How to Survive the Friendzone
You’ve been chatting this girl up for a couple weeks. You took her out for burgers, walked her home from the bars, asked her how her day at work was even though you didn’t really care, and now you’re ready. Tonight is the night. You’re finally alone and you lean in for a kiss but–
DUN DUN DUN
She reveals that she doesn’t think of you that way.
What? You? Not that way? But you’re a nice guy with a penis! What have you done to deserve this?! How is this girl not throbbing with desire for your slam sausage?
Never fear, friend. I can get you through this.
1) DON’T PANIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“OMG AM I UGLY? DO I SMELL LIKE BEEF? IS MY BUTT TOO FLAT? IS IT NOT FLAT ENOUGH? I KNEW I SHOULDN’T HAVE WORN OLD SPICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Calm down! It’s easy to get worked up in emergency situations like this. Take a deep breath and think about your safe place. I suggest imagining yourself nuzzled between the breasts of a pregnant super model or buried in a pile of nachos. Breast nachos.
2) Check your dick!
You’ve just been through some serious trauma, so you’d better make sure your penis is doing okay. Sometimes, in cases of extreme friend-zoning, a man’s genitals can become so despairing that the whole shebang actually falls off and burrows itself into a sacred place in the earth to mourn. It can only be brought back by chanting 8 hot girls’ phone numbers to the tune of a Motley Crue song followed by the ceremonial burning of a push-up bra, size 34 DD.
3) Ask again!
Maybe she made a mistake. Maybe she was on her period or had touched a baby in the past 24 hours and wasn’t thinking clearly. Who can blame a woman for making a poor decision in a thick, debilitating hormone fog? Try these lines to change her mind:
“Hey sweets, I don’t think you had your head screwed on straight the other night. How ’bout a little round of tongue karate to remind you what we were discussing?”
“I know I’m hot, you know I’m hot. Let’s not fight our feelings for me anymore.”
“My door’s always open. And by door I mean my fly. My pants are a house and my penis lives there.”
4) Keep yourself in check
Okay, so, she for sure doesn’t want to have sex with you. But it’s inevitable that she’ll show up at the bars you frequent to flaunt her existence and throw you into a fit of desire. But showing interest in her is an obvious sign a weakness, so how do you keep cool?
I suggest thinking about something horrible. I mean, when I’m trying to keep my wild attraction for an A+ penis-haver a secret, I usually calm my loins by thinking about earwigs.
5) Talk about your conquests
The next step is to make her jealous. Talk about all the women you’ve sexed recently as loud as you can in her presence. Of course, to really cash in on the opportunity, you might need to embellish on your experiences. Use these rules:
If you’ve slept with 10 or more women in the past year, multiply that number by 2.
If you’ve slept with 5 or more women in the past year, multiply that number by 3 and add your age.
If you’ve slept with less than 5 women in the past year, instead use the number of times you jacked off in the past week and add 8.
If you’ve slept with 1 or fewer women in the past year, say you stopped counting after you had to be hospitalized for a nut rupture from too much rigorous vagina humping.
6) Start hitting on her friends!
If a girl doesn’t want to sleep with you, the most logical and productive thing to do is to move on to her friends. Chances are, they’ll admire you for your perseverance. Women are usually impressed by a man with that level of horniness. It’s like a preview of how long you’ll last in bed!!! For a really long time!!!!! Hours!!!!!!!!!!
Once they see how many women you can talk up in a single night, all they’ll be thinking about is getting to know your penis. With their mouths (pssssstttt I’m talking about blowjobs, people! Lots of ’em!).
7) Watch ’em roll in
Have you ever heard the saying “When it rains, it pours”? The same can be said about women. After a dry spell, usually brought on by lots of unjustified friend-zoning, a rainstorm is bound to roll in. Before you know it, vaginas will be pounding down on your windshield and filling your gutters. You’ll have to install a rain barrel to catch all the pussy falling from the sky. And then use it to water your garden. Snap Dragons luh the pussy.
And yeah, the Old Spice was a bad idea.