65 Thoughts I Had While Watching "The Bachelor" for the First Time – Episode 4

This recap is part of Allison's Bachelor recap series. Check out her recap for Episode 3.

It's week 4 of The Bachelor. I am still trying to wade my way through this world. My list of questions continues to grow. Let's do this. 

1.      Does Nick Sun-In his hair?

2.      I feel like last week I knew their names and now I’ve lost them all.  There are at least three Katie’s, right?

3.      That purple shirt looks good on NTCAP Host, but I feel like the predators can probably spot it from a mile away.

4.      Girls talking shit in a bed.  God, I miss Sunday mornings in college.

5.      “I’m not privileged in any way, shape or form.”  How many times do we think Corinne WHAAN has chanted, “All Lives Matter”? 

6.      Vanessa looks like a carved statue of a Greek goddess.  Nick looks like he’s still reeling after being rejected from a 98° cover band.

7.      Corrine WHAAN going to town on her tear duct is what all reality TV should be.

8.      We’re 8 minutes and 4 seconds in and no one has talked about Sharky.  I’m really worried she went home last week and I blacked it out.

9.      Taylor’s shade is fire.

10.  Oh thank God, there’s Sharky. 

11.  I would love it if they would keep their hair consistent throughout this process, just for clarity’s sake.

12.  I’ve never felt less tension than during the last rose of this rose ceremony.

13.  I wondered what red dress’ name was and then remembered I don’t need to know now because she gone!

14.  “I’ve never told anyone I loved them.”  Has no one ever brought you a donut while you were studying?

15.  Honestly, Corinne and Nick deserve each other.  End this mess now.

16.  No one’s even been this excited to go to Milwaukee.  Also they’re going to Waukesha, not Milwaukee.

17.   Sharky, as God as my witness, you will win this, then dump his ass and marry a shark.

18.  His accent is even more Wisconsin in Wisconsin.  I’ve never been prouder to not be from Wisconsin. 

19.  His dad was just basically like, “I don’t want to see you on this show anymore.  Get a real job”.

20.  No one thought you were studying at the library, Nick.  You don’t look like someone who’s ever studied.

21.  Danielle L. is laughing more than he deserves.  New feminist goal: teach men what’s funny by only laughing when they’ve earned it.  It’s going to be a laughless few years, but it will pay off in the end.

22.  Does “trippy” mean absolutely orchestrated by producers?  Yes, Nick running into your ex is “trippy.”

23.  He cannot stop talking about places he’s made out with or fucked girls.  Nick and I would have hated each other in high school, and I still hate him now.  #nostalgia

24.  What does grocery shopping in sweatpants say about a woman?  If it’s positive, I’m a goddam catch made of diamonds. 

25.  Nick’s leather jacket is the most offensive thing I’ve seen this week and I got into a Twitter fight with someone who’s avatar was a picture of Hitler.

26.  To me, Raven and Minka Kelly from “Friday Night Lights” are the same person. 

27.  Literally never heard of Chris Lang.  Is this what getting old feels like?

28.  Farm date in Wisconsin, because the producers used up all their creativity on that “Will Corinne WHAAN get the last rose” nonsense.

29.  A farm chore is a chore you do on a farm, Corinne WHAAN.  I feel like even you should have caught that one.

30.  Is now the time we do our weekly, non-denominational prayer for Raquel?

31.  “I think some of the women are going to have to show him how it’s done.”  Does this farmer think women regularly have to milk our tits?  This is why we need comprehensive sex education in this country.  #whyImarch

32.  Jokes about the bisexual being good at milking tits – groundbreaking ABC.

33.  All these bitches wore white to scoop shit.

34.  Shots every time Corinne WHAAN says “poop.”

35.  Okay ladies, I agree that Corinne WHAAN is a tragic mess, but being able to scoop cow shit has never been a dealbreaker, so let’s cool it.

36.  This restaurant is called The Paine.  Nick is The Paine.  (This is the sort of groundbreaking comedy I’d like to be remembered for.)

37.  What constitutes a serious hand situation, Corinne?

38.  Corinne WHAAN playing with her boobs while saying, “do you call this immature?” is the most I’ve ever liked her.

39.  Her corn metaphor is falling apart.

40.  Vanessa came in with a scrapbook from her students.  She is fucking in-this-shit-to-win-this shit.  Game recognize game, friend.

41.  Is there any evidence that Corinne WHAAN is not a well-disguised Donald Trump?  They have a similar sociopathic disagreement style.

42.  “Michael Jordan took naps.  Abraham Lincoln took naps.”  Honestly, stands to reason.

43.  Is Corinne claiming she almost had to go to the hospital after scooping poop?

44.  What drugs is she on that allows her to sleep through a panic attack?  Can Raquel get me a prescription?

45.  Corinne, tbh I would fight for a pickle as hard as you all are fighting for Nick.

46.  Pause.  I gotta run get a pickle.

47.  Are they allowed to trade the rose out for a less cliché flower?  Like a lily?  Chrysanthemum?  Venus Fly Trap?

48.  I hope one of those soccer balls takes out Nick’s pants area.

49.  So early to meet the parents!  I know it’s fake, but the commitment phobe in me is short of breath.

50.  So I agree that it’s a red flag if a girl is not friends with other girls.  Is it not also a red flag if girls spend all their days talking shit about other girls?

51.  Nick in that deep V.  Bella is too young to see this lasciviousness!!!!!!!

52.  Nick just arabesque-ing past Raven and Bella while they had that conversation needs to be a gif.  How do things become gifs?  Who do I call?  Is Joe Biden in charge of that now?

53.  “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None the Richer is playing.  I know they are trying to emotionally manipulate me, and honestly it’s working, but only because I’m now playing the movie “She’s All That” in my head.

Real time photo of Corinne and Taylor   Source

Real time photo of Corinne and Taylor


54.  Nick is waaaaaaay too interested in the details of Raven’s boyfriend’s infidelity.

55.  Raven beat a man with a stiletto.  Game. Recognize. Game.

56.  Ugh, I like Raven.  Which means she probably deserves better than Nick.

57.  “Raven, will you accept this Poison Hemlock flower?”

58.  Do they have to bring their own evening gowns?  Who owns this many?

59.  They Taylor/Corinne feud has the makings of an LC/Heidi reality show match up.  I half expect Taylor to accuse Corinne of leaking her sex tape with Jason Wahler.

60.  I always rolled my eyes when my mother told me not to say, “like”.  Thanks to Danielle L. I now understand how annoying I must have been as a teenager.

61.  Corinne WHAAN is the “Brad Pitt in Oceans Eleven” of this show.  Just constantly eating.

62.  Taylor is condescending as fuck, but I definitely need her to tell me how to live.  

63.  Corinne just said “I literally can’t even.”  She definitely chants “All Lives Matter” on a regular basis.

64.  Sharky is worth more than outtakes at the end.

65.  “My two biggest fears are Nicholas Cage the actor and aliens.”  Sharky is the hero we need at a time when we need heroes most.