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69 (tee hee) Thoughts I Had While Watching “The Bachelor” for the First Time - Episode Three

69 (tee hee) Thoughts I Had While Watching “The Bachelor” for the First Time - Episode Three

This recap is part of Allison's Bachelor recap series. Check out her recap for Episode 2

Episode three!  I get it now.  I’ve joined in the Bachelor conversation at work.  I understand tweets about Corinne.  I’m part of the zeitgeist.  We’re all annoyed by Nick together.  Let’s do this...

1.      The one girl who’s first language is not English is the only one to pronounce Jade and Tanner’s Wedding as four separate words.

2.      Oooh starting with a rose ceremony.  I imagined it always happened at the end.  Another way this show is a game changer.

3.      I have no idea what Nick is saying.  All I can see is that tie.  I think that’s the pattern my parents had on our couch when I was growing up.

4.      He’s doing an IRL AMA. 

5.      Have these women never dated a man who’s had a one night stand?  Where is this fountain of decent, pure men?  How hard is it to get there in LA traffic?

6.      He has a creepy way of stroking their hands while they talk.  It’s almost as creepy has how only the top half of his hair is curly.

7.      New women appear in every episode.  Literally all the blonde women look the same to me. 


9.       Honestly, don’t care what any of these other women say.  Need to see how this Corinne WHAAN situation plays out.

10.       “What was the whipped cream for?”  Taylor, you have so many degrees.  You know what the whipped cream is for.

11.      I just want to gossip with these women.  Can I just live in the house and talk shit with the women but not date Nick?  I’ll pay.

12.      Judge her if you want, but if you haven’t been drunkenly rejected and then mascara wept to an indistinguishable blonde woman, you did not do college right. 

13.      Corinne WHAAN doesn’t have to do anything you tell her to.  She can nap if she wants to.  And by nap I mean obviously be drunkenly passed out.

14.      I have those sheets.  They’re from Target.  I see you ABC.

15.      I want to make bets about who he’s sending home but honestly, they all look the same. 

16.      SHARKY!!! Literally had no idea her name was Alexis.  It’s pretty.

17.      Bye, indistinguishable blonde women.

18.      How much money does NTCAP Host get to show up, state the obvious, drop off a card and avoid catching predators?  I would do it for less.

19.      It’s not NSync, so who cares?  I will fight until the end of my life to prove that the Backstreet Boys PALE in comparison to NSync.  There is no worldly issue I care about as deeply as this. 

20.      Nick with BSB.  Six mediocre guys who wish they were Justin Timberlake. 

21.      Nick Carter has the worst face ever.

22.      Professional B Ball dancer has this.

23.      This is the only room IN THE WORLD where Nick is the most attractive man.

24.      You guys are wondering what Chris Kirkpatrick is doing right now too, yeah?

25.      Corinne’s bolting!  Corinne’s babbling!  Corinne has an adult nanny.  #neverforget

26.      Unrelated: Once, I saw NSync perform at Soldier Field when I was 13, and Justin Timberlake came down from the sky on a wire.  I think about that three times a week.

27.      Corinne WHAAN said she blacked out while dancing.  But, to be fair, isn’t she always blacked out?

28.      I hate this public slow dance.  Also Nick’s hair.

29.  I don’t think anyone told Corinne WHAAN the premise of the show.  You compete with thirty other women for one man.   

30.  What do you guys think Sharky is doing right now?

31.  I don’t wish tragedy on anyone, but if this is the worst day in Corinne WHAAN’s life, she needs at least a minor catastrophe to happen.

32.  “Make Corinne Great Again”.  Not surprised, just more disappointed than anything.  

33.      Corinne right now. 

34.      Nick just did the classic 2002 move of putting a woman’s arm around his neck to pull her in for a kiss.  Did the Backstreet Boys take them back in time?

35.      Dominique, maybe try Bumble?

36.      Thank God were finally talking about the nanny.  I was starting to think I had dreamed it.

37.      WTF is a lemon salad?

38.      Professional B Ball dancer and I are one.  Thank you for being as mind blown as I was by the whole adult nanny situation.   

39.      Honestly, never been happier now that I know Raquel the Nanny is a real person and not a figment of my imagination.  Corinne’s adult nanny probably needs a vacation.  Can we start a Kickstarter so she can stay at the mansion?

40.      Vanessa looks like a painting of the perfect woman and Nick is basic AF.  This show is a demonstration of how societal standards have created low self worth in accomplished women—Ooo space!

41.      Is this how Buddy Holly died?

42.      People have definitely kissed in space, Nick.  Watch any space movie.

43.      We’re all wondering if her vomit will float.

44.      You would have survived without him, Vanessa.  That PA cleaning up your puke would have been there for you.  


46.      Nick’s only the total package if he was packaged in the back of a Wrigleyville bar from the scraps of drunk Wrigley bros.

47.      Limo for grandfather’s funeral?  Are you a Rockefeller?

48.      Do I have a black heart?  Should I try to be more open to love?

49.      Ew, he’s crying ew!  Jump back up your mother, Nick.

50.      I can almost see me rolling my eyes in the distance in that panoramic view of LA.

51.      If anyone ever brought me to exercise on a date, I would lie down in the middle of the field and finish a pizza in one giant, delicious, folded bite in protest.

52.      None of these tiny boobed bitties understand Astrid’s struggle in that sports bra. 

53.      Honestly, it’s weird that they call Alexis anything other than Sharky.

54.      My vagina closed up at the sight of shirtless Nick.  I’d prefer the Backstreet Boys at this point.

55.      The slow mo though.

56.     Shots every time they cry in a bathroom.

57.      I get that Dominique is upset, but all I can focus on is her bomb nail color.

58.      Of course, Nick wants to lie on a giant picture of himself.  How many notches on the sociopath checklist does he tick?

59.      I can find like ten other guys who would be better for Rachel.  At least two-thirds of these women are too good for Nick.  The other one-third need their own reality shows.

60.      Only on this show can people date 30 women at once, send multiple home mid-date and still be called commendable.  This show is wear trash men come home to roost.

61.      So Rachel is being groomed to be the next Bachelorette, yeah? 

62.  Is he wearing a rope necklace?  He is really following all the rules of How to Dress Like a D-bag wannabe. 

63.      These women throw shade like it’s March.

64.      Corinne WHAAN is asleep again.  To be fair, if I lived in that house, all I would do is drink and sleep.

65.      Big ol’ hickey on Nick’s neck.

66.      Loving the mosaic tile behind them.

67.      “I’m not judging Corinne.  I’m judging your actions.”  Vanessa fucking GETS IT.

68.      “I run a multi-million dollar company”.  Yes Corinne WHAAN, but you also have an adult nanny.

69.      Only time Nick’s been honest is his face while this remaining blonde girl is singing.

Now, I’m going to make like Corinne and sleep.  See you next week!

65 Thoughts I Had While Watching "The Bachelor" for the First Time – Episode 4

65 Thoughts I Had While Watching "The Bachelor" for the First Time – Episode 4

Annie Hall

Annie Hall