84 Thoughts I Had While Watching "The Bachelor" for the First Time - Episode 1
True life: I’ve never watched The Bachelor. I have thoughts. And questions. Oh, so many many questions.
1. I wonder if this passes the Bechdel Test.
2. He’s looking at that rose with Nora Ephron Eyes. I bet the rose wins.
3. Oooo controversy! I almost care.
4. The first time he said, “I’m Nick and I’m the bachelor” I think he ejacked his pants.
5. He showers. Good to know.
6. Chicago Boy!
7. Based on the footage of his past Bachelor attempts, he has improved with age. And also probably some producer encouraged makeovers.
8. He’s not a Chicago boy. He’s from Wisconsin. I bet he’s one of those people who claims to be from Chicago.
9. I bet he’s the first bachelor who’s said, “Family is important to me”.
10. Why doesn’t he just try Match.com?
11. The darkest part of me hopes he gets crazy rejected.
12. They’re really making a big deal out of the fact that he’s been on this show before.
13. First commercial. This was all worth it for the Beauty and the Beast trailer.
14. Who dees fools?
15. All of them look like giant toolbags.
16. Why do they all have boring white boy names? Ben, Nick, Chris, Mike, Steve, John. Honestly I stopped listening but all their names sound the same.
17. You’re using the word, “humbled” wrong, Sparsely Bearded Dude. You loooooove that a bunch of hot women showed up to date you when you can’t even grow a beard.
18. They’re all laughing at him because he can’t find love. They are terrible friends.
19. Is this blonde guy allowed to be out in the sun?
20. Sparsely Bearded Dude is 100% in love with Nick. I hope they make it if that rose rejects him.
21. He’s getting ready now. No way he did that pocket square himself.
22. You can nominate someone for the next season. I don’t hate anyone enough to nominate them. Well, maybe one person. You know who you are.
23. Just checked the info on this mess. This is two hours long?!?!
24. You guys openly weep at the Hidden Figures trailer too, right?
25. True Life: I cannot tell the difference between this host and the To Catch a Predator host. Are they the same? If so, has he caught any Bachelors yet?
26. Love that they got footage of this woman vacuuming. If they showed too much footage of her being a lawyer Nick’s boner would wilt and fall off.
27. Are you allowed to be on this show if you’re above a size 4?
28. This woman incessantly meowing at her cat gives me hope. Let your freak flag fly, angel.
29. This adult woman has a nanny. Maybe I misheard and she said she is a nanny. Nope she has a nanny. I have so many questions.
30. Did they find a stereotype from each state or is that actually what people from Arkansas are like?
31. Am I supposed to do a shot every time there is a nurse?
32. The combined weight of all these women is less than my goal weight.
33. I hope some of them form life long friendships.
34. If a woman comes out of the limo and is over a size 10, does Nick burst into flames?
35. Lauren, watch what you say about disgusting sluts. We’re like 43% of this show’s audience. Where my girls at?
36. I’ve also used the trust fall move to get a guy to grab my boobs. Classic move, girl.
37. I don’t understand why people brag about not wearing underwear. They come off so quickly, is it really a deterrent?
38. German is a tricky language to seduce someone with. Props.
39. Who the fuck is Jayden Tanner? Her wedding looks fun.
40. The hottest part of this episode so far is Viola Davis walking through this How to Get Away With Murder promo.
41. He’s only met half of them?! I graduated high school with less people than this.
42. That hot dog is cooked, Nick. They come cooked. It’s just cold. You don’t deserve Cat Girl.
43. “I want to make sure you’re clean”. God, I wish she had demanded an STD test right there.
44. The red dress debacle is the biggest dress drama since that whole White and Gold or Blue and Black BS. (It was White and Gold, btw)
45. Dolphin lady is not in a red dress and is in a shark costume. Also she’s my hero.
46. It’s not a debate, guys. It’s a shark.
47. Also not a debate, she’s too good for him.
48. Is Jayden Tanner some kind of witch where if you say her name a certain number of times you find love?
49. He seems to be addressing them with a speech directly from his, “Feminism for Dummies” handbook.
50. Is this empowering? Let’s consult that Viola Davis commercial.
51. 10 siblings?! I don’t even have 10 friends.
52. He’s saying “women” when he means “woman”
53. Not To Catch A Predator Host is here with a rose.
54. Someone should put that rose in water.
55. Corrine Who Has An Adult Nanny just interrupted a conversation. Girl’s going in for the kill. Here comes the slut shaming!
56. Did he just ask if he has to pay her for the kiss with a token? Better read that “Feminism for Dummies” book closer.
57. Seriously, someone put that rose in water or it will wilt and die! This is the most intense drama on this show right now.
58. Having a first date with 30 different people is an introvert’s nightmare.
59. First tears! It’s okay, love. You’re too good for him.
60. IT. IS. A. SHARK.
61. Corrine Who Has An Adult Nanny, I defended you against the slut shaming. Stop fat shaming the shark. Also you know fat girls aren’t allowed on the show.
62. Shark. It’s a shark. Not a dolphin. Shark.
63. Next time someone says Jayden Tanner with no explanation, I’m throwing something.
64. Is it Jade or Jayden? This and someone getting that rose in water is all that matters.
65. Of course one of them is obsessed with Carrie Bradshaw. Show me the one who’s obsessed with Jessica Fletcher.
66. He picked up the rose! You have less than a minute to get it in some water!!!! Save the rose, NICK!
67. Yes, lawyer girl who vacuums! Get it! I hope he genuinely likes her and ABC is not just trying to stave off some claims of racism.
68. Vacuuming Lawyer, get that rose in some water, pls. Thx.
69. How can he cut half of them? They all look the same.
70. These women are gorgeous and fit but I’m eating mini gingerbread men dipped in red wine so who’s the real winner?
71. Has anyone ever seen this guy and the To Catch a Predator Host in the same place, though?
72. I don’t think this passes the Bechdel Test.
73. Deeply hope one girl is offered a rose and responds, “Nah, bro. Wasn’t feeling it. PEACE!”
74. How many of the 30 are just hired extras, do we think? At least 12?
75. How does he know all their names? I forget my own middle name at least three times a week.
76. One girl is really judging Sharky and I just can’t let her talk about my BFF like that.
77. My roommate just wondered aloud if the producers thought up Sharky or if it’s genuine. If it’s not genuine, I’ll never experience a deeper betrayal.
78. The one from Jayden Trinket’s wedding is most certainly the last rose.
79. NTCAP Host came in to announce that there is only one rose left. We know! Go back to catching predators.
80. CALLED IT! Jayden Trimmer’s Wedding Guest got the last rose. I can’t do simple math but I know twists in reality TV like I know I love Sharky.
81. Say, “I kissed him nine months ago” one more time, Jayden Tourniquet’s Wedding Guest.
82. Scenes from the next! Why’s he in snow? Why’s he on a beach? Ooo, a bisexual! AND THE BACKSTREET BOYS!
83. “My heart is gold but my vagine is platinum” should be elegantly carved in my gravestone.
84. This does not pass the Bechdel Test.