65 Thoughts I Had While Watching "The Bachelor" for the First Time - Episode 2

This recap is part of Allison's Bachelor recap series. Check out her recap for Episode 1.

Week Two.  What’s to come? Just kidding.  We all know each episode is more or less the same. 

A couple corrections from last week:  Apparently Jade and Tanner are two different people, not one person called Jayden Tanner.  Seems suspicious to me, but oh well. 

Also, apparently, Not To Catch A Predator Host is some kind of god to Bachelor fans.  So far, he’s not proven to be anything special.  Step it up, Not To Catch A Predator Host.  To Catch A Predator Host catches predators.

Here we go...

1.      Thank God this one’s only an hour.

2.      Ooooh BBQ.  How long until my take out arrives?

3.      Shit – it’s in two parts, and I started at part two.  That means it IS two hours and now I know who gets the solo date.  (Not that I care.  What?  Obviously.)

4.      Corrine Who Has An Adult Nanny is a real world gem.

5.      Why is Sharky dressed like a civilian?

6.      What do I have to do in order to just live in the house?  Do I have to date Nick?  Because he seems a little basic, to be honest.

7.      Group “date” time!  How do they choose which girl drives?

8.      Who is Lacey?  Was she on the first episode?  I’ve never seen this woman before in my life.

9.      He’s making them take wedding photos on the first “date.”  Clingy much?

10.  You don’t even know him, Lacey.  How do you know you want to be his wife?

11.  Shotgun bride?  This is offensive on so many levels, and not just because he’s doing this to Sharky, my queen.

12.  Corrine Who Has An Adult Nanny with the poop jokes!

13.  The most offensive thing I’ve seen yet is Nick’s silver suit jacket.

14.  I don’t think I’ve ever been less attracted to anyone than I am to Nick.

15.  Sharky is miming giving birth while perpetuating southern stereotypes.  YOU’RE TOO GOOD FOR THIS!

16.  Love the bridesmaid kissing him.

17.  Love how angry the other women are that the bridesmaid kissed him.

18.  Doula, when did you meet him and where?  You haven’t said it enough.

19.  Honestly, it still sounds like Jayden Tanner.  There is no Jade or Tanner.

20.  Often over the past few months I’ve wondered how Trump got elected.  Thank you, Corrine Who Has An Adult Nanny.  I get it now.

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21.  Corrine describing herself as brave for taking her swim top off is the epitome of this show.  In her mind she is a firefighter, or a soldier, or Sharky.

22.  Ladies, Corrine Who Has An Adult Nanny’s sexuality is maybe the ninth craziest thing about her.  I mean, she has an adult nanny.  The slut shaming is unnecessary.

23.  Is Corrine Who Has An Adult Nanny contractually obligated to be drunk the whole time?

24.  Am I going to write about anyone other than Corrine Who Has An Adult Nanny or Sharky?

25.  It took me longer to admit I love my cat than it’s taking these women to admit they love Nick.

26.  Shots every time one of them asks to steal him.

27.  Say “we met 9 months ago at Jayden Tanner’s wedding” one more time, Doula.

28.  Doula’s forced smile when Danielle got the solo date is me at all times.

29.  Taylor, the smarty who has more degrees by 23 then I’ll ever have, is wayyyy too good for him.

30.  The dramatic music during the Corrine Who Has An Adult Nanny/Taylor stealing Nick debacle is odds on favorite for Best Score this Oscar Season.

31.  If I actually did shots every time anyone asked to steal him, I’d be dead now.

32.  This show is why people think women hate each other.

33.  I guess, if we’re being fair, I hate like half these women.

34.  Corrine Who Has An Adult Nanny deserves her own reality show.  Her nanny should really be a part of it.

35.  Corrine Who Has An Adult Nanny just sitting on the couch telling the other women how awkward it’s going to get, makes this show watchable.

36.  Corrine Who Has An Adult Nanny is so happy and so so drunk. 

37.  “Dad would be proud”.  She makes sense to me now.

38.  I hope these women all become friends, ditch Nick, find their best selves and start a band.

39.  Except you, Corrine Who Has An Adult Nanny.  You never change.

40.  Solo date time.

41.  Where did Midwest girls get a reputation for being down to earth?  Anyone will tell you I’m straight up bananas.

42.  Doula, you had one hook up with him.  Not a passionate summer romance followed by ten years of unanswered love letters.

43.  I don’t understand a mind that doesn’t immediately try to forget any and all drunk hookups. 

44.  I do love shocking secrets.

45.  Whoa!!!! Dark, Danielle.

46.  I like her.  If I thought Nick deserved her, I’d want her to win.

47.  Although her voice always sounds like she’s talking shit about a dead guy at his funeral.

48.  Bahahaha, a ferris wheel.  I don’t have a joke, they just make me laugh.

49.  LA secret: Any date who takes you to Hollywood during the day, will kill you.

50.  If your date has a scar indicating a healed over cartilage piercing, he may be the worst.

51.  That ring is crazy ugly though, right?

52.  Aw, this means the slap they advertised is fake.  Everything is fake.

53.  I miss Sharky.

54.  Love that the dental hygienist is bringing flossing into this.

55.  Doula brought a notebook to “break up with him”.  I’ve had less intense feelings for people I’ve been in actual relationships with. 

56.  I’m so uncomfortable.

57.  Nick is so uncomfortable. 

58.  Yes, a bisexual!  I hope she finds love with one of the women.  I genuinely want Nick to end up alone.

59.  And we’re back on Doula. 

60.  Nick’s all like, “I don’t want them to think I’m keeping secrets from them, but also I’m not telling them anything.”

61.  Say “Jayden Tanner” one more time...

62.  Christen is low-key passive aggressive, and I respect that.

63.  Cold, Nick!  Sending Doula home!  Does this mean I can stop pretending to care about who Jayden Tanner is/are?

64.  Thus ends the most unnecessary wedding hook up drama ever.

65.  Sharky is celebrating her boob's one year boob-birthday.  We don’t deserve you, Sharky.