinne is all of us for the next four years, though. 

14.  Aw, this crying one is cute.  I wish I noticed she was a person before. 

15.  “Love is the one thing I want in my life, and the one thing I don’t know how to get.”  This girl needs a hobby, or for Katherine Heigl to play her in a rom-com we all claim to hate, but watch whenever it shows up on the USA network.

16.  Not to sound like my mother during every episode of “American Idol,” but even if Corinne loses this, she’s still getting a reality show deal.  Someone get Andy Cohen on the phone.

17.  Are we taking bets on whether or not Sharky tries to fight a crocodile?

18.  Can’t wait to see these women bastardize New Orleans culture.  I’m jealous.

19.  A+ leotard game, Rachel.

20.  So people at work kept talking about a 2 on 1 and honestly, I thought it was some sort of sex act.

21.  How many of the rejects do we think NTCAP host has banged?

22.  The 2 on 1 is 100% going to be Corinne and Taylor, right?

23.   I do appreciate a good beignet pun, not tryna lie.

24.  Nick is a really upsetting kisser.

25.  None of these women have ever eaten beignets in their lives.

26.  We can stop watching now.  It’s obvi going to come down to Sharky and Rachel.  No one else deserves a chance.

27.  They’re making these other girls watch the date!  That’s some old school torture, right there.

28.  This band is the best live music they could find in New Orleans?

29.  Love that I’m not the only one who talks about funerals on dates.

30.  Her father is a federal judge, Nick.  OBVIOUSLY you have to call him sir.

31.  Is Nick covertly asking how her family would feel about her bringing a white guy home?

32.  Maybe I’m a stone-cold bitch, but if you’ve asked two different women to marry you and failed, you may be the problem.

33.  Haven’t heard the last six things said because Rachel’s skin is so perfect and unblemished.  Is she a witch or just the owner of a really good night cream?

34.  Sharky/Alexis deserves more than a group date.

35.  Someone goes home from the 2 on 1?  A list of the rules would be swell, thanks.

36.  Something spooky and scary, Raven?  Werewolf bar mitzvah?

37.  I hope Nick gets sacrificed to the ghost of a May, the eight-year-old yellow-fever perishing murderer.

38.  It’d be easy to make fun of these women for freaking out when Boo the Caretaker tells them not to touch May’s doll, but they did go on a reality show thinking they were going to find true love with one guy among thirty other women, so logic’s not their strong suit.

39.  Gasp! The doll’s gone!  Who touched it!  (A producerrrrr). 

40.  Girl, cover the top of that cork!  That is face-mask-bathing-while-drunk-on-champagne 101.   

41.  The poor PA who has to write out these group date cards.

42.  “It’s flickering!”  Yes, ladies.  It’s fire.

43.  Vanessa’s about to start talking about the connection between her and ghost baby, May, and how she really can see herself falling in love with her.

44.  I genuinely don’t think May, who died of yellow fever at age 8, cares if any of you bitches gets a rose.

45.  Raven just dropped the love bomb.  I am now writing this from under a heavy blanket from bystander shame.

46.  Nick is no The Beast, but I would not be surprised if at least half these girls have Stockholm Syndrome.

47.  Raven told him she loved him and he gave the rose to someone else.  I would feel for her if I had ever learned to express emotions.

48.  Loving that they pack their bags pre-2 on 1.

49.  Corinne be like, “We’re just two different people.  Taylor’s a vicious cunt.  I’m a golden angel.”

50.  “Make America Corinne Again.”  Girl, you’re already the villain.  You don’t need to work for it.

51.  Taylor listing her degree and saying, “emotional intelligence” is the new “Jayden Tanner’s wedding.”

52.  The Voodoo Priestess should win everything.  Also, I would love a quick run down on how to become a voodoo priestess.

53.  Corinne just had a Taylor voodoo doll made.  Pinned that motherfucker straight through the heart.  Baby girl came to play.

54.  “Whipped Cream and Lies” is the current working title of my memoir.

55.  If someone doesn’t push someone else is a swamp this was a waste.  Don’t care who pushes whom.  Voodoo Priestess can push Nick, I’d be happy.

56.  Give the rose to the Voodoo Priestess, Nick!

57.  Give the rose to the Swamp, Nick!

58.  Bury me with a voodoo doll and a rose in one hand ala Corinne.

59.  Does Nick rejecting Taylor include abandoning her in a swamp?

60.  Taylor will not be abandoned in a swamp without a fight! I hate how much I love this.

61.  These scenes from next week are just delaying the Sharky outtakes.

62.  Honestly though, Nick dressed as Nicolas Cage will enter my deepest nightmares tonight.

63.  Proud of you for facing your fears, Sharky.  You inspire us all.   

Goodnight, angels. 

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